Posting from an alt account but trying to keep it vague.
I (mid-20s F) started seeing a guy (mid-20s M) about a month ago, and we recently had our fourth date. I was a little hesitant at first due to a difference in religious beliefs, but we have the same core values so I thought I’d at least test the waters. So far we’ve gotten along pretty well.
On our most recent date, we kissed, and it was my first kiss. My date asked me beforehand if he could kiss me, and I found it sweet he asked and told him yes. I was expecting a peck or a short kiss, but it ended up being a makeout session. My heart was racing and I got butterflies, but after maybe 10-15 seconds I just wanted it to be over. We ended up kissing again later and he kept trying to add tongue, but I thought it was kind of gross and let him do it a little bit but not all the way. I felt kind of jittery the rest of the night, and when I got home I immediately started googling things like “I hate kissing” “kissing is gross” etc.
Is feeling this way normal????? I’ve known pretty much my whole life that first anythings are usually really awkward, but not like “I want this to stop” awkward. I asked my brother (he has a lot more romantic experience than I do) and he told me he felt that kissing was gross in high school, but now that he’s older he doesn’t.
I’ve only been in one “serious” relationship, and we never kissed or had sex, and it kind of felt more like a friendship where he brought me gifts and paid for my meals sometimes. This whole thing is making me wonder if I’m somewhere on the asexual-aromantic spectrum—I definitely have a sex drive, but I’ve always been content just taking care of it on my own; I enjoy fantasizing about being in a romantic relationship, but I’ve always frozen up and gotten extremely anxious when it comes to actually doing anything.
This might be above Reddit’s pay grade, but am I on the ace spectrum? Am I just not as attracted as I thought I was to this guy? Is he just a bad kisser???
I’ve been on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about this.