I (F 28) am feeling completely unnerved right now. The short story is I went through my fiancée’s (M 28) phone and found some devastating text messages. For context, we have been together for about 10 years, and we are planning on getting married next year. For those who may ask why this has been such a long relationship, we have both been pursuing post-graduate degrees and wanted to have stable incomes before starting a legal life together.
Recently, I noticed my fiancé has been a lot shorter and quite distant with me. I chalked it up to our hectic work schedules. However, he made a comment that didn’t sit right with me. He said something about playing tennis, which we usually do together. But we hadn’t been yet this spring. So I asked him when he went. He said he went one random morning by himself to practice his serves. That also seemed off to me because his racquet needed to be restrung. I just said okay, but I couldn’t let it go. So I went through his phone. I recognize it’s a terrible thing to do and a violation of privacy.
However, in doing so, I found only one thing of note: a string of texts to someone named “Shawn.” In reading these texts, Shawn often tells my partner she misses him, and asks him to hang out. Her messages are accompanied by heart faces and kissing emojis. My partner was flirty back, but he declined every attempt to hang out. What got me was the text about where he was one weekend in January. The one where he said he went to “visit some friends in Michigan.” You know? The trip where we celebrated our engagement ALONE. It became clear to me that he was keeping our relationship a secret from “Shawn.” In looking up “Shawn’s” phone number, I can see that this person has a very different, much more feminine name. So I suppose the name change was so I didn’t ask questions when her texts popped up.
I have so many questions to ask him, and I want to confront him. I guess I’m posting here to ask if there is any advice on how to go about this without it getting nasty? Or without him knowing I went through the phone to begin with.
Additional info: we just signed a lease together for a new place.