So this happened actually a few years ago but its been on my mind constantly, I can’t make sense out of it and thought maybe let’s ask strangers online, bc why not, right?
Husband (35M) and I (33F) have been married for 12 years. Everything was fine UNTIL my hubs got a new job when he was around 25-26ish years old. This new job was exciting, a start-up environment with lots of young thriven people and mostly single. Our relationship suffered because of this. He started to work LONG HOURS (left home at 8am and came home at 8pm), lots of work parties (I was invited to some – sometimes but most of the time the office parties were just for employees), lots of traveling for him (he was in sales). The job was also super stressful, so he was bringing home all that stress and being snappy and moody. He would go from being nice to me, to being distance and annoyed. It was a roller coaster. This lasted around 5 years. I can say those were the hardest 5 years of my life. Important to notice we had 1 child (toddler during that time). I was working as well when I was not on maternity leave. (In EU its around 1 year to 3 years maternity leave).
Anyways to the puzzle pieces part. During that time he grew a lot in the company and became a manager. Since things were kinda weird between us, I was very insecure. I admit that I checked his work messages sometimes (not good, I know… but things were rough). There I found some borderline flirty messages with some co workers, but two cases were the most strange. (we both have access to each others laptops and phones)
Case #1:
In his team there was a working student (23F). She is pretty, I saw her once or twice at the office events, but never talked to her. Let’s call her Annie. Well Annie and hubby had kinda weird-ish messages, lots of GIFs, lots of emojis (hubby isnt an emoji person), and just comments like “I left a drink at your desk”, “pay attention to the meeting, what are u looking at? ;)”. Not 100% cheating messages or totally flirty but messages you wouldnt normally have with co-workers. However, the story I got home was : “he doesnt like her at all”, “she flirts with everyone, thats annoying, no one likes her” (but apparently not with him), she is annoying.
One day he came home telling me that Annie called him to the rooftop to talk to him and that it was about her “fiance” and that they broke up and she was sad and crying. And he she needed some comforting. And they talked for a while about it, etc.
I found this SO WEIRD. Why would she – a working student – call her BOSS/MANAGER that are not even friends with supposedly to cry about her broken engagement?
DOES MAKE SENSE, does it?
My husband says: obviously he isn’t cheating bc why would he tell me this? he didnt need to tell me and could just keep it a secret. He also found it strange he said.
Case#2 (the most important)
A few months, maybe a year after the Annie incident, there was another co-worker on his same level (26-27F). Lets call her Katie. I got a red flag about her because my husband started one day telling me about this new co-worker and how much he HATED HER (his words). She was annoying, and dressed bad, and smelled bad like sweat, and looked ugly, and her voice was annoying, her name was stupid, she was stupid, her opinions were dumb, etc.
He usually doesn’t complain about co-workers and if any its a one or two time thing ever. However, this was constant, almost everyday. This raised an alert in my brain. Why does he care so much and all this hate?
Then I decided to check their work messages and I found AGAIN flirty messages but this were more flirty than ever. I cant remember exactly, but I took some photos with my phone and when I showed my friends they all agreed it was not a normal co-worker conversations. Lots of heart emojis, lots of “Lets meet up for a beer (during working hrs)”, “what are u doing, u arent at ur desk?”, “coming to the office today?”, ” you look good with that serious face”, etc.
I was very shocked, and just confused.
I confronted him and the conversation went something like this:
Him: Nah, those were just nice – not flirty messages
Me: So it would be okay for me to text male co-workers like that or other guys?
Him: No no!! but thats different.
Me: then? admit those are flirty!
Him: Okay yes, but it’s not what you think. I dont like her, I hate her… but I needed to be nice and charm her to she would approve some projects im working on and get a promotion.
Me: She doesn’t even work in your project
Him: No but she needs to help with some documents
Him: I’ms sorry, it will never happen again, etc.
Honestly after that I decided to never check his messages again. She left the company a few months later and that was the end of it. (I was overwhelmed with the birth of our second child 5 months previously and just kinda “out of mind” situation)
Lots of things happened in between. He did a 180 in his attitude, he is now less stressed, not snappy, not moody, etc. So u can tell things improved and now everything is okay for the last 3 years. Not anymore weird messages, or anything I can call out.
BUT, I keep this on my mind constantly. He keeps telling me nothing ever happened with anyone and that Im seeing things. BUT, for me IF THE PIECES IN THE PUZZLE don’t match up… there is something there that wasn’t revelled.
What do you think?