My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been together for 12 years. I don’t know how to describe it other than calling it the perfect relationship. I think in 12 years we’ve only ever gotten to the point of really raising our voices at one another maybe 2 or 3 times? We do everything together but always have never had issues allowing each other to lead our own lives and follow our own interests. We bought a house where we wanted…. we both have good high paying jobs that have great work life balance. Basically it’s been everything short of perfect.
We’ve been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and it hadn’t been happening. We were just about to start the fertility stuff when I came home from a work trip, and guess what she’s pregnant. I had this weird instant thought of…. Wait I thought we didn’t try during the week last month because of the fertility testing… But I couldn’t remember exactly because to be honest… We were busy at it. So I just assumed I miss remembered.
Now, I travel around the country pretty regularly for work. Other than COVID, I’ve been on the road as much as 40 weeks a year sometimes. Since COVID its been less but still more than a week a month.
Over the last 4-5 years my wife has gotten very friendly with a guy she works with, let’s call him Matt. Matt is slightly younger, I think 34M or so. I know him, he’s married, I know his wife. They’ve worked together for I think 7 years or so. He’s always been around, him and I have been friendly. Have I ever thought something was happening? No, but I’ve always thought…. You’d be a fool to not think there’s even a 1% chance your spouse would go outside the relationship. Maybe I’m naive, but I’ve always seen it as a safeguard to not take my wife or any other partner in the past for granted. She’s never given me a reason to think she’d do that. But anything is possible.
So about a month ago I’m out of state for work and she’s at home. I ask her what she’s doing earlier in the day and she says Matt is coming by for dinner. Not out of the ordinary, Matt comes by from time to time. Sometimes with his wife, sometimes without, sometimes when I’m not there. I don’t think much of it.
We have a security system which includes cameras both inside and outside of the house which we installed after an unrelated incident a few years ago. They record and are live accessable by both her and I. I often use those cameras to check on the dog when I or both of us are away, as the rest of the system is monitored by a company Incase of an alarm going off.
She knows I check those cameras, there’s a system installed where I can talk through them. I’ll mess with my wife and she will with me on them if either of us are out of town (she travels for work as well, but far less than I do). Point is, it’s known that I check them often when I’m not at home.
So I turn on the camera and I see my 4 months pregnant wife, lying on the floor, on her side with Matt sitting, straddling her legs and using a foam roller to message her hips. So I’m like…. Ok… What the fuck is this. I start rewinding through the footage and they are eating and talking normally, but then they get on the couch and get under the same blanket. Now…… They are feet to feet, but that couch isn’t that big. Then they move to the floor and that’s when I logged in.
Anyway I text her, I’m still watching the cameras they both look like deer in headlights and he very quickly leaves. We get into an argument she isn’t mad at me accusing her but she’s adamant that nothing has or ever would happen, and that what I saw was innocent and she was complaining about being in pain from the pregnancy…. Which I know is true shes already having some issues with back pain etc.. The biggest point of that discussion was I asked “If I were there would you two have been comfortable doing any of that Infront of me” and she reluctantly admitted… No probably not. I told her I didn’t want to talk after that and we’d talk when I got home 3 days later.
That’s when It hit me….. What if my weird gut moment feeling about her telling me she was finally pregnant, was… This. What if my 1% happened and this is not my child we are having?
Now, it eats away at my while I’m at a hotel alone a thousand miles away for 3 days. I reconcile with myself that… I think it’s less likely than more likely that something between them has happened. But Basically my 1% just jumped to…. 10% 20% maybe?
I get home and she’s on eggshells and doesn’t mention it. I kinda wait to see what she’s going to do. 2 days later she finally brings it up and breaks down. Swears nothing has happened she would never. Doesn’t do anything over the top to try and prove anything… Which I took as a good sign. But anyway we talk out the issue and everything to a point of at least moving forward for now. I’m still coping and dealing with it figuring out how to re trust after all this time.
I’m getting more and more understanding of the fact that they are friends they’ve been friends for so long, maybe he has intentions…. But I don’t see her having any and I’ve never really picked up on it and I’ve spent time around both of them together many many times, and never caught anything.
So the thing that is destroying me right now is…. If I’m wrong and something did happen… While I can figure out how to deal with that… What if that child isn’t mine. In the argument and few long conversations we’ve had about the situation since I’ve never brought that up, and she’s not mentioned it. Mostly because I don’t want to make the situation worse and crush her if infact she’s telling the truth, which I mostly Believe.
The only thing I can think to do at this point is to wait until the baby is born and immediately order a paternity test in secret. Should I do that? Should I tell her and have it dealt with now? If you’re a woman in her shoes and you’re telling the truth, would that destroy you, or your view of me? If you’re lying what would you do if I asked? I don’t want to ask a super vague question but….. What do I do?!
TLDR: very small chance my wife of 12yrs had an affair and she’s 4 months pregnant and I can’t bring myself to ask for a paternity test for fear of crushing her if nothing actually happened. But I am planning on doing it in secret when the baby comes. What do I do?