Well, as I explained in the title, I’m (F25) having this issue with my boyfriend (M30), whom I’ve been dating for a year. Overall, we’ve had a pretty good relationship and I’m happy.
When we started dating, I discovered he was very frugal, which was great because so am I! However, as the year has gone by I’ve started noticing that his concept of frugal is very different to mine, and it’s reached a point where it’s putting a strain on my finances since I’m kind of ‘supporting’ both of us. Here are a few examples:
>- Unless I suggest otherwise and plan dates, we never go out. If we do go out, he’ll only go if I pay for whatever activity I’ve planned. He’s good with not going out on dates and just staying home, which I like but it gets boring after a while
>- He doesn’t do grocery shopping and doesn’t like cooking, he only gets take out or once in a while he gets a meal delivery service. A lot of times, when I go over to his place and I get hungry I’m either stuck eating junk food snacks (I prefer to starve than eating processed trash) or I have to go grocery shopping and pay it out of my own pocket, and then cook for both of us
>- He eats a lot, and whenever he comes to my place he likes me to cook extra so he can have leftovers to take home. I’m okay with this, however, my grocery bill is going up and I’m having to cut corners in other areas of my life, for example, I’ve stopped driving to work and now I walk 1hr both ways to save on gas to offset the extra grocery costs.
>- I’m going on a trip next week, I asked him if he’d like to come too and he agreed after I sent him a spreadsheet with all the costs (flight, expenses, etc.) and he agreed to it. I bought the plane tickets and booked the hotel a few weeks ago and he doesn’t seem to have any intention to pay his share of the expenses. Like, it’s okay – It’s taking a dent on my savings but I can afford this without going into debt – I’d just appreciate a lot if he’d told me **beforehand** he was up for going to the trip only if I paid for it?
For reference, it’s not like my boyfriend is a broke student or trying to save money because of debt, he makes more than twice as much money as I make, has no debt, no weird addictions and his net worth is well over a million*. I have no interest in him paying for things or treating me like a sugar baby,* I’d just like him to pay his share of joint expenses and dates but I don’t want to start this conversation and have him believe I’m just with him for his money.
He’s brought up his concerns about money, and how he never discloses how much he makes, etc. because he doesn’t want women to be after his money, and he doesn’t like to spend it because he has a weird OCD about seeing his bank account go up and only up, but this is coming at the expense of mine going down so…Yeah.
I don’t know what to do.
**TL;DR:** My(F25) boyfriend (M30) never pays for *anything* – despite having plenty of money – so I have to which is starting to take a toll on my finances. I’m no longer sure if I can afford to have a boyfriend.
28 comments
Your boyfriend doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.
If that is what you’re looking for in a partner, keep seeing him.
You are a literal meal ticket to him. It sounds like he doesn’t care about you at all & is only with you for financial gain.
First of all have a conversation with him. If he’s not willing to pay his way, cancel the trip. Stop making extras for him to take home- the free meal he is getting is enough. And going forward when you plan outings be explicit in getting agreement about who is paying for what.
At this point he is not dodging gold diggers, he is just being cheap. Can you see yourself living like this long term?
He’s using you. I wouldn’t put up with that in principle, Okay it’s maybe small scale stuff but if I was aware I was earning twice as much as you I would be very careful how I proceeded. It doesn’t mean I would spoil you like a sugar daddy but I would be more sensitive to your situation and act accordingly.
I mean, your relationship sounds like you are the mum of a shut-in teenager.
He comes round to eat the food and take some home, he won’t learn to cook or eat healthy on his own, he doesn’t spend his own money at all, he doesn’t want to go out unless mummy pays for his play-time, he doesn’t pay for holidays. That is not a partnership, that is a child with some extra intimacy.
For how to bring it up, I would recommend being honest with him, reminding him about the holiday and that you can’t afford his share and asking when he would be able to pay you back for his flights.
On the cooking etc, I am of two minds. You can eat before you go to his place and leave him to sort his own food when he comes to yours like eat beforehand or just have enough for yourself or not have groceries so if he would like you to cook him something he can pick some stuff up on his way etc. This is the passive aggressive method which in theory should make him realise that it isn’t pleasant and to start thinking about it himself but in reality it has been a year so I kinda doubt that it would work due to the immature qualities I am noticing he has. It might help facilitate a conversation and bring his attention to it potentially.
Second a direct approach. Hey, we have been together for a year and I am actually finding it financially straining to buy as much groceries (don’t say “all” it won’t be received well and might result in a backfire). I need some help with you picking things up when you come over. Happy for us to both do the shopping but I am struggling to cover the cost on my own.
Also, I know you don’t usually initiate dates outside much but those are important to me and I think we both enjoy them when I plan them. At the moment it is not sustainable for me to bear all the cost and going forward I would like to split the cost.
You can also approach it in a much more direct perspective and set a standard of what you expect. “If this relationship is to continue we need to start thinking about our finances more seriously, I can suggest we both contribute to a shared pot for dates and food etc. if we want to move past the dating stage we would both need to carry our weight and I don’t like that I am paying for most of our joint activities and will not / don’t want to continue this one-sided arrangement.”
At the end of the day, I can’t imagine a person who doesn’t want to spend ANY money on their significant other. “He is ocd and doesn’t like to see his money go down” is not someone I can see being a quality person to live with since he appears quite selfish and what if he has to ever compromise on his own comfort for you, ever? Would he do that? Would he care for you in any way? He can’t even buy you a meal, let alone cook you one. What if you are sick?
Use your own judgement but this man sounds like a child, not a partner.
This guy sucks. He’s not frugal. He’s an inconsiderate asshole.
You need to be extremely direct with him and tell him what you need in this relationship. Explain to him that you appreciate his frugality and understand that saving money is important but that he’s going overboard and it’s taking a toll on you and the relationship. Tell him that you don’t want to eat junk/takeout all the time and expect him to contribute to grocery shopping at both of your homes, that you want to do fun things and go on dates and that he should be contributing to this, and that you want to take reasonable vacations sometimes and that he needs to pay for his half.
If he is resistant to this and doesn’t understand why this is bothering you then you need to really ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where you never travel, don’t go on dates, and eat garbage unless you’re willing to pay for absolutely everything. Hopefully he is just extremely oblivious and doesn’t realize how selfish he’s been acting and is open to changing these behaviors.
He’s using you and that’s why he has so much money in savings. His behavior regarding money will never change. If you marry or have children you will be the one footing the bill for everything. It’s ok to spend your money wisely but it’s not ok to take advantage of others. Time to rethink this relationship.
You’re basically financing him. He’s cheap and apparently incapable of fending for himself.
Why are you putting up with this? Walking to work so you can feed him? Smh
I’m sorry to say that a man like this will never change. I dated someone like this before. It got so bad I couldn’t pay my bills. I had to dump him.
I don’t see the upside here for you but there are lots of upsides for him. It’s not an equal relationship.
Why are worried about seeming greedy to a hobosexual? Dude literally makes extra food at your place to take home. He’s not frugal; he’s a leech.
“Hey, I am starting to resent always being stuck with the bill anytime we do anything. I sent you the spreadsheet for costs for the upcoming trip, I fronted the costs, and I haven’t seen a dime. Yiu like when I cook for you and you even take leftovers, and you never offer any to pick up groceries. If I want to leave the house and go on a date, I always am stuck paying. I enjoy your company, but you are the cheapest guy I know, and don’t give me some bullshit about women wanting you for your money, bc I am certain that has never been an issue for you. If you cannot at least share in the costs of us doing things, and you just expect me to pay for everything all the time, that’s a one-sided relationship I don’t want to be in.”
He’s using you. He’s not a sweet guy. Stop financing him. Ask for grocery money if he wants you to cook for him. Tell him to go halves on trips and dates. I don’t see him sticking around. I honestly think he sees you as a cash cow.
Open your mouth and ask him to pay his share. Asking for someone to contribute fairly is not greedy. If he acts like you’re asking for something out of pocket, you’ll know he’s deliberately taking advantage. I am already certain of this, but I’m sure you would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ask him for his share. Stop catering to him. You did not birth him, stop feeding and housing him.
Girl run not walk run it only get worse
Your boyfriend isn’t frugal, he is a leech.
prostitutes get paid to fuck. you get fucked and actually lose money lol
Rofl your bf is a mooch and using you to pay for everything. HES USING YOU!!!!
Say hey I need your half of the trip and it’s X amount. Eat before you go over your bf house and sit him down and talk about how you feel and at the minimum you would like to feel like a gf and not an atm.
This is literally so sad and obvious to everyone but you.
He may be sweet and caring, it is all the minimum upkeep he has to do for:
Free Sex
Free Food
Free Trip
Sadly I suspect your version of sweet and caring is he literally isn’t an asshole while he is pursuing all the free stuff you give him. Even if he is the most listening, attentive partner apart from money, it seems an easy ruse to maintain his access to all of the above.
He is absolutely taking advantage of you. The only other explanation is some sort of compulsive behaviour about money. I would argue neither are fixable short term and one MAY be fixable long term.
Given he spends alot on takeout, when it suits him, I think it’s also hard to argue there is a money compulsion there. It’s just a lazy asshole compulsion.
Stop being a doormat. He has uno reversed you into some sort of 50s housewife scenario without the associated perks.
Sounds like you know this isn’t working, but want to stay in denial, judging by your responses to people all telling you this.
This can’t be real.
what one redeeming feature does he have? Magic dick? Because other than overall happy, you haven’t said one nice or decent thing about this relationship.
You have been together a year, was it the “millionaire” that attracted you, because most women wouldn’t have given a dude like this a month, let alone a year.
It’s not even sunk cost because its only a year.
This whole post is money, money, money.
You know you can break up with people if the relationship isn’t what you expected.
So why are you sticking around
Have a conversation stating everything you stated here, or
When you buy groceries ask, “do you want to pay half or am I only cooking for me?”
When you want to go out find a friend to go with. If he asks tell him they pay their own way and you cannot afford to pay for two.
Be extra blunt about activities/trips. Will you pay your own way?
Personally if he’s willing to pay for takeout but not help with anything, he’s not frugal, he’s a mooch.
You are walking to work because you are spending your money on a millionaire?! Girl…
_for example, I’ve stopped driving to work and now I walk 1hr both ways to save on gas_
Okay, I stopped reading. What the hell? This man isn’t frugal, he’s a leech. He doesn’t have any interest in paying his way or treating you occasionally as a romantic partner should do. Please leave.
So.. cook a meal before you go and take it in a container. Just for you. When he comes, let him know that he will need to pay for and bring groceries if he wants you to cook. If he wants to join a trip, you make it crystal clear that he will need to pay his own way and front the money. If he doesn’t, then no.
Tell him that you want him to plan some dates and start paying, since you’ve paid the others. If he says no, maybe consider ending the relationship. Because he’s taking advantage of you.
Some quick definitions:
Frugal: purchasing the thing that has the best value, and/or not buying excessively.
Not frugal: buying takeout every night. (See also: your boyfriend).
Asshole: a person who uses words like frugal wrong with the intent to manipulate their partner into being their meal ticket (see also: your boyfriend).
Boy needs to step up and be a good partner, or you need to step out of this relationship.