Ok…so this is super specific, but I’m just curious. I am just getting out of a long term relationship in which I never felt safe to tell my partner about this fetish of mine. I’ll clarify, I’m not dependent on it, and it actually isn’t reflective of my dominant/submissive preferences. I can be a total dom, and I can get quite into subbing as well. I’m also not at all into guys (though if a lady wanted to explore pegging I wouldn’t deny that lol). Additionally, it’s actually very narrow in category. It’s not full women’s clothing, it’s not make up or anything, it’s literally just heels. I have a few pairs of high heel boots that turn me on to wear. That’s pretty much it.
But it’s a fetish that I have only explored on my own, and I feel like it would be amazing if I had a partner that was supportive (or maybe even into it? That seems like asking a lot lol) but I’m just so hesitant. I don’t really intend to pursue “flings” necessarily moving forward in life, I want to look for a long term partner. But I feel like this fetish is one that may fall into a category of a turnoff. Or something that could make you see your partner a little different if you only learned it after a while of being together. I wouldn’t blame a girl for being turned off by seeing her man in stiletto boots haha.
But I also know I may be letting my prudish upbringing affect the way I’m assuming others would react. Also I know that girls often perceive sex/fetishes/turn-ons differently than guys often would. So I’m curious, am I right to be hesitant on this front? Or should I be more forward about this with the next love interest? (Also, I’m not assuming all women think or act the same way, so I know one person can only speak for themselves. I’m only asking this because I feel like maybe I’m over-thinking this?). I’m also curious about timing… like would you assume most girls would want me to be more forward about that from the jump? Or is that something I should ease into?
And I will also mention, I’m not really opposed to never telling anyone haha. Again I don’t depend on it, it just seems like something that would be fun/hot to share with my next partner if she’d receive it well.
Thoughts?
26 comments
I feel like this is one of those things that you shouldn’t necessarily bring up on the first date, but also not something to keep hidden forever. It’s important to communicate your desires and boundaries with your partner, and if this is something that is important to you, then it’s important to share it with them. And who knows, they may even be into it too! But don’t feel pressured to rush into it, take your time and find the right moment to bring it up. Communication is key in any relationship.
I think it’s great that you’re considering being open about your fetish with your next partner. It’s understandable to be hesitant, especially given your upbringing, but it’s also important to remember that people are diverse and may have different reactions. If you do decide to share this with your partner, it might be helpful to ease into it rather than revealing it all at once. This could help your partner adjust to the new information and potentially even find it exciting.
Bring it up on the first date. Personally I would want to know that so there wouldn’t be a second date ! Some of us will find it a Hugh turnoff !
I would be pretty thrilled honestly. For context I’m 21F (not sure if this is a generational thing?) and I love seeing guys in women’s clothing. I would be secretly hoping you’re open to trying other stuff (skirts… oh my gosh men in skirts…) but happy you trusted me with that information either way.
I’m not just saying this btw… my current bf is interested in cross-dressing, pegging, and being submissive. I think he’s super sexy and adorable. There are definitely some of us out there who are into it.
Dude go and see a dominatrix and live some of those fantasies out.
Edit: downvoter, why is this a bad option?
I did NOT react well when my husband told me…. mind you, we’ve been together almost 20 years, and I was told last fall. We went from me being told, to me ‘engaging’ (uncomfortably) to me telling him to find someone to do it with, to him finding someone, to us almost getting divorced twice, to him not even looking at his things for months now, and its still in the back of my mind but he swears he doesn’t miss it, ect. I dont know. It’s a giant elephant in the room that we are both too scared to acknowledge.
I can tell you this- don’t hide it for almost 20 years. Because I am left reeling and wondering what else, and he has literally told me til he was blue in the face that there is nothing else, but I cant quite believe there isnt.
Also, don’t spring it on your partner, and expect them to be on board from the get go, and not just with the things he’s hidden for years, but the advanced things he wanted- hair extensions, nails, (fake, i think)breasts, and naired his entire body.
As a human: yes, do all the things that make you feel fantastic. As a wife, it was shocking and traumatic and felt like I was caught in a tornado that would never end.
Do some research on how to tell your partner. Maybe, ease them into it. And don’t drop a huge bomb when they are in the middle of their own mental health spiral, because that just compounded everything. I wish he had waited until I was in a more stable place to handle his news. (I had just confronted my parents about my childhood abuse and trauma and cptsd, as well as acknowledging my bisexuality for the first time, all in the span of about a month, still processing those things and find out my husband not only likes to wear women’s clothes, he has an entire wardrobe that a friend bought for him). It feels like he saw me breaking down some of my walls, and it made him feel safe enough to break down some of his own, which actually makes me feel…. good. But the timing…. I could have handled it so much better.
To be fair, so could he. My advice is, if this is important to you, don’t hide it from a potential partner. You both deserve to live your authentic lives, and I feel like my husband isn’t, but he won’t even open the door to discuss it with me because I handled it so poorly. If you are entering a relationship with someone, you both deserve to know where the other stands on something like this, because it can go bad, very easily.
Yes, we are still together. Yes, I am in therapy (he refuses to go) and am working on things. Yes, I support him cross dressing. No, I dont want to be involved or see it. Yes, I would (and have) buy him things to wear. No, I font think things are fine. Yes, I do think this is going to come up again. I only hope I handle it better the next time, if he feels like he can ever trust me with it again.
I’m not young (49F), but my partner (39M) is an occasional crossdresser. We talked about kink and sex stuff (among other things) before we became a couple, before we started dating, to find out if we were compatible. I love to see him in women’s clothing and I help him buy the right sizes and fits for his body. I’ve bought breast prosthetics, wigs and makeup for him, and found some great makeup tutorials on Youtube for him as well. But the main thing here is that he told me about it before we started dating and it was something I was open to. I personally wouldn’t start dating someone without knowing if we’re compatible in all areas that are important to us both.
I think you’re right to be a little hesitant – I personally wouldn’t have a problem with trying this, but it would need to be suggested and discussed (away from the bedroom) at the point that a solid sexual connection had been formed. Good luck dude!
I would be like that’s amazing let’s go shopping soon ?
Wearing heels was one of my favorite parts of cross-dressing
My partner brought this up with me (not the first date obviously) and I am down with it. I find it incredibly sexy. If you meet the right woman who accepts you for all of who you are then you won’t have an issue.
I would be okay with it as a fun thing. I would not want to partake in it as a fetish. I’ve wanted to put my partners in drag before but that was more for fun. If he wanted to do it as part of sex I would find it an absolute turnoff.
id be ok, actually it would be very fun to go shopping for heels together!
If it’s the right girl, given time, she will
Accept it and maybe react in a positive sex play way. I mentioned I had a lipstick fetish, not massively dependent on sex. My girlfriend retorted your just a weird and that was it. Wrong girl wrong time
Speaking as a married late 20s in a pretty open minded section of the world. I’d be a bit wierded out. Since I don’t share that fetish I’d have a hard time enjoying it with my man and probably prefer that he doesn’t do it in front of me. I would not divorce him or shun him or forbid him. If he required a better reaction than that tho we might need to have a serious conversation about expectations and our future.
I know I’m not exactly the target demographic as a 30 year old dude but I really recommend checking out kink specific dating. You’ll go from “how tf do I tell them I want to piss in their ass” to meeting people who go “hell yeah I love it when people piss in my ass”.
Maybe try “fet” (the app)
The right person for you will be supportive!
It’s not something I would be into because I prefer a traditionally masculine partner so I think I would feel duped if someone brought this up quite far down the line, it’s not a first date conversation but definitely something to raise earlier on x
I’m not a young woman (I’m 45), but my man likes to wear corsets, fishnets, g-strings and boots. I find it hot. And yes, I peg him too.
You meet the right person, they will find it sexy.
He did ease me into it, as he has had bad outcomes before. He seemed happy that I find it sexy. Think Rocky Horror.
Would be just fine with it. Sounds fun!
I’d think of Jerry Brudos and then I wouldn’t know what to think.
Personally, turn-on. But I’m kinky af so.
For many women probably a turn-off. I know friends of mine who are very much attracted to the masculinity of men, while I am not.
I’m a lot more attracted to ‘soft’ or ‘feminine’ features I think, which includes both men, women and others for me( I’m omnisexual if that tells you anything aka. Think of it as Bisexual, it’s under the same umbrella term)
I think it’s rather sad that our society has norms, we of course don’t have to ‘oblige’ to but it’s clear that if we don’t to some aspect at least, we’ll have a harder time finding people that’ll like us and we’ll like (sexually+ romantically).
There’s still someone for everything, I mean people have the weirdest fetishes and kinks but there’s a lesser chance.
If I were you, I wouldn’t hide it from a long term partner. But ease them into it, maybe drop hints, or say “you want to try because you think it might be hot seeing yourself in XY/ heels in your case”. I mean God knows, maybe you’ll find a partner that is disgusted by the idea, but then loves it in practise. Just like many things are great in theory but awful when you actually do it.
Nonetheless Good luck:)
It would be such a huge turnoff for me that I just couldn’t deal with it. I’m all for honesty. And, in this case, it seems like it’s a pretty big deal. I mean, I wouldn’t go on the first date and reveal it to someone, but I certainly would before being intimate with them.
I say this because it would be such a big deal to ME that I would feel differently about myself if I found out I slept with a man that wears women’s shoes. I prefer a manly man like my husband. I’m all for some *nasty* sex and trying new things but that’s definitely never going to be one of them.
I’m not exactly young but my (39F) partner (33NB AMAB goes by he/they) is generally masculine in public but I find it hot when he wears more gender fluid and feminine clothes occasionally. Think high heeled boots like Rick Owens. He has good eye for fashion so whatever he’s wearing, he pulls it off and that’s what I find attractive.
In private I love when he wears cute props and costumes, like cat ears and a maid outfit. It’s mostly just playful fun between us and not a proper BDSM dynamic, but I enjoy the wholesome/gentle silliness of it and his confidence wearing pretty much anything and the willingness to please me like that is super hot.
I’m not sure what I’d feel if he wanted to go full cross-dress with stilettos and especially in public, but I’d always be willing to talk about it so I could understand his wants and work out something where both of us are comfortable. In private? He can wear whatever he likes if it turns him on. I’m not prudish about non-conforming gender expressions but then again I’m nearly 40. When I was in my 20s I had a lot more preconceived notions about queerness, kink etc. simply because I had not been exposed to the world and different people as much as I have now.
I’d say stuff like this is pretty private for most people though, and it’s not something I’d lead with on the first few dates. You want to establish trust and emotional/intellectual intimacy with your partner first so that they’ll be willing to open their mind to it, if they are queer identifying from the get go.
I’m more “middle aged” than young adult & married… but my 1st reaction would probably be to share my annoyance at the fact that my hubby is so much taller than me as it would make it impossible for me to borrow any nice dresses he might procure (& let’s be honest, the ability to share some of those would have been a huge benefit! Haha).
But with that being said, I expect that I would be supportive, but would have to also establish some boundaries in that regard as well. Like, I think I would kind of need to separate certain aspects of it from parts of our relationship? For example the part of myself that is best friends with my hubby would be ALL about it! Let’s get dressed up together, have a cocktail and do each other’s makeup, go to some shows, and just overall have fun! I’m totally down! Where I might have some trouble with it however, would be more within the bedroom itself. I’m just not sure if I would ultimately be able to get aroused by it. The way our present sexual dynamic is (which literally, practically checks all my sexual boxes) it would be very hard for me to see how that would really fit. If he felt he needed it to be incorporated, I would certainly try (always willing to try new things, plus, it wouldn’t be fair for me to have “all my boxes checked” and not make an effort to toward trying to check more of his, so to speak), and hopefully I’d be pleasantly surprised, but if I had to wager in advance, I’d think it might not quite allow me to be in the sexual headspace I need to personally be fulfilled.
I think it’s good to be honest about kinks.
Having a partner that you can share kinks with results in having a better sex life.
Not every partner is going to be compatible with your kinks but if they aren’t at least open to hearing about your kinks you are both probably better off finding more compatible partners.