Me (22 F) and boyfriend (22 M) have been on and off for 6 years.. our relationship started our junior year of high school and we have had MANY ups and downs. He has had some serious life trauma and I have tried to be there for him through it all. The problem is.. he’s emotionless. He wasn’t like that when we first started dating. He would always profess love, be so sweet and we adored each other (classic high school romance). Last time I broke up with him I had found out (by invasion of privacy) that he was sexually unattracted to me. I was on accutane at the time, s*x was dry, neither of us were in the best place mentally. After finding this out, I ended things with him a day later and gave him no explanation. He obviously tried to contact me for closure but never tried to fight for me. This was 2 or so years ago. I went no contact for a few months and ended up seeing him at a party. He embraced me and we ended up talking some things out and remaining in a situationship for nearly a year after this (it was my choice to be uncommitted). I didn’t tell him about me finding out that he was sexually unattracted to me until this last year which led to us becoming official again after I laid everything out there.
Things have been great until they haven’t been. He becomes easily complacent. I have been feeling so undervalued & I have expressed the need for words of affirmation, reassurance, and so forth. He always is so understanding and says he will be better but he never is consistent with changes. I can’t tell if he’s holding back because the times we’ve broken up it’s been me breaking up with him so he is scared? Or if he genuinely is so numb that he doesn’t have the capacity for me. I have been so open with him about my feelings and no change. I’m torn because I know he feels like a bad boyfriend when I tell him these things and I know he wants to try for me, but he does not understand how to feel or offer reassurance that I need despite me communicating this. I really thought marriage was the end all this last time of rekindling our relationship, but I have felt so many things that I am uncertain about lately.
I know reading this, there is an obvious answer to breakup with him again, but there is so much more to it. I have thought about telling him he needs to go to therapy, but I don’t want to be bossy or insist on this even though I probably should. I just don’t want to make him feel like there’s something wrong with him. I go through phases of resentment and phases of overwhelming love. I feel so up and down with our relationship. My family adores him despite our hardships in the past, and his family adores me. He’s always said he knows I’m the woman he is going to marry.
Our sex life is mediocre. He has had porn problems in the past & has been very honest about it. This was a contributing issue to the sexual unattraction which he admitted. But he doesn’t talk to me.. like at all during sex. He is very shy but I don’t feel that’s normal with your partner. He doesn’t feel completely wrapped up in me during s*x. I’m a Pisces and REQUIRE romance & obsession. For a woman to feel completely open in the bedroom, it requires a man to make her feel like she can be open & explore. He does not make me feel this way, but he used to. That’s where I’m confused on what has changed?
TD;LR
We have a great friendship, we really do. Our relationship is good despite these things. Is it worth working through and communicating, or is he not my person? I know asking the question seems like i already should have my answer, but i dont know that i could break his heart for a 3rd time.
please give me thoughts, opinions, questions, concerns ?!