I (28F), and married coworker (35M) have been friends(?) for over 6 years. We met at my first company and grew pretty close after I quit. In the interval between then and a year back (when we became coworkers again at a different company) he used to call almost every weekend, which is how we got close. We’re very different people and I always thought the friendship wouldn’t last, but he held it together. He was the one putting in all the effort while I just passively went along. We’re now in different departments but under the same umbrella so we work together quite a bit. He’s the director of his department while I’m two levels below him.
We grew even closer since we started working together again. We’d always had a platonic relationship and I looked up to him as a mentor. I knew he had a troubled marriage but didn’t know too many details about it. One evening after work, he invited me over to his place for a few drinks. I didn’t think much of it and agreed. After a few swigs, he opened up about his dead bedroom, and I about my almost non-existent sex life. He suggested that we have a purely physical affair. I come from a broken household and don’t believe in love or relationships, so his suggestion didn’t outrage me. We slept together that night.
The next day he texted me saying he didn’t want to do it anymore as he was afraid of getting caught. I said okay. Things weren’t as awkward as I expected at work and we went back to being friends.
Then, it happened again (mutual consent). This time, it was my turn to feel shitty. I wasn’t comfortable with the way he treated me during sex. I later called him and said I wanted to end it (didn’t say why). He said okay but also that he enjoys it way too much so it was going to be tough. We left it at that.
Slowly, his attitude towards me changed. He started distancing himself. I called him out on his change many times (when we used to get together he’d always say our friendship was very important to him and he’d let nothing get in its way). He denied anything being amiss each time while still being distant. I stopped asking him after a point but was seething inside. Our professional relationship was still intact.
A few weeks later, he unkowingly did something that violated a cause very close to my heart (not going into the details here). I snapped when I found out. I sent him a slew of EXTREMELY nasty messages, calling him names (which included cheater) and essentially assassinating his character. They were so ugly that I was horrified when I re-read them. I deleted them a few minutes after sending but he’d read them by then. He proceeded to reply, countering my texts but staying civil. I was 100% sure the friendship was over then. I didn’t try apologizing because nasty as they were, I’d still meant what I said.
When I went back to work (the above happened over a weekend), he pretended as if the whole incident never happened and behaved as usual. This suited me so I played along. Then, something work-related happened for which I needed his guidance. I approached him, fully expecting to be rebuffed, but he supported me throughout. The fact that he’d pushed aside his ego and helped me triggered something in me. In a few days, it was clear to me that he’d continue to be there for me, promptly picking my calls and answering my texts, while still staying emotionally aloof.
I, however, started craving our old friendship. I’d find excuses to call or text him, knowing full well I had no claim over his friendship after what I’d done. He always responded civilly. All this just fanned the flame more. Last week, I finally broke. I met with him on the pretext of work and told him how his change in attitude towards me after the affair affected me every day, and that I wanted things to go back to how they were before the affair. He replied saying he was still the same, and though he should’ve stopped talking to me altogether after my texts (I still couldn’t bring myself to apologize for them), he chose not to think about them. He said he’d have let me know if he didn’t want to stay friends, the only reason he wasn’t being as communicative as before was because of work (it’s true that he is overworked) and that he’d still be there for me whenever I needed him. He also said we’d talk about the affair once work settled down, since we hadn’t had a chance to do that. He ended the convo by reassuring me multiple times he hadn’t changed, even asking me what he could do to prove it.
I wasn’t entirely convinced but knew I couldn’t push him anymore, so I accepted his answer and left. For the past few days since the talk he’s been highly attentive towards me, initiating conversations, joking around me and teasing me as of old. As a test I asked him to go out of the way to help with some non-work-related stuff, and he did. I should be happy but I feel gutted because now I know I was right all along- he had been deliberately avoiding me and is now being friendly only because I asked. I don’t even know if it’s real or just an act. I believe he thinks I love him (he mentioned love a few times in the convo – I don’t love him and I told him so). Now I think he’s trying to be friendly out of guilt or pity or both.
I believe the solution here is to change jobs and leave all this behind, and I’m actively applying. I think it’s a case of out of sight, out of mind. But I don’t know if I can cut him off completely…
TL;DR: Had a fling with a long-term friend, broke the friendship with some nasty texts, and now want him back as a close friend.