TL;DR below
I (26F) love my boyfriend (34M). But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore.
It really breaks my heart, because he is my best friend and I’m at a loss of what I should do.
When we got together three years ago, we first talked about our potential future together. He wanted kids and was clear that if I didn’t see that in my future, we wouldn’t work out. This was not a question of rushing into having kids, but he explained that he was older than me, and looking for the partner he would build a family with. I completely understand him not wanting to “waste time” in a relationship that wouldn’t fill his needs.
Fast forward to now, we live together, have bought a house in another city(long story) and things are working just fine. He is my best friend, and I’m his. We do have our ups and downs, but most of the time, we are great at being there for each other. Problem is, I’m starting to see that we have different life ambitions, and I have a sinking feeling that sooner or later, it’s going to lead to us growing apart and breaking up.
Over the years, we’ve worked on strengthening our communication. This means we have had a lot of long and deep talks about our views on different situations. I think my problem is stemming from the fact that its becoming more apparent that I want to strive for something more, something bigger, than he does. I don’t mean in the sense of another relationship, but more regarding self growth and life aspirations. Most of the time his responses reveal that he is perfectly content with where he is right now, and that “good enough” works just fine. That is of course okay, and I’m happy he feels satisfied. But for me, that signals that he’s okay not putting more of an effort into things. I accept that no relationship will ever be perfect, but I believe that once an issue is brought to your attention, you can choose take action to try to improve. I don’t expect that to completely solve an issue, but rather let it be a learning experience to grow from.
An example of this is the communication we’ve been working on. I took initiative to implement the system of us talking calmly about situations when they arise, mainly because I saw that we had a problem with misunderstanding each other and not letting both perspectives be heard. We do talk about things, but it’s always me talking initiative to do so, even if it’s just to let him say his feelings and thoughts. If I don’t say anything, he’s fine just sweeping it under the rug. Same goes for scenarios where it’s more on a personal level. I’m quite aware that I have a lot of flaws, and even if they can’t be fixed overnight, I want to at least take small steps to improving on them. That’s also why I don’t feel ready to have kids yet, because I don’t want to unload my unaddressed issues on a kid.
He however seems to acknowledge problems he has, and then goes on to shrug and hope things will change without him doing anything to change it. Once again, it’s not about the flaws in question, but the inability to reflect about what he could do to change. It’s making me fear that I might want to move forward and grow, while he’s stuck in the same place as now. When I picture my life in 30 years, I can see us being together, but I want to be a better person than I am today. I fear that he is content staying exactly the same as now, and it’s making me feel like my own growth progress could be hindered from having to focus on addressing the same issues we’ve had since the beginning.
Reading this back to myself, it sounds like a clear “call it quits”, but at the same time it feels like a much more complicated situation. 95% of the time, he’s supportive, understanding and really great as a person. We spend a lot of time together and it’s the best. But I think this realization has been building for long enough that I don’t feel I’m in love with him anymore. He’s more and more going back to being my best friend, who I love, but I also don’t always support his life choices. It feels wrong to uproot everything we’ve built together, and to loose my best friend over this. I also feel so bad about him “wasting time” on our relationship, and even moving to another town, when he’s been clear with his wants since the start.
I kind of want to convince myself we can get through this and make it work, but if it doesn’t I don’t want to have strung him along for even longer, delaying his chances of finding someone else and building a family. It feels like no matter what I do, I’ve ruined his life, and I don’t know what to do…
What should I do?
TL;DR: I’m (26F) realizing my boyfriend (34M) of three years and I might be growing apart, based on our life ambitions. We’re best friends and I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I also don’t him to settle for a one sided love.