How important is sexual compatibility with your partner ?

12 comments

1. To me, it is *the* most important thing. Nothing is more important than our shared intimacy and passion. I need to know that my partner and I share kinks, kiss the same, have similar aftercare needs, etc etc etc. I can’t see (for me and my libido) how a relationship could work without extreme sexual compatibility.

   It’s really hard to define red flags if you haven’t personally explored your own sexuality. Knowing what to look for can come with experience because we all have different preferences and turn ons. But as long as your partner is respectful, no aggression, patient, communicates openly, is vulnerable .. that’s a good foundation to build off together.

2. If it isn’t there, I don’t want it

3. I think that it’s important and I do think that incompatibility can break a relationship. Sex is pretty important to a lot of people. There are many sad tales of frustration in /r/DeadBedrooms from people that are not sexually compatible with their partner. Most of those are related to frequency, but there are also many people that are somewhat frustrated because one person is much more adventurous than the other but is constrained by the more vanilla person that wants to stick to basics.

   My personal opinion is that it’s important to determine whether you’re sexually compatible *before* marriage because it’s difficult to undo a marriage once you’re in it. I understand that you have religious restrictions on that, but I think that waiting until after marriage means that you’re taking more of a risk of marital problems than people who know that they’re sexually compatible before getting married.

   I think the key thing to look for early and to continue in order to maintain a good intimate relationship is to be sure that you both always treat each other with respect, even if you disagree about something, and communicate well and be attentive to each other’s needs. Sex needs to be enjoyable for both people and it’s important to make sure that happens in order to keep the intimacy going long term.

   I’ve been with my partner for nearly 10 years now and I do not get bored with her and want to look away. In fact, I look every chance I get lol. I still find her attractive even after nearly a decade together.

4. So, the challenge with this whole thing is:

   – Once “in the confines of marriage,” you’ll be SURPRISED how much any and all restrictions your religion puts around specific sex acts flies out the window.

   – If you marry someone with a markedly higher libido than yours, you very well may end up in a situation where you are pressured often for sex you don’t really want to have, or specific sex acts you might have been led to believe were not “in the limits of your religion.”

   – There’s a greater than not chance that there will be pain in the beginning– and, you may end up with a partner who says “yeah, tough crap, this is my husbandly right, so do your wifely duty.” (You may, also, end up with an educated person who takes his time and understands that sex, esp for women, is never “stick it in -> FIREWORKS!”)

   And, yes, sexual compatibility can VERY WELL “break a marriage,” and the challenge with these arrangements is that, once you are in, you have to suck it up and STAY in, even if there is pressure, pain, stuff you’re not comfortable with, etc.

   You also are likely to find that your partner wants to go from no touching, no kissing to full-on penetration on the first night, and that’s a thing other people have MONTHS to work up to, taking each progression a step at a time and really figuring out what pleasure people (esp the woman) can get from every step along the way (making out, humping, touching, fingering, oral, etc.)

   You are most likely going to be asked/expected to jump immediately to what is, honestly, the LEAST pleasurable piece of sex for most women (PIV.)

   I really encourage you to ask your partner to take his time gradually escalating through all those steps so that you both can figure out what you LIKE. And, I think the biggest “red flag” would be if he’s not interested in doing that.

5. It helps to be evenly matched. If it’s too out of balance the relationship won’t work. You can compromise but, if the compromising is all the time is not going to work.

6. Sexual compatibility is hugely important. Besides the closeness and intimacy, good sex has a way of smoothing out the rough spots. Little things that irritate or annoy you about your spouse become less of an issue if you are making love regularly.

   If your religion means that you and your husband will both be inexperienced, then there is something to be said for learning about your sex lives together. Just make sure to be honest with each other and communicate.

7. It matters a lot to have the same sexual compatibility to me

8. It matters a lot, but to an extent, given the lack of experience, but from personal experience, I do know that it’s possible that you and your future partner will sort of co-evolve your respective sexualities in communication with each other during the marriage such that you’ll grow to be compatible.

9. It’s 100% important, and the religious hang-up that requires two adults to wait until marriage to finally find out and try and figure it all out does no favor to any marriage, imo.

   Use this sub-reddits search function for endless stories of newlyweds this religiously induced scenario has been hugely problematic for.

   I’m a Christian and not some hater/heathen trying to tell you It’s dumb or anything like that at all. Just saying to use the search function and see what others in your situation have discovered. Good luck.

10. I had a marriage that ended because of lack of sexual compatibility. It’s important. You might get lucky. But it’s FAR from guaranteed or likely.

11. I am sorry to say that but this is one of ways how the religion can destroy your life. Sexual compatibility is the crucial part of relationship and if there is no chance of easy escape (divorce is mostly forbidden in religious communities), you can be stucked in it for life. I completely understand your fears and cant even imagine this deep void in front of you.

    What are red flags? The same like in other fields of life. If your partner starts to pressure you into something you dont really want to do, he is not respecting you. But do you have any tools to help yourself from this situation? In a boundaries of your religion, are you even allowed to deny sex? Can you leave him and go back to your parents or something if he is not nice to you?

12. Be aware: You are going to get very biased answers from a sex subreddit. But, also keep in mind you are talking to a lot of very experienced sexperts…

    Overall, it is my belief that sex and sexual compatibility are one of the most (if not most) important factors in a relationship. Its practically the primary motivator for anyone to get married, right? Lets not kid ourselves and say “its for friendship!”. If people got married purely for friendship, then why get married? You dont need to get married to be friends, right? People get married for sex and starting new families.

    Sex is the cornerstone of a marriage. Without it, you are just two room mates living together. Normal couples will frustrate the hell out of each other and fight and bicker and be annoying. In sexless circumstances, you would eventually leave such a person – its starts with annoyance, grows to resentment (relationship poison), and the contempt, followed by divorce. But with lots of regular hot sex? its hypnotism juice for both sides, making you think “okay, this person is annoying, but I love them anyways.” you can basically annoy the hell out of your partner, and everytime you have hot sex, all is forgiven. For religious people, its like going to mass every day.

    If a couple stop having sex, its the beginning of the end for the relationship. It may take a few years to manifest completely, but this is usually what ends it. There is a joke that goes something, “how do you know when a woman loses her interest in sex? she tastes wedding cake.” (can happen to men too, to be totally fair). But the fear is real: if the sex stops, the relationship will wither and die in time.

    Religion really fucks up young people and their relationships by demanding total abstinence until marriage. They dress up virginity as a virtue. But what ends up happening? young 18-19 year old couples are dying to get laid and the only way to do that guilt free is to get married, so they get married, fuck a few times, pop out a kid, get smacked in the face by the reality of being a parent.. and the brains of these kids hasnt even fully matured yet! You stop growing at around 26 years old, so there is a LOT of personal growth and discovery to be made between 18 and 26. When people say “you arent the same man/woman I married!”, they may be right! So, a HUGE number of divorces happen to people who get married before age of 22. They can really screw up their lives so early, all because they wanted to have guilt free sex and live within the confines of their religion.

    I say, have a lot of sex before marriage. But do it safely. Use condoms. Use birth control. Explore whats out there. Sexuality is a personal journey of self discovery and a broadening of your comfort zones. You become enlightened. You stop putting pussy/dick on a pedastle as the end-all-be-all for a relationship and you learn to treasure it more maturely, as a vital component to a functioning healthy relationship. You learn your own true libido, preferences, kinks, fetishes, etc and recognize when you find a partner who is sexually compatible with you. When that happens, marriage is an option if you choose to go down that path. If you just rush into marriage to have sex, you are rolling a dice and hoping to get really lucky in the sex department to beat all odds. Remember, the honeymoon period ends after 2 years and gets replaced by your true libidos.