my dad wants to actually be my dad and im not able to forgive him and be cool

33 comments

1. “I find it difficult to forgive you. Turns out, you being a nice person for 1-2 years hasn’t been able to offset you abusing me for 20.”

   I suspect that the biggest issue here is your guilt. Common with people who has been abused. So let me give you some advice on that.

   I don’t know how else to say it, but do you realize that guilt is just an emotion like any other and doesn’t reflect reality?

   Can you imagine a situation where someone feels guilty when they’re not guilty?

2. Break the cycle don’t perpetuate it

3. You should never feel guilty for having emotions, especially ones that you used as a form of protection for so long. It’s not easy to forgive someone after they’ve proven time and time again for many years that they don’t care – regardless of whether or not they’ve changed – and that’s okay.

   Sounds like for many many years he didn’t put you first, even though that’s what a parent is supposed to do.
   Now you get to put yourself first.

4. What are you going to regret more? Forgiving him for his past sins or not taking advantage of the time you guys have left together? Only you know the answer to that question. From my own experience: my dad described my grandpa much like you describe your father. Towards the end he sort of realised he was going to die with sons that he alienated with his shitty behavior. My dad chose to forgive, his twin did not. I honestly don’t know who made the better choice.

5. don’t force it

6. There is such a thing as too little, too late. This is too little, too late.

   Has he ever even apologised? Forgiveness tends to come after apologies, not before.

7. These things takes time to heal. Maybe he had trouble communicating his feelings as you know most man tend to bottle up their feelings . But sounds like he realized he hurted you and doesn’t know how to be upfront with it. It’s best to break the cycle before you become another shadow of your fathers past n feel disconnected if you have ur own child. Your father has already put down his running shoes. So why are you still running

8. You owe him nothing.

   Not even if he’s dying.

   It’s ok that you are upset, and it’s ok that you will grieve when he passes. You already have, and still are, grieving the father you never had.

   I cut contact with my dad permanently a couple of years ago. I still miss him. But the person I’m missing isn’t real – it’s an idealised version of him that will never exist.

   I’m sorry.

9. Read (the body keeps the score) it covers a lot about trauma and covers a couple different ways to help heal

10. I’m the same as you OP, 36m and my dad was a cunt growing up. He lost everyone because of his shit. I don’t remember ever being hugged by him, literally ever. I didn’t talk to him for 10 years, my mum left him, his brother doesn’t talk to him, my brother married and took his wife’s family name (!) to disengage. ‘Cats in the cradle’. Or the movie Warrior. And same as your old man, the older he gets the more he tries to hold on. But no one cares about what he wants. He wasn’t there when we needed him. He made us cold, we all made our own fires.

11. Okay, so the long and short of it is that in no way shape or form should you feel bad.

    I’ve typed out literally five different iterations of my comment here so I’m just stream-of-consciousness-ing it otherwise I’ll never get it written down.

    I’ve literally been there. My father is a petty, narcissistic, self-deluding man who cared more about treating me as a prop to make his claims of being a “great father” look real enough than he actually cared about me as a person. He’d constantly guilt me into accepting his requests to see him, we’d end up somewhere he could show people how hard he works, then the rest of the weekend I’d be at his house I’d barely see him lest he actively insult everything I did and wanted.

    From the sound of it, your father wants to suddenly jump forwards in time past the recognition and apologies part of his improvement as a person. He wants you to shoulder the emotional damage that pretending he was always kind for his comfort. *He is doin exactly what he’s always done.* He is ignoring how you feel and treating you like a means to an end. This time, the end is him feeling satisfied. He wants you to shut up about how he made you feel and pretend for a second that he was as good a person as he wants to delude himself into believing.

12. This is me dude, except I’m a few years older (26) and my dad is not dying.

    Horrible to me growing up; I was TERRIFIED of him. Emotionally & occasionally physically abusive, silent treatment for months if I played poorly in sports, talk shit about me publicly and online, etc.

    It took me forever to get over it. My early 20s I was aimless, depressed, and had no idea how to be a man. The last couple of years have been transformative for me, and my dad has been kinder and more “fatherly” as he aged.

    I hated him when he started being nicer, and I hated myself for being so weak about it all. I realized, though, that I had to forgive him for me, not for him, and I had to forgive myself (for some reason, I blamed myself as well for his actions).

    I hope you find it in yourself to forgive, even though he doesn’t deserve it. Just remember it’s for you much more than it is for him. Good luck OP.

13. Maybe it would help if you actually confronted him about everything he did to you, how much it messed you up mentally and emotionally, how much he is the reason for your anxiety and depression. Really let him have it on all fronts, no holds barred. Maybe if you got it all out there, you could start improving your relationship with him a little.

    I think you want him to at least acknowledge what he did to you, not just sweep it under the rug.

14. Tell him this. Even if it hurts him. This is your honest truth. He’s trying to reach out and it maybe that he has come to realise he was awful and trying to make it up in the only way he can.

    My mum did this when she was dying. I still struggle with my guilt as she is now dead and I resented her because of our past. Thing is she had Alzheimer’s and I couldn’t tell her. It still fucks with my head.

15. This is exactly like the relationship between me and my father. A few days ago, he said sorry to me. This time he meant it. I could see it. I think it’s to do with someone telling him that I was going to the hospital for serious reasons. Which I am. I think his fear of losing me, is was made him do it. I forgave him, and now things are easier. He’s trying. That’s all I can ask from him.

    The worst thing you can live with, is regret. It’s ultimately your choice of course, but maybe you can use this opportunity to get everything off your chest. Tell him everything that he did wrong. No matter how long it takes. Even if you need to shout at him. Do it. You don’t have to forgive him. That’s your personal choice. But say everything you need to say to him. Then hug it out. If you need to, leave after this. It’s up to you. But once you verbally get your frustrations out, you will feel better. Trust me.

16. You could try to sit and eat a meal together , no need to talk just make small talk like a stranger and move forward if you feel like that’s the move. Hope your relationship is much better than mine goodluck op.

17. It’s not for you to feel bad. You suffered neglect as a child. That’s not something that just goes away. It’s okay to feel sad because you want to connect however you have some much to process Before you can. Unfortunately your dad’s actions do not get rug sweeped because he is sick

    If you’re not in therapy please find a trauma specialist

18. You know, OP, this doesn’t have to happen on his terms and on his timeline. Take your time to grieve the childhood that you lost because of his abuse, get into therapy, build up a wonderful life and support system that doesn’t include him and then invite him in later if you want to, on your terms.

    He doesn’t just get to decide that you have a relationship now when he’s never cultivated that.

19. You should get therapy. Not even necessarily so you forgive your dad, but just so you can quiet the voices in your own head.

20. My step-father was also pretty shitty to me as a child. My bio dad was a drunk and not there for me when I needed him. But my step-father also took me places and did things with me. So while he was still an asshole to me at times, he was always there for me. As I’ve gotten older, I am able to put myself into his shoes better — how difficult must it have been coming into a relationship where you raise another, neglectful man’s child? I’ve grown to accept that I had my part to play as well, and while I don’t blame myself like I used to for it all, I was still a bratty teenager who only knew how to act out. That must’ve made things even harder for him. Still, he stuck with my mom and I truly can see that he loves and cares for her.

    It isn’t your responsibility to forgive, but it is your responsibility to break the cycle of neglect. If it will eat away at you for the rest of your life after he’s dead, isn’t that just teaching yourself to be neglectful? Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you.

21. My dad was the same way. When he was younger and in decent health it was all about him. Now he’s older and needs someone. Guess who is there for him? No one. I used to feel kinda bad but not as bad as if I started contacting him again. Lose the guilt, he is not worth it and you are not alone

22. Have you ever laid it all out on the table for him, and just let loose? Have you really held him accountable for the damage he did? If not, then I suggest you do. You can do it in a letter, or in person. Just really lay out all the details of the abuse, how it made you feel, how it’s destroyed your happiness and emotional health and your ability to trust. Tell him how you forgave him a hundred times, only for him to betray your forgiveness and abuse you again. Tell him what he wants doesn’t matter here. How he feels doesn’t matter. If he wants to “make it right” that’s not about him getting what he wants from you to soothe his ego. That’s about him being willing to do what it takes to help you heal, for your own sake, o matter how much it hurts him. And if he can’t do that and just keeps pushing you to ignore your pain for his benefit, how is that any less selfish than the 20 years of abuse that came before it?

    He may not have any answers for you. He may acknowledge it and own it in a way which helps you feel validated and helps you heal, whether or not you want a relationship . He may storm off like a narcissist rather than accepting he did anything wrong, which will alleviate your guilt because it will affirm that your lack of desire to connect was correct.

23. Forgiveness isn’t a gift to the aggressor it is the gift you give yourself. Anger and resentment are like fire, the tighter you hold on to it the hotter it gets. You are feeding the fire and doing damage to yourself.

    You can forgive but not forget. Forgiving doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t live up to your standards. Your feelings aren’t invalidated by forgiving.

    Forgiveness isn’t a one time event. However, by forgiving him you are taking control of the situation.

24. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness. You’re allowed to keep your anger and mistrust.

25. >I cant just forgive him now that hes nice.

    Has he actually apologized to you for the way he treated you, or asked for forgiveness? Made amends in any way?

    Or is he just being nice because now he sees he can get something out of it (your company)?

26. Even now, is he reaching out because he cares about you or because he wants to clear his conscience? If he cared, he’d respect your boundary and leave you alone.

    Being around him causes you pain and it’s okay to protect yourself from that, even if he had one day left to live.

27. Idk if this is helpful. But when you tried to forgive him, was it because you were guilty that you cant and were trying to force it? Sadly won’t be able to force forgiveness.

    Do you get anxious in his presence bc you just cant shake the bad memories away or is it because you have something you really need to say but are afraid to or don’t feel like its worth it to say it?

    I understand both of those. Sometimes I can get past being wronged but I’ll be frozen for a little bit if I remember, and I’ll replay the harm done and feel like i did in the moment, but if the relationship is good now then the bad memory passes.
    It could and will be much harder to just let it go if the actions were too harmful or if there arent that many good memories to compete with the bad.

    Anyway, I think if you feel guilty for not forgiving, then ask yourself what you are forgiving. Is he sorry for those things? Even if he is, does it still just run through your mind too deeply to get past? If he wasn’t dying, would you consider forgiving him, would you feel guilty for not?

    I think being honest is the best course. Tell yourself you wish you could be the better person and forgive a dying person, but honestly you can’t because the impact is lasting. And be rest assured there are plenty off people in your shoes who agree that this is rational to not forgive a person even if they are sorry.

    Also be honest about the guilt too, you feel bad you cant forgive, but that its okay because forgiveness is optional. And you feel guilty bc that is what abuse does to people. And even feeling guilty is a sign that you are a caring person, but a person being sorry now can’t displace childhood pain.

    If you want to give it a try to forgive, if your dad is sorry, then you should tell him this. If not then skip this paragraph. Tell him your guilty too and wish you weren’t. But he did this, that and the other, and it impacts your life negatively, and you may not be able to forgive him but you’ll try. To avoid excuses and deflections, tell him you underatand he had a bad childhood too, he didn’t realize hoe bad it was, or w.e else, but even tho you know and underatand these things, your childhood still hurt.
    I don’t know what your dad could do other than accept that these things are true and that he has to show that he’s sorry without reasons. Or if he wants to explain the reasons or faulty logic w.e then that’s fine, but only if he follows with “this doesn’t justify it, bit this is where O was. But I want to be better now.”

    If you dont want to forgive him and can’t but still feel guilty and need to get it off your chest to him. Rip the bandaid off and tell him you cant forgive him and you can’t foster a good relationship with him now bc you’re whole body reacts to being in his presence. You can even say you’re sorry you cant forgive him and you get anxiety from wishing that you could, but you just cant bc of reasons you said. Tell him goodbye and that you hope he finds peace and support.

    Either way, its not going to be a fun convo but I think you could at least find solace in telling him the truth. If he is really sorry, it will hurt but he should accept and understand it. And hopefully offer to let you lead the kindling of a new adult child and father relationship at your lace, if thats what you want.
    If it gets ugly, then remove yourself and say you wished it could be better than this, but you really tried.

    Honestly OP, I think you really did try to forgive him.and are guilty that you can’t. But like I said and others have said, forgiveness is optional and you shouldn’t force yourself and shame yourself for how you really feel, bc your body doesn’t like it.

28. When someone dies, grieving is a lot harder and takes longer if there is unresolved stuff that you no longer have the opportunity to resolve. I would recommend trying to talk this out with your dad. Start with your intention (that you want to connect and forgive) and from there address why you feel blocked from connecting. When I was trying to resolve things with my mom, I made the mistake of starting with my grievances. She didn’t understand that my end goal was to connect, so it was harder. You could try writing a letter.

29. Dude. You are not communicating and its literally killing you. That’s the entire problem here. You started bottling up your emotions as a child and never stopped. That’s why you’re emotionally overloaded. Because you won’t talk about anything.

    You want closure? SPEAK UP.

    You never confronted your dad or talked about your feelings in a healthy way. If you don’t do it before it’s too late it will literally kill you. You need to tell him the reason for all of this. Why you keep rejecting him. Why you’re avoiding him. How this has effected you for years.

    This is your last chance. You need to take it.

30. I had a similar, albeit not so intense, version of this growing up (and still today, to some extent). I was a bright kid, and ever since one single teacher told my parents that I was smart, but not fully applying myself at about age 10, my dad suddenly decided I was a lazy, good for nothing sack of shit.

    Since then, nothing I ever did was good enough to please him. I felt lacking every single time I achieved anything. Always put-downs, snide comments and mean piss-taking at, any opportunity. I never did figure out the full reason.

    Eventually, it gave me a huge inferiority complex, which lasted well until my late 20s before I figured out what was going on. I also believe it’s at least partly the reason I have an anxious attachment style.

    Once I realised what had happened, it made me hate him, and galvanised me into action. It became my mission to surpass him in all aspects. Thankfully, I have done so several times over. This has caused him to be very proud of me, in his old age. He has recently made sacrifices for me that I truly appreciate. And he has been able to show love for me in recent years too.

    He still takes digs at me (and my younger sibling) whenever he can, and I guess that’s just the way he is. I’ve learned to love him again, but I can never forget what he put me through for so many years. I have had my “revenge”, in my mind, by doing better in every part of my life than he did, and I think that’s enough for me. OP, I hope you find your peace, and your own way to deal.

31. Dad, I’m going to be honest with you. I know you are trying to connect with me, and you are different from when I was a child, but it’s never that simple. I was so disappointed and traumatised by the way you treated me that it’s very hard to open my heart to you now. I gave you so many chances when i was young but it always ended in heartbreak for me. Now it’s too late; I can’t conjure up good feeling about you. Sorry.

32. Maybe deep down inside you want revenge for how he made you feel, an eye for an eye. Suddenly he’s sick, dying, and being kind, and it’s forcing you to stop trying to make him felt how you felt. Why does he get to be happy in his end when he made you feel bad for this beginning part of your life when you were molded into who you’ve become. You said it best, this guilt will be with you until the day you’ll die. You’re holding on to negative emotions, your memories are not the best of him, and you have decided to stop and not change that. Your real peace may come from giving a chance to new memories, to something good for once. You saw his gesture, his cigar, and you didn’t take it and you just can’t stop thinking about it. What if you took that cigar? How would you feel? You’re at a crossroads in your life, you’re at a point where what you decide to do with your father for the rest of his time here will effect you in some way, good or bad, for the rest of your life. My advice for you would be to take that cigar, make hopefully better memories, and if it doesn’t work at least you know that you really tried. If it does work, your life will change for the better. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain, I hope you’ll give it a shot. Rooting for you dude 🙌🏻

33. You’re not an asshole for not forgiving him, you’re human. You are not obligated to forgive him.

    If you want to try and have your relationship with your dad mended, then ask him to go to family therapy with you.

    If you don’t want to attempt any mending, then go no or low contact with him. You can be honest and tell him you don’t want a relationship with him because of how he treated you your entire life.

    Sometimes, the changes people make are too little, too late.