(F21, M29) he’s my first boyfriend. I never had a problem attracting guys, i actually had the problem of all the guys around me having feelings for me so i couldn’t keep any platonic guy friends. But could never like anyone. I’d always reject anyone who asked me out bc they weren’t up to my standards. I ended up playing otome games and reading romance mangas to fill the void of not being able to feel anything towards any guy. And i kinda got to the conclusion that i can’t like any real guy, just the fictional ones bc my ideal guy doesn’t exist in the real world. Until i met him.
If i had a list of all the things i want in a guy before i met him, i’m sure he would check every point in the list. Not just appearance-wise, there are a lot of guys who look good. But both appearance and personality and attitude and literally everything. He moved to another city for 6 months before we started officially dating and even during those 6 months, i kept having this feeling. That i’ve met my ideal guy and now i can’t have feelings for anyone. Then when he moved back and asked me out, it was too good to be true. (At first he said he’s moving away forever so i thought i lost him forever) During these 4 months, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have him.
It’s been 5 days that he’s been acting distant. Then a few hours ago he texted me saying “i don’t think we can continue our relationship. I’ve been thinking a lot and i feel like I need someone more mature, someone who can help me grow. Someone i can have mutual goals with. And that person isn’t you” i called him and we talked. I told him to give me another chance. He said you can’t just grow up in one or two months if i give you another chance. You need at least 5 more years. When i’m with you, i feel like i’m babysitting someone. And sometimes i need someone to be like my mother too. I can’t always be in the parental role. I’m not in the stage to have to babysit a child. Then he said ok i’ll give it another chance. I’m not giving you another chance, more like giving some more time to myself to evaluate this more. But i feel like this relationship cannot go long-term. And imagine we’re together for 2 years. It’s gonna be harder to end things then. So it’s better to be sooner than later. But i’ll give it more time.
I said do you not have feelings for me anymore? He said ofc my feelings are less than before, that’s why i’m saying these. But i still do have feelings for you. But it’s not just about feelings, my logic tells me it doesn’t work out. But yea the truth is i still have feeing for you, like your body and your face. But i don’t have any feelings for the way our relationship is, you know?
So he basically told me he only likes my appearance. And it confirmed something for me. That guys can only have feelings for my appearance. I was always insecure about this. That my personality isn’t attractive. I’m really socially awkward and even my brother says i have regression. That i’m still in my child phase. Idk what to do about it. It’s something i always felt. That guys start liking me for my appearance and then they realize it’s just the looks, like i’m just a beautiful empty shell. And it breaks my heart to know what i felt was true.
I honestly don’t know what to do. We’re gonna be together for some more time. But i’ll just have to wait for him to decide he wants to end things for real. It makes me feel like i should’ve agreed to end things rn. It’s so hard for me to see him. And yet i can’t not see him. Idk how to move on. He’s the only guy i’ve ever loved and he’s so ideal i don’t think i can find anyone more perfect than him. And that i’m gonna just love him forever and he’s gonna find someone better. He said we don’t have enough in common. I said did you with others? And he said yes. He had more in common with even his exes and even those didn’t last. I said is it that easy to suddenly not see me anymore? He said it’s hard for you bc it’s your first relationship. If it’s your first it’s my 100th relationship. And through those, i realized life still goes on after a break up. It even helps you grow.
Idk what to do. I can’t believe i met my ideal guy and he’s breaking up with me just bc i’m me. I didn’t even do anything wrong. How do i move on? We’re still gonna be together but the way he said it, i don’t think it’ll last. I was so in love with him i can even fuckin marry him rn. That’s how much i love him. I won’t want any other guy if i can have him. What do i do?