I (22) took a couple years off from dating to focus on school, work, etc. and recently started seeing someone who I really enjoy. We’ve been on about half a dozen dates, from catching a movie to horseback riding. She’s (20) stayed the night nearly every night, and she appears to be everything I’ve been looking for in a woman.
Yesterday afternoon, we were at my place playing drunk chess. After one game, she asked if we could have a serious conversation, where she explained to me that I’m competing with another man in her hometown, nearly 1,000 miles away. She said they started talking around the same time her and I did, and she’s not sure who to choose.
I just told her that I understand, and to let me know what she decides to do within a reasonable amount of time, at her discretion though, as I don’t want to pressure her in any way.
I’m a firm believer in choosing the second person, because if the first person was substantial enough, there wouldn’t even be a second person to consider. I’m not sure if this is a foolish or childish mindset, and I am also considering just calling the whole thing off in general, as I do not want to focus on work, school, and competing for one girls attention.
If anyone has any advice, or criticism, please lay it on me, as I’m at a bit of a loss this morning.
36 comments
If she used the term ‘competing’ that’s a bit of a red flag. It’s not a competition
I would’ve said “well let me help you with that decision… leave”
As harsh as it sounds if a woman lets you know you have competition, at least me personally I would leave her alone, I know My worth if you don’t see it good for you I could care less. This has been good on my mental health ngl.
I agree with you OP and it’s not childish to not want to compete for one woman’s attention! if she doesn’t know your worth that’s her issue, which is completely ok. I would do that too personally let her choose the second guy. I want to be with someone that’s sure about me and not on the fence!
Don’t compete let her go. No competing for women its bullshit.
🚩
I always live life by this rule.
If someone has to choose between me and someone else.
Dont pick me.
Literally don’t compete for love. It’s the worst reward but the best gift
You don’t. If you’re not THE choice, you’re no choice. Don’t let yourself be an option, bro.
Tell her
“it’s not a competition for me and that’s not why I’m here. If you have to choose between someone else and I, then it’s obvious to me we are not on the same page and I feel it best for me to walk away at this point.”
You choose for her. A man walks away and means it. He knows his worth and won’t allow a woman or anyone to determine it. Walk away. It’s masculine
If she immediately changes her mind and wants you HUGE RED FLAG. She’s needy and has to have someone. At this point, it’s not worth it. She let you know who she is. You’ll just be there until she finds something else
Yeah I would have told her “I’m not competing with anyone. I am who I am and you haven’t earned any sacrifice on my part yet. So take it or leave it.”
She should be competing for you. Let her go.
She’s the type that’s looking for the next best thing. Whatever you do don’t be weak emotionally and stand your ground!
Yeah, what everybody else in this thread said. If she is seriously considering someone she’s just “talking” to that lives 1,000 miles away while you’ve pulled out all the stops for, she’s just using and playing with you for her entertainment. You sound like you deserve someone that cares for you as much as you care for them, not someone who treats you as just a another option.
She used the word Competing?…who does she think she is lol
Ive had guys and still have guys who had wanted to start things with me, to the point they’ll love bomb
But she knows what she really wants, all females do
If she had to tell you that…shes thinking of picking the other guy
Pluss he is miles away and she still unsure?
I am a firm believer of if you are satisfied with what you have now, any other things outside will be of no use to you…
Meaning she doesn’t like you enough to want to discard ever other guy
As a woman, this is a massive red flag in a non exclusive relationship. Even if there was someone else she was considering, there was no need to add that insecurity to your relationship. This will not end well. Simplify her life and make her decision easy for her.
I believe you said it best. I too believe if there’s a second person, just choose them.
I’d tell her to go ahead and choose the other guy and you don’t feel it appropriate for anyone in the situation to “compete”, and of course that you wish her luck.
I respect that she told you, so in return the respect should be given back.
She’s a sicko,
Does she think thats supposed to make you feel jealous ? I understand bro that maybe during the early stages there’s a little playful competition but this definitely feels like a precursor to something worse later down the line
Dude, have some self respect here – she’s telling you you’re “competing” with another dude? Fuck that.
Tell her you’re not interviewing for a job, if you’re not her undisputed first choice (and you’re clearly not), you’re out. Move on. Cut contact, make that choice easy for her, and YOU. What do you win if she chooses you? Someone who will be constantly second guessing her choice, and likely having another competitor to measure against you down the line.
Time to man up, and not stay in a shit situation because you’re lonely or needy.
Mate, take yourself out the race. Don’t compete, that is genuinely childish as fuck.
It took me until my late 20’s early 30’s to learn this but respect yourself.
Ya man like, if this was after a couple dates and she just said she’s dating someone else as well right now but she’s keeping things open that’s one thing… but you’ve been out more than that and she specifically used the word “competing”?
If she didn’t actually say competing then maybe it’s fine to feel it out but otherwise I’d just leave and make sure you tell her exactly why.
Answer: “You don’t.”
You walk away.
She’s for the streets OP, just tell her you’ll keep fucking her until then. That or just leave. I don’t get why people do this sort of stuff.
I agree. I would tell her to pick the other guy immediately.
This ain’t a race my guy. Do you and if she don’t choose you then it wasn’t meant to be from the jump
This just sounds wrong to me mate. She is getting a kick out of attention obviously and wants you to give her more of it. I would suggest cooling off for some time and let her come to you. You choose!
Personally fuck competition, take me or leave me quit messing around I’m not trying to play a game of who’s gonna get hurt
***”You’re competing with another man”.***
Why let her drop that scarcity mindset on you?
My response: “Ok, I wish you the best. Thanks for the chess. Bye.”.
“I hope you’ll be happy with him. Good day.”
Dating should NOT be a competition. Don’t be someone’s second choice. If they are conflicted let it be. If someone really likes you they should devote their time and energy into you
As the majority mentions, let her go. You are not someones “Option”. Know your worth, op 👍🏻
You should have another conversation with her and tell her you met another woman and she’s competing with her.
Her next reaction should decide your next move.
If she reacts negatively just break up with her, you’re better off and it’s obvious that all she thinks about is her.
If she starts acting different and really tries to stand out and give 150%. Starts doing shit that she wouldn’t have done before. Let her do that for a while and after a few weeks, tell her that the other woman did more and you decided to go with the other woman.
What the fuck is wrong with people? She acts like she wants a relationship and then pulls this shit off like you’re her crutch and can use you as she wants?
Either way you’re better off king.
“You’re clearly not invested in us and I need to invest my time in someone that wants to be with me, good luck with your long distance boyfriend and please don’t contact me anymore”
‘I’m going to make the choice for you’ and leave. Jfc the stuff people put up with…
Run. There plenty of other females waiting for you. If you have to compete with someone for her, you’ve already lost.
6 dates sounds like a long time before mentioning they’re entertaining another person. At least they told you but I’d still call that a red flag. I don’t really see why someone 1k miles away is all that relevant if she’s living in your town. I’d listen to the other folks here and pull back when giving her time to decide.
This is a shit test. You should start swiping and find another woman. Use her as a backup until she gets serious
Does bachelor #1 know the situation? If not she’s a cheater and that is a neon red flag!!