My GF (32F) and I (30M) have been having issues with intimacy as she had barely any sexual education nor experience (never had sex). Making her be ashamed of that and a hard topic to communicate about. After 8 months together now, she revealed more about it.
It turned out to be a lack of sex ed, and a very strict household she grew up in (especially around sexuality etc). She told me she masturbated for the first time in her life at 29. And that she had hard moments with her (short-lived) ex BFs, because interactions get too fast for her or become inexistant. She also told me about is that she doesn’t remeber a thing about her whole life before being 16-17. Except some recollections from pictures, family etc. And that she might had a traumatic event that contributed to her sexual deafness.
I also never had P-in-V sex myself, but I have much more libido and more “experience” than her (even if very limited). So this is also an anxiety-inducing topic for me too, that’s why I always try to take things slow, but there are times where I take things too personally, thinking she doesn’t want me, or she might be asexual and hiding it, which is the root cause of our problems.
All of that being said, I struggle with her inconsistent libido levels, and desire patterns. Sometimes she’s all in to make me a handjob, which I started to hate, because it’s becoming the surrogate for intimacy, kinda getting away with sexy-time. And I started to refuse those. And most of the time she isn’t receptive at ALL to anything, even avoidant of finding ourselves in situations that might lead to sex (when we get out she insists we stay outside until late, to sleep directly). Only once in a while (like once every 1.5/2 months we get to enjoy touching each other or griding on one another). I always put myself naked and all, but she barely wants to. And never wanted to remove her underwear (shame issues etc).
Sooo, as I love her, and want her, and would love to build a life with her, I can’t find the right way to help us improve that. I know for a fact she isn’t very cooperative with talks about it. She would do some effort and initiative when we talk, then if not, things completely stall. She doesn’t have money for therapy. She isn’t willing to try things, read books or discuss things beforehand, as it’s a hard topic for her. Given all of that I want to have a clear plan to lay out for her, taking the initiative and making it easier for her.
I know if that becomes such a burden for me and if things get to spiral to absolute absence of a sexual life I wouldn’t last long in the relationship unfortunately. I still want to improve things.
What should I do to help us make this work?
TL;DR: GF has shame issues with sex and intimacy, and it’s becoming hard for both of us to navigate this, as it makes me anxious.