Do I stay or cut my losses?
TL/DR
– BF still talks to Ex Gf
– BF still smokes w$&d
– I want a baby and family which he said he wants to but he’s done nothing on his behalf to try and workout why we aren’t pregnant, 2 years later
– I’ve had the blood work and psmr done and got the all clear from my dr and gynaecologist
– Lies, Fights and lack of validation
I 34F have been with my bf 35M)for 5 years.
Things were great until 3 years ago when I made it very clear that I wanted atleast 1 child by 35. He agreed and we both made promises to get better financially (savings and get rid of debts), work on ourselves – fitness and mental health, slow down and eventually stop partying and going to raves (within the year), and overall take steps towards building a family.
He smokes weed daily and this was the biggest promise he made- to stop smoking w$&d.
2 years ago I had my IUD removed so we could get the ball rolling for trying for a baby. I had my blood tests done and p-sMear to make sure everything was in order and I got the all clear.
After a year of trying, nothing has happened.
He hasn’t stopped w$&d, but he tells me weekly that he will- at this time, it was because he was struggling mentally, which I said I understood and he should seek counselling, which he said he would.
I also suggested he get a sprm count so we can try and eliminate all possibilities of why we’re not pregnant yet.
He says every other month that he will quit w$&d and get the sprmcount done and hasn’t.
We are now 2 years into trying and still nothing has happened- the w$&d continues and he still hasn’t seen a counsellor or had a sprm count done and every time I bring it up, he says he now needs the w$&d for his epilepsy ( which he was diagnosed with a year ago).
I reminded him that he really shouldn’t be on any dr!?gs at all, as per his Drs and his neurological professor as he has mental illness issues as well.
This has caused a huge friction in our relationship and many, many arguments have been had, because I’m feeling so resentful and angry that, every other week he promises to stop the w$&d and get a sprm count done and see a counsellor and he hasn’t.
On top of this, I asked him 3 years ago to stop speaking to his ex because she keeps asking him about their past and “do you ever think of what it would be like if we were still together?” And I told him this was disrespectful to me and our relationship.
I just found out 4 weeks ago that he still talks to her, even though he never initiates the conversation, he doesn’t ignore it either and responds every time. ( I needed to find his bosses number after he went to a rave, had dr@gs and ended up having 3 full body seizures which he’s never had before, and ended up in hospital, and I saw the messages of him chatting to her the night before.)
He swears up and down that THAT was an eye opener and he’s truly sorry and he’s blocked and deleted her and he wants to focus on me and our future. ( he’s also said this multiple times over 3 years and I found out time and time again it was a lie.)
Also come to find out, he got a number from a girl at the petrol station and she’s been venting to him about her relationship and he about ours. ( another conversation that isn’t anything sexual or otherwise, but the thought of him venting about our relationship to a complete stranger who felt comfortable to give her number and he didn’t tell me at all until a week later made me really upset as it all coincided with him still talking to his ex).
He has no idea why I’m so upset about this; the w$&d, the sprm count, the lack of sex in general, random girls number, his ex and when I express how much he’s hurting me, he takes the “ well find better. You deserve better than me” route and just hides away from me in the house ( we live together ).
We can never have a discussion about anything at all without him turning it into how he’s the victim and feeling attacked, and all I’m bringing forward is how he’s hurting me, complete with examples and screenshots and why it’s not ok. He’s in turn told me the following;
“You’ve got mental health problems because you’re not right in the head and you’re abusive and your behaviour is abusive”
“ get meds because you clearly need it! You can’t keep blaming everything on me! You’re a problem too!”
I stopped partying 3 years ago.
I started going to the gym again to get fit and healthy
I’m watching what I eat and being more mindful of my surroundings so I’m in a good place mentally
I feel so defeated, 3 years on, that I’m resentful, I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m on antidepressants and I’m seeing a psychologist and he still hasn’t done anything he promised he would.
It’s gotten to the point where my family hates our relationship, my best friend thinks he’s a joke and is wasting my time and taking me for granted and none of my friends want to be around me because of how he treats me ( “he’s very aggressive the way he speaks to you. Always making out like you’re dragging him around or nagging him or always on his case … he doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want to…. It’s hard to hang out with you and watch him treat you the way he does”.)
Worst of all, he interfered with my work ( disconnected the internet and berated me and my work colleague heard it all) and my work has now listed me as “in a domestic abse” situation and I’ve been interviewed by HR.
At the same time he started a new job and while he’s bragging about how wonderful his job is, he’s completely ignorant to how he’s ruined mine and my reputation.
I guess the answers are all in front of me on what to do: Do I bother trying to believe that maybe one day his “magical promises” might come true or cut my losses while I still can.
I still love him, and I still want the family we both dreamed of!
It feels like I’m the only one invested and I pushing someone to change when his actions proved he was never going to.
Am I overthinking this? Am I hoping on a dream that will never happen? Am I fooling myself? Do I need to change?