For more context, we used to see each other more than once a week before the pandemic. But the pandemic has made his mental stamina very low to the point that any effort to even drive 15 mins to my place is a lot. I’ve offered to drive to his place but he doesn’t let me in his place because he said it’s not clean. I feel like he has the label of my boyfriend without actually showing up and being present as my boyfriend. I love him a lot but I feel he’s not boyfriend material.
Additionally the conversation came up about how he spends a lot of time texting his coworkers, and I asked if I could see and he gave me his phone and though I did see a group message with his coworkers (2 female & 2 male) but he also had 1-1 texts with each of the female coworkers. I thought this was odd that he didn’t have the 1-1 texts with either of the male coworkers. And I clicked on one of the private 1-1 chats with one of the females and noticed they had been texting daily for almost months. Some of the texts seemed to have undertones of flirting like lots of laughs and him even saying to her “I love the way you use emojis”
… and so I told him this gives me bad vibes but he said that he doesn’t think there is any potential for romantic chemistry there.
I’ve been feeling very insecure because of these factors and I’m not sure what to do. Deep down I feel I deserve to be prioritized more but I’m so in love that it’s hard to walk away.
tl;dr- bf doesn’t prioritize me and talks daily with another woman. But I love him deeply.
9 comments
Why do you love someone “deeply” that doesn’t prioritize you? You DO deserve more and if you’re unhappy in this relationship then end it.
What he wants out of this relationship is seeing you once a week. You want more. Are you ok with things not changing?
The female coworker stuff, idk, he showed you his phone so it seems like there’s nothing *much* there. To me that isn’t the important part, the important part is that he’s not working 24/7 and unable to see you, he’s *choosing* to only see you once a week despite having free time.
Idk, if I were you, after 3 years, I’d want a LOT more, and would be in ultimatum territory, preparing for the relationship to be over.
I’m not even sure what good a ultimatum would be. If you have to threaten someone into spending more time (after 3 years no less), what’s the point really?
Once a week is enough for him.
Honestly that would simply be far to little contact for me – something else would have to give or the relationship would have run it’s course. No disrespect to those who run their relationships differently, whether by circumstance or by choice, but maintaining an intimate relationship for me requires regular contact time.
Once a week wouldn’t be enough for me, that’s for sure.
I hope you know that him texting somebody and physically seeing you aren’t even remotely close
But if he isn’t meeting your needs and isn’t making any effort to change that even after you told him what do you think the solution is
I’m someone with very low social energy in general and especially since the pandemic, so I get where your boyfriend is coming from. But, for me, a big sign of compatibility and a good, healthy relationship (romantic or non-romantic) is specifically that they take less mental energy to spend time with. It seems likely that this relationship isn’t working for him, and it’s totally fair that that means it isn’t really working for you. If you think it’s worth trying to save, getting to the bottom of why he doesn’t feel comfortable around you to the point that it’s almost like being alone even after years is probably the question to start asking.
As for the phone stuff, I don’t know. Doesn’t seem at all related, except that your needs aren’t being met, and might be looking for reasons to leave that are more firmly his “fault” then that your time together was more draining that it was nourishing for him. Maybe his texts were inappropriate, but that’s hard to say without understanding a lot more about the people, how they usually talk, and what the feelings involved are. Just “he’s closer with his female work friends than male work friends” isn’t a gotcha on its own.
Does he not text you daily? Texting someone is a lot different than having the energy for in person interaction. There’s seriously nothing wrong with him having friends he texts every day, people are allowed to have friends and since he showed you his phone he’s obviously not hiding anything.
Some people are super introverted. I’m super introverted and honestly it would be my ideal relationship to only see the person like once a week. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not committed to you or doesn’t love you. But it’s understandable that most people would prefer a relationship where they see each other more often. So you have a right to break up with him if you’re not okay with the amount of interaction he’s comfortable with. This is probably just who he is, you can accept it and stay with him or decide it’s a dealbreaker for you and move on.
Driving 15 minutes to your place is too much effort?
This guy does not actually want to be in a relationship with you. The flirting with coworkers is low-effort and gives him a dopamine rush, whereas you are a person who actually expects him to put real effort into the relationship.
Just end it.