Yesterday my ex from 2021 wrote a lovely introspective about our breakup. It was a long message, but essentially said that when I was reciprocating his effort every step of the way, he began to try to max out his life and was envisioning every other partner out there that might be a better match. That I was encouraging and adored him so much that maybe, he thought, that he could do better. But that he’s ashamed of thinking that and he’s sorry for breaking up with me out of the blue and I had deserved better. Thankfully, he left it at saying he’d always think I’m a tremendous and attractive human, without trying to get back together. I think I would have cut him as a friend if he had asked about that possibility.
It wasn’t surprising though because he’s the fourth ex to do this. Which means I’m 4/4 out of all my exboyfriends coming back months or years later saying they were blind to how good we had it. They admit they were still looking toward greener pastures. That they shouldn’t have because I’m so sweet, so smart, so affectionate, so cute, so sexy, so good at communication, so logical, so easy to resolve conflict with, so… everything lined up with their checkbox of what they want (but how does that make sense? They left because they wanted more so I’m not everything they wanted). 3 out of 4 have attempted to rekindle and give the relationship another try.
I’ve asked them about any blindspots I might have had, and they say that I was great through and through along with the relationship we had. That they wouldn’t change a thing about me, except one joked it would be nice if I were an heiress, and another that said he had lied about his feelings on family planning and actually struggled with the idea of meeting my kids and becoming a stepdad but was ready now. I appreciated the candor from him and we tried again, but I ultimately didn’t feel like he really wanted to date me and was settling. He was talking about engagement and delaying proposing and then fully back to being uncertain.
So I’ve learned that you should never go back to an ex. It’ll only cause you pain. So that’s not an issue or anything I need to learn.
However, how do I stop dating men who don’t appreciate what they have and are going to breakup with me even when the relationship is going well? Or how can I combat their growing feeling that really good isn’t enough?
And because it’s reddit, I feel like I need to include that I’m not chasing the top 10%. I swipe on guys based on the bio they’ve written.
I’ve dated a range of everything. I’ve been down to date people as long as they’ve been kind, respectful, and share some of my mostly nerdy interests/hobbies. Men who are ambitious/chill, older/younger, attractive/not attractive (but attractive in my subjective view), paycheck to paycheck or have retirement all figured out , single dads/divorced/never married/never dated before because of social anxiety, shy/gregorious — and you get the idea.
Even if I were stuck on someone ideal to my specifications for shallow traits it’s still realistic: They’d be the type that enjoys food a little too much and would be fun to go to the gym with, so they’re mostly healthy, strong, but also has a bit of a gut. Great eyes and a warm smile. I love short guys and anyone in a range around 5’3″ is perfect. But height is only a preference and I’ve dated tall too. I’m happy dating outside my ideal as long as they’re kind, respectful, and gentle.
Then the second issue, attracting creeps. I spent a year intentionally single because I felt emotionally unavailable. I hopped back into dating apps in earnest starting in January and was fine until April. April/May has been unreal. It’s completely worse than anything I’ve encountered before. I’ve never dealt with anything too creepy or severe sexual harassment before, but it’s everywhere I go now.
-First dates have groped me after I said no.
-Flashed their penis and rubbed it on me while in public. (Police report submitted)
-Pressured me for sex right away and this guy, a salesman by trade, was not accepting no for an answer, so I said I would next date but couldn’t go to his place that night – just to get away. But messaged him after and told him that I had lied to get away, wrote 100 no’s and 1 yes doesn’t mean yes, and blocked him.
-I found out another was a sex offender who was convicted of digital voyeurism of a kid under 14 (and preferred Stars Wars over Star Trek, doubly troubling, just kidding 😜)
-Another man anonymously called my work, could have been a prior date or completely random, and the recording of that could be used as the start of a horror film. He wouldn’t tell me who he was, but acted like he knew who I was, and then lewdly asked about my bathroom usage…
-A guy I had barely met, but was not a date with nor interested in, must have hid my phone, then sent me to grab something, got into my phone, I caught him, and listened to him justify that he liked me and just needed to know what kind of person I was before getting attached. I just said it wasn’t going to happen and left. He ended up sort of stalking me for a few days before mutual friends out the kibosh on him.
I’m sick of it. I’ve never felt unsafe meeting people in public, I figured public places were enough protection until this month.
I don’t know what I’m doing differently to suddenly be preyed on by a bunch of creeps. I think I’m acting like I always have, but I have gained weight and maybe that’s why? But why only now and not in January? Is it all coincidental?