[Link to the original post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1csuyby/my_25m_girlfriend_23f_has_been_weird_since_having/), TL;DR for the OP: My non-Jewish girlfriend came to my family’s seder and my parents overexplained all the Jewish concepts, and then she seemed more distant but wouldn’t discuss it with me.
It’s been a weird fucking week, so I apologize if this isn’t the most coherent update.
After I posted I really appreciated the advice noting that I might be making some assumptions about what was upsetting my gf, “Lily,” so I asked her if we could talk and that I just wanted to be open with each other. She agreed to meet up on Friday after work, when we normally would anyway for a date.
So I made a nice meal for her at my apartment, her favorite thing that I cook (this creamy, lemony pasta dish) and then afterwards I tried to just kind of have this open-ended conversation about what I noticed (e.g. how she’s been more distant) and was there something wrong? She was really hesitant, just looking kind of nervous, and then she just kind of blurted out that the seder made her uncomfortable.
Okay, so that’s what I thought, right? So I figure, okay, let’s talk this through. It turns out that while she knew I was Jewish, she didn’t think I was “so Jewy” until she came to the seder. I cringed and told her that the word “Jewy” was inappropriate and she did *not* like me saying that.
There’s a part of the Passover seder where we say “next year in Jerusalem,” just like a kind of hopeful attitude in light of the Jewish diaspora, I think? Anyway, she said that she found that part really inappropriate given the current war in Gaza. I told her that those things were not connected; my family has no real connection to Israel and the seder is a hundreds (maybe thousands?) years old tradition that long predates the modern state of Israel. She didn’t seem to care about that.
So, I finally asked her if she had a problem being in a relationship with me given my Jewishness. She emphatically stated that no, she loves me. But it was a shock and she “needs time.” That really threw me though, and I asked her what she needs time for, but she didn’t have a real answer.
So I went to my parents for the weekend to just kind of get away, since I wasn’t sure what all this meant. While I was gone, I got an alert on my phone that an AirTag was following me. I found it hidden in my car. I called Lily and she denied it was hers but I was pretty sure she was lying since she’s not a good liar. Finally she admitted she was trying to see where I was going and if it was to the TEMPLE?!? I honestly haven’t been inside a temple since my Bar Mitzvah almost 13 years ago.
Anyway, it should go without saying that I ended it. I blocked her on everything. I destroyed her AirTag, too. No clue what the fuck is wrong with her, but… it feels antisemitic, I guess. Wish I had a happier update. I thought she was the one, but fuck me I guess.
TL;DR My girlfriend made some vaguely antisemitic comments and tried to track me to see if I was going to a synagogue, so I ended it.
35 comments
Thanks for the update, that sounds awful and I’m so fucking glad you ended it! You dodge a bullet.
What the actual fuck?! Congrats on dodging a bullet. Keep your eyes open for other signs of potential stalking. That AirTag would give me a lot of pause.
That’s insane. I’m sorry this happened to you OP.
I *knew* it. I absolutely fking knew it. You dodged a massive bullet. She is effed in the head in more ways than one. You deserve and will find better.
I cringed sooooo hard at the “so Jewy” comment (ngl, it even felt wrong to type that out). And to get upset when you point out that’s inappropriate language? I’m so sorry she turned out to be such a whackadoo.
That’s fucking crazy. Your family traditions have literally no bearing on the politics of Israel and Palestine. Good on you for blocking her and destroying that air tag.
Low key mad at her because a Passover seder is such a cool experience if you’re not Jewish. I went to a friend’s several years ago and had a wonderful time and learned so much.
Wow! This is pretty insane and dishonest. Seems like she has a lack of communication skills. And yes, you dodged a bullet. This is a total lack of respect for both you and your traditions.
I would hope that we can have mature compassionate conversations about Israel and Gaza without the blatant antisemetism that denies that Jews have a historic connection to Israel. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people can’t do that, but we aren’t going to have peace by denying reality. There’s a reason why that phrase is in the Haggadah, why we pray facing Jerusalem, and why every prayer services includes prayers for peace (and rain! and a good harvest!) in Israel.
Antisemitism is on the rise, sorry this happened to you man. Ultimately you should try to see this as a positive because she seems like a complete weirdo.
Me lowkey wanting to hear more about this lemon pasta …
Yikes saying “jewy” to your Jewish boyfriend. The cheek on these antisemites!
Wow, what a rollercoaster of a week you’ve had. First off, kudos to you for trying to approach the situation with an open mind and a willingness to communicate. It’s clear you put in a lot of effort to understand what was bothering Lily and to address it in a respectful manner.
It’s really unfortunate that her discomfort with the seder turned into something so invasive and, frankly, disturbing. The fact that she planted an AirTag in your car to track you is a massive breach of trust and privacy. It’s one thing to have cultural misunderstandings or discomforts, but it’s another thing entirely to resort to such extreme measures.
Her comments and actions do seem to have an undercurrent of antisemitism, whether she realizes it or not. It’s troubling that she couldn’t separate your family’s traditions and cultural practices from her own biases and misconceptions. The “next year in Jerusalem” part of the seder is a deeply rooted tradition that has nothing to do with modern political conflicts, and it’s sad that she couldn’t see past her own prejudices to understand that.
Ending the relationship was probably the best decision you could have made. Trust and respect are foundational to any relationship, and it sounds like both were severely compromised here. It’s better to find out now rather than later that she had these issues, even though it must be incredibly painful.
Take some time for yourself to process everything. Lean on your friends and family for support, and remember that you deserve someone who respects you and your cultural background. It’s a tough break, but it’s also a chance to find someone who truly appreciates all of who you are.
Hang in there. Better days are ahead.
I grew up next door to a Jewish family and was invited to their holidays all the time. I cannot comprehend what would have made her uncomfortable.
You’re right that this is antisemitism. It’s possible that she’s feeling confused because of what’s going on in gaza and all of the adjacent political movements. It depends on how comfortable you are educating her, and if you’ll trust her after the air tagging to see if you were going to a temple. There’s nothing wrong with practicing your religion. I would cut my losses here.
This is AWFUL?????? I’m sorry this happened but SO glad you dodged that bullet.
I’d just like to echo the idea that you should tell your friends the truth. If one of my friends discovered someone in our circle was this bigoted, I would want to know so I could IMMEDIATELY cut contact.
I’m fully sympathetic to what’s happening to Palestinians right now (and for the last couple decades) and I went to a Jewish friend’s seder recently. I’m always honored to be included in their family’s seder and I love the traditions even though I am in no way Jewish myself. My friend adapted their seder to acknowledge the plight of the Palestinian people and pray for them. It can be done.
I understand why your gf might have been bothered because what the extreme Zionists and the IDF are doing is horrific. The air tag is weird and concerning. Does she have reason to think you are becoming an extremist Zionist or something?
This is unhinged and weird plus a little creepy. You dodged a bullet
Wow. I’m glad you took her tracking you as seriously as you did.
Whoa. I was reading this and thinking “someone’s gonna state the obvious that one can support a friend’s Jewish faith and find what is happening in the Gaza Strip awful” but…nah. Not necessary. AirTag was enough.
i wonder if people saying that she just wasn’t comfortable with any religion are actually reading the post.
for those people, i feel like it’s important to note that many nonpracticing jews celebrate pesach and have seders (and many other jewish holidays). the connection to israel has to do with actual history and DNA, not (just) religion. and of course judaism is an ethnoreligion; you can be jewish without being religious at all.
Yah hah sorry for your loss
Jew to jew who hasn’t been in a temple since I was 8? Maybe?
Vibes
But about this pasta? You make it? Got recipe? Got an auntie?
You’re part of a centuries-spanning diaspora, and our shared cultural longing to return to our ancestral home seems “inappropriate” to her. You shouldn’t have to apologize to it. Your family is not “disconnected” from Jerusalem, it is home to the holiest site in your religion. It’s deeply important to your People, even if you are secular. It’s what binds us together, it’s part of what defines us as Jews.
She knew you were “Jewish,” but she didn’t know you were “Jewy,” and she feared you went to temple. This is antisemitism. She’s OK with Jews as long as they’re the “good” kind. It’s good that you found this out before things went too far.
It absolutely was antisemitic. I’m proud of you for reading the room and ending it. You deserve better.
OP I just want to give you some perspective as someone (catholic girl) who recently went to my first Passover with my boyfriend.
In short- I loved it and had a great time. I appreciated his family members who made an effort to explain things to me. I thought the ‘tradition’ of the whole thing was awesome. The food was amazing. And I can’t wait to go next year with him.
Your ex-girlfriend is an idiot and definitely prejudiced, you absolutely made the right call breaking up with her even if it weren’t for the AirTag.
You did the right thing when you ended it. She’s giving antisemitic vibes.
Who wants to bet “Lily” is on tiktok all day long? Good riddance.
I’m sorry about your horrible ex, but can you tell me more about this pasta?
But seriously- at least you found out now and not after getting married or something.
Oh my god. I’m so sorry, OP, but so glad you dodged that gross bullet.
Jaw DROPPED at her secretly tracking you to see if you went to THE TEMPLE. I’ve heard of secret tracking to determine cheating or substance abuse, and in some of those cases it’s warranted. This is not one of those cases. What is wrong with that woman! Wow. I’m so happy to hear you ended it right then and there.
I saw you ask in another comment what you’ll say to your friends. Tell them exactly what she said and did. She does NOT get a pass on this from you or them. Plus you can guarantee she’s already twisting the story to make herself sound less evil… so I’d really make sure your whole side of the story is out there. Pretty sure she’ll leave out “Jewy”… which… just, wow. I can’t with her.
It feels antisemitic because it was. She was ok with you being Jewish only as long as you suppressed it and she never had to see it. Having a serious interfaith relationship is very hard, both partners need to be on the same page. There is so much more than just worship, culture, foods, holidays, even the overall rhythm of the calendar is not the same. One partner can easily feel like a large part of their idea Titus has disappeared.
It’s certainly a difficult time to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand what Judaism is, and how religion and ‘state’ are separate.
That said? To say the 2 things aren’t connected isn’t entirely accurate either. You celebrate that land as your home land (which I obviously have no issue with) … you can’t really disavow all connection with it when the timing is bad. It may not have been a connection to you all this time, but it is connected. Words matter.
That state was built on the religion you were celebrating. I know that doesn’t mean you support what’s happening their entirely of course. But unfortunately I think you have to acknowledge it – particularly if you’re inviting a new comer in to your celebrations and traditions. Though I’m guessing she didn’t engage with much political discussion before all of this.
That said: She went INCREDIBLY far overboard of course! She didn’t communicate until pressed, and then covertly tried to track you. Red flags all over the place for sure. Ending it was entirely the right thing to do!
Sympathies mate.
Solidarity❤️ I ultimately broke up w my non-Jewish ex bf bc I was too Jewish for him
I’m an ex Christian who seriously considered Reform Judaism years ago and I find this chick offensive and stupid. I’m glad you’re rid of her. And yes, a recipe please.
Oh, man OP, I’m sorry this happened. I wish I had something positive and uplifting to share with you, but all that’s ringing around my brain is “the trash took itself out”. 😐