This is my first post, so I apologize for any formatting errors. This is also a bit long, so please bear with me.
I (45F) recently broke things off with my bf of 6 years David (45M). In the beginning our relationship was great. We had a lot of fun together, although it was usually only things he wanted to do. I was okay with it at the time, I think. I did mention to him several times over the years that I would like to do more of my things, but he either declined or told me to go with a friend because he wasn’t interested.
About 2 years ago we got a job offer from a former manager of ours for a job that was about an hour away from where we were living. It paid more and sounded good. I told David that I would like to go hear their pitch, but that if he didn’t want to make the change we wouldn’t. We toured the new job and he took the offer as did I. We wanted to live closer to work so I began looking for a house to buy. It was difficult to find one that we both liked, but I got lucky and found one that ticked all of our boxes. I checked with him several times to make sure he wanted this place as well. I made an offer and it was accepted. We moved in around Christmas and I was super excited to start this new journey. David did not contribute to the purchase of the house or turning on utilities. He has always made more per hour than I have, but had less disposable income because he was paying child support. I knew this and was fine with it, but I did finance most of our extra activities. Prior to moving into the house, we lived in a trailer park and split the bills 50/50. Once we moved, it was more 60/40 (if that) because, as he said, It’s my house so it’s my problem. I know it’s a red flag I missed.
So he was super unhappy at the new job. He blamed me for leaving that job and moving away from his hometown. He was combative and angry (he never laid a hand on me) which translates to him being really nasty to me. He complained constantly about the job and I told him on multiple occasions to quit, find another job, whatever if he was that unhappy. He did not and continued to take it out on me. After about 6 months, we learned that our previous employer had gone out of business and we would have been screwed if we had stayed. We live in a small town with few job opportunities. He got somewhat better, and then his mother passed in a vehicle accident. I understand the trauma of this, I lost my own mother to an ATV accident about 7 years ago. He reverted back to his previous treatment of me and I made excuses that he was grieving and so on. We weren’t spending a lot of time together outside of work and he always had something negative to say.
About a year ago, we had The Fight. I’m in college (while working full time) and had gone to a friend’s house with my oldest son, 23M, to get help with some classwork. David was with his daughter, 20F, and her family. He was drinking (a VERY common occurrence) and was convinced I was out somewhere cheating on him. I was in the middle of writing a paper and he started blowing up my phone. I asked my friend to answer so I could finfish the paragraph and he wouldn’t think I was ignoring him. She answered, he blew up. I got upset and told him I wasn’t doing this with him and hung up and put my phone on silent. I finished my work and was going home, even though my friend begged me to stay with her. I thought I have my son with me, everything will be fine. I got home and he wasn’t there so I went to bed. He came in a few hours later drunk off his ass, yelling, slamming doors, and throwing things. I am an abuse and assault survivor and I have PTSD. He knows this and we have discussed many times over the years how this can affect me emotionally. I shut down emotionally and get really calm. He’s yelling and getting more irate because I’m not responding in the way he wants (screaming and yelling back). I looked at him and told him to get out of my house, and I was done. He continues yelling, slamming doors, and throwing things. This went on for a while before he calmed down. He asked if he could stay the night since it was late and have his daughter get him in the morning. I agreed.
The next day he apologizes. He loves me. He didn’t mean to act that way. He just got so upset. He gets stuck in his own head and goes down a death spiral because all the women in his life have treated him so badly. I love him, and I feel guilty, and am mostly convinced the whole damn thing is my fault to begin with. I told him he could stay but that I was done if this type of behavior ever happened again. He said he understood.
2 weeks ago, we had The Second Fight. This one was all about money. He felt that he was giving me too much and that I was using all of his money for bills so that I would have more and I wouldn’t be broke all the time. His child support stopped over a year ago and he does make more than me. The bills were still around 60/40. I had tried to discuss the bills (what they were, how much they are) on multiple occasions and he always said it was my problem and to just let him know what his part was. Anyway, he’s screaming and slamming doors the same as before. This time he parks himself in the garage to do his drinking. This was on a Wednesday and we had work the next day. He said he wasn’t going to work that he was just going to drink until he didn’t want to anymore. Fine, whatever. I went to bed. He texted me all night (from the garage) to hurl insults and make accusations. I got about 2 hours of sleep and went to work. He’s on the front porch when I get home and he follows me in the house. He asks me to sit and talk with him and I do. He spends a good 10 minutes telling me how him blowing up was my fault and not one apology. He then asked me how do we fix this. I told him I was done. That I didn’t want to live like this anymore, and that I had warned him this would happen if he did this again.
He called his daughter to come get him and threw some of his things in a bag and left. For the last 2 weeks it’s been a barrage of: I love you. I can’t live without you. You gave up on us. You quit when I needed you. You were supposed to love me for who I am through the good times and bad. He didn’t realize how badly he’d been acting and he’s getting help. On and on, over and over. He’s found a reason to come to the house almost every day. He misses his dog, he needs this, he needs that, he needs to do something in the garage, the lawn needs mowing. I have told him multiple times I’m not taking him back. That this relationship is not something I am interested in saving. That we both need to work on ourselves. I sit with him while he rehashes everything over and over again because he says it’s helping him deal with it all. I’m just tired of the whole thing. I don’t feel like I can just cut him off because our families are so close and we’ll see each other at gatherings. How do I get him to move on and accept my decision and boundaries? Or, at the very least, get him to stop sending me messages about how I quit/failed our relationship?