This might be a long one, so I apologize, but I’ve run out of options and just need advice.
Let’s start from the beginning.
My wife and I met 5 years ago. I was not the best person in the room back then and am willing to admit that. I was never abusive physically or anything of the sort, I was just an ass hole most times. Quick to anger, yell every now and then, etc. just someone who hadn’t grown up, who hadn’t gone to therapy for my trauma, hadn’t worked on myself, you name it. Basically just kind of existing in complacency. Luckily, my wife stuck with me through it because she saw my potential. Over the course of 3-4 years, I have become a much better person, have made a complete 180 in how I react to situations, how I act towards people, etc. to the point that I’m now a boss at my job, and treat my employees like Ted Lasso would if he was a mid western blue collar guy.
I’m not perfect. I still have my moments every now and then. So I want to preface with the fact I’ve made a lot of improvements and am a much better human BECAUSE OF HER.
With that out of the way, here’s the problem. I’m the only one who has grown in these 4 years. I’m running into an issue where I approach her about something that irritates me, annoys me, upsets me, hurts me, etc, in a respectful way, and do my best to be empathetic during it as well. It has become a cycle over the past year and a half where I’m calm and cool and collected and understanding for about 3 or 4 months, and then I’ve reached my limit, I yell, and she listened and does better for a couple months and then when month 3 or 4 hits, it happens again. She’s not listening to me about the issues I’ve been having with the things she’s doing and what I need her to improve on, even when I’m being calm and gentle and understanding. She only seems to listen if I yell, and it’s exhausting because I don’t want to be like that but I feel like it’s a cycle that’s never ending. I gave her an ultimatum tonight that if we are still in this same cycle a year from now, that I would have to leave for my mental health. It’s always her way or the highway, including on how to be a parent. It’s exhausting, aggravating, and honestly feels neglectful towards me enough that tonight I labeled it as abuse. I feel like I’m here to please her, to support her, and just be there. I don’t feel like a “partner,” I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel the same amount of love given to me as I give to her, I don’t feel like I’m being taken seriously, and I don’t feel like she’s putting in the same effort that I have.
What do I do?
Am I being over sensitive?
Am i wrong?