Hey there everyone. Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for 6 months.
I’ll start off by admitting I’m a very affectionate person. I love cuddles and kisses, as physical touch is my love language. However I also enjoy making my fiancé coffee and lunches and chatting with him about his day. I tell my fiancé that I love him, that he’s handsome and sweet. In my opinion, this is a very normal way of showing your significant other that you care about them.
In the beginning of our relationship, he loved my affection. However, a little over a year ago, I noticed my then boyfriend beginning to pull away from me. He seemed agitated by my affection and would never initiate. He also began saying things like “stop fucking asking me that” or “I couldn’t be bothered with this right now” when I would ask him about his day. I asked him quite a few times if things were alright between us and he insisted they were. I began to believe I was making things up in my head regarding his cold behavior.
He proposed and things improved for about a week, however they quickly took a nose dive once again. A few months ago, after I confronted him one last time, my fiancé admitted that things were not alright.
He told me that my affection aggravated him. My kisses, hugs, and cuddles make him angry. He hated when I “pestered” him about his day or how he slept and he wishes I would just leave him alone. He doesn’t like when I cook for him or brew his morning coffee, because he is “not a child” (mind you I didn’t do this every day. Just sometimes). He even said he was struggling to feel attracted to me because of all this.
“Just leave me the fuck alone” is what he wanted
To say this cut me deeply is putting it lightly. I felt fucking crushed. Knowing that I wasn’t crazy all along, that his looks of contempt when I snuggled close to him were real, broke my heart.
He asked me to stop these behaviors.
I spent a few weeks processing. I would sit in my car and cry alone, letting it all out before entering the house after work.
Then I decided to do what he asked of me. I no longer hug or kiss my fiancé. I don’t cuddle close to him at night. I don’t ask about his day. I don’t make his coffee or lunch. And I don’t tell him I love him.
Within 24 hours of this, my fiancé was repeatedly asking me what was wrong. I insisted nothing was wrong at all and continued on. In the last few weeks I joined a new yoga studio and started leaving the house early in the morning. I also visit my mother and girlfriends more often.
My fiancé has begun chasing me around and is fawning on me, giving me his credit card to buy myself gifts and initiating sex frequently. I have sex with him, but I’m not passionate. He will sometimes sadly ask “where’s my coffee?” Or “where’s my lunch?”
Yesterday he told me I’m like a completely different person and he doesn’t understand why I’m being so cold to him. I told him I’m simply doing what he asked. He said “this isn’t what I meant” and started crying and asking if I was going to leave him
I told him no, not right now. Then he insisted he would go to therapy and work on his affection issues, but he doesn’t want me behaving like this anymore
The thing is, I don’t want to go back to the way I was. I don’t feel for him the way I once did. I don’t want to hug and kiss him. I don’t want to make his coffee. I like focusing on myself.
However, I do think he is a good person and I would like for this relationship to work. Things were fantastic for the first 3 years of our relationship and I don’t necessarily want to throw it away
So, do I keep up my frigid behavior or do I return to my lovey dovey self- despite that not begging genuine?
TLDR: Fiancé told me that my affection agitates him, so I complied and stopped being affectionate. He now wants my affection back and says I’m like a different person.