My husband (32M) and I (34F) have been married for almost 3 years. He has an ex wife and they were high school sweethearts.For obvious reasons, we’re going to call her Jolene.
So I’ve got 2 step kids and they’re really sweet! They even call me “mama-[my name]” (like if my name were Ann, it would be Mama-Ann)
I had a boyfriend before him and they met at one point. We ran into him at target and all was fine I was just like “oh uh hey.” And they said what’s up and nothing was weird.
When Jolene is over it’s awkward. She’s always looking at me weird and makes smart ass comments but to keep the peace I just pretend I don’t hear.
My stepsons birthday was on Friday. Jolene was over if course and I couldn’t help but take it personal when she handed me her phone and then sat next to my husband and stepson and asked me to take their picture. Which I smiled and did. Then she said “let’s get the whole family!” And then I assumed I was apart of that and she kind of looked at me weird and said “oh…uh… how about one with and without [my name]”
It hurt, but it is what it is.
Then later that night she kissed his cheek and I was super jealous I’ll admit but I understand they probably still love each other because they have kids and husband probably thought it was like a friendly kids. Then she did it again and looked at me and winked and I wanted to beat the shit out of her but took a deep breath and calmed down.
She saw I was trying not to show I was angry and then said something like “don’t worry I’ll get my husband back soon enough” and I pretended I didn’t hear.
I talked to my husband about it that night and was so angry I was shaking and he said calm down and she’s just starting shit and he’ll have a talk with her, and tell her that’s not ok, but it’s now Monday and he hasn’t talked to her.
Idk what to do, keep nagging to him about it? It really has been bothering me and he’s acting like it’s not a huge deal.
48 comments
Um what?!?!?! He absolutely needs to address this. NOW. The absolute AUDACITY of this woman!!!
He needs to tell her that her behavior is completely inappropriate and that you are his wife and you aren’t going anywhere. And then he needs to tell her that she owes you one hell of an apology.
I get it that they have to coparent but Holy 💩! The fact that you managed to not beat her down right there is commendable.
_”For obvious reasons, we’re going to call her Jolene.”_
I’m sorry, this is no laughing matter but I laughed. I hope you understand.
Seriously, though, his ex sounds crazy. That’s probably why they’re divorced. But being crazy makes her more exciting, not less. Also, it sounds like he’s used to not worrying too much about overstepping boundaries until someone gets crazy mad. His ex no doubt obliged him in that regard, that’s what he’s used to. He likes the fact that you don’t pitch fits like she did, but he still tests limits.
Frankly, I don’t think you’re being jealous enough. You would be perfectly justified in not wanting this witch to be in the same place with your husband ever, without you present. You would also be justified in demanding to see every text they exchange. She has said flat out that she’s trying to steal your husband, and appears completely sincere.
He likes the attention. You’ve put your foot down. You’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable. She more than likely put your step son up to the picture fiasco. Your husband has sat by and watched her disrespect you in your own house multiple times. And he tells you to calm down? She will not back down, and if your husband does talk to her she is going to spin it as you being the crazy one.
Unfortunately it sounds like ultimatum time. You need marriage counseling. He is not listening to what you say, he does not respect your feelings, and he is letting his ex play stupid power games with a smile on his face. Either counseling or take yourself out of the equation because a tug of war with an ex wife and a husband who enjoys it is not what you signed up for.
Why did they break up initially?
I hope you make him beg for your forgiveness because he’s enjoying is. There’s no way he would let you go through this if he didn’t.
No waiting. He needs to handle this today. If he waits it’s a really bad move and gives the EX more fuel for her fire. Again he handles it right now.
He really really needs to address this as soon as possible. By allowing her to continue to act this way without addressing it he’s encouraging her behavior. He needs to put his foot down and stand up for your marriage.
This would be extreme if yall were dating for 3 months…..but you’ve been MARRIED for THREE YEARS?! As a husband, if I were him, she would have been thrown out of the house like Jazz on Fresh Prince. The disrespect in YOUR home is ridiculous but your Husband acting unphased is almost worse imo. I’d tell him that she can have him back bc he isn’t addressing her EGREGIOUS behavior.
Your husband is the main problem here, not just Jolene. Jolene is doing these things because your husband is allowing her to. Give the husband an ultimatum because just nagging won’t work. He is quite frankly enjoying you being angry over this, enjoying that he is still desired by his ex-wife and basically likes the attention at the expense of your mental well-being.
Your husband needs to handle her shit or he can directly go back to her.
This is your home too. If he doesn’t do anything, I wouldn’t allow her in your house till she shows some respect.
That’s unfortunate. I’m a remarried dad/stepdad/husband and my ex-wife wanted to reconcile at one point.
It’s hard from him to complete control her because she can be pretty inappropriate and there’s not a whole lot he can do. But her behavior is just as bad as if the roles were reversed and he was pinching her ass and making crude remarks.
If my ex were behaving this way, I’d just tell her that these romantic approaches are unwelcome and she has to stop.
Your husband doesn’t care about you or how you feel. He allowed his ex to disrespect you in your safe place and casually told you to calm down. And the talk never came?? It is unacceptable. They have kids and need to be civil, that’s all. #DISGUSTINGattitude his ex. I would wait to have a kid with this guy until he can protect you and set boundaries with his ex. Without that, your future is a nightmare and will be unpleasant. What kind of life is that?
I would have called her out in front of everyone. “ lol. Did you just say you were going to win back my husband?” Is there something I need to know?”
I going to assume she did this knowing you weren’t going to say or do anything. Maybe, she is going for your husband, maybe for she’s still in love or maybe she’s jealous and doesn’t want him to move on before herself.
Updateme
So she’s a piece of work, but OP? Your problem is your husband. She doesn’t “of course” need to be there for your stepson’s birthday; it’s totally normal to have separate celebrations in separate households. And when she asks you to step out of the picture, it should be second nature for him to step out as well.
Now you’ve called her behavior out and instead of saying “Yeah she was making me really uncomfortable but I froze; let’s stop spending time with her” his solution is they’ll have a private chat? Like a couple trying to get on the same page before presenting a united front to outsiders?
Fuck that. Marriage counseling or bust; you can’t spend your whole life defending a man from a woman he *wants*.
The AUDACITY!!!!!
Have your ex come over and you fawn all over him and kiss him in front of your husband and see how he likes it. I would be livid. I would tell that woman she is never allowed in my house again and I would let my husband have it for being so weak defending me.
Umm, you don’t have a baby mama problem, you have a husband problem. He allows this disrespect and the boundaries she’s crossing and he’s ok with that? Girl…..
But why did you pretend not to hear? What did you gain by letting her get the best of you?
Tell her she’s no longer welcome and to kick rocks.
Okay, I’m gona swim against the current here a bit. You told your husband, he knows she is going to try (or is just trying to get a rise out of you). Now the ball is in his court.
Your husband is either a cheater or he is not. And if he is a cheater, you cannot watch him 24 hours a day to make sure he never gets the opportunity.
Best thing is to move forward and be the woman that he fell in love with and married.
You have a husband problem as he is enabling her. I would give him a deadline and be on a speaker phone call so you can hear the conversation about his new boundaries. Letting her kiss him in front of the family would be a betrayal in my mind.
Husband needs to address this yesterday. She is no longer coming in the house for exchanges. She can stay on the porch. Separate birthdays and holidays. End this madness. She disrespects you *in your home.*
You aren’t keeping the peace. If you aren’t at peace, there is no peace. Don’t let her walk over you. If she can’t be respectful, she should have no more contact with your husband. They can coparent through an app.
If he isn’t shutting it down immediately, then at the very least he likes the attention, and fuck your feelings.
Tell him that if he doesn’t handle her, you will and that will include divorcing him and airing them both out to everyone 🤷🏽♀️
I would put my foot down that she is not welcomed in your home until she learns to respect you.
If he decides to choose her over you. Then you need to let them be.
I’d never let my ex wife disrespect my wife like this. wtf. we’d be shouting then and there just like we did when we were married.
Your husband is the biggest problem here! Yes, she is starting shit and he needs to SHUT IT DOWN! Can you imagine the shit she is telling the kids? If he doesn’t it’s time for you to shut it down. Next time she says shit start laughing hysterically. And say now that’s funny! Good joke! Tell him the next time she tries to get physical you will make a scene. Ask her to leave your house. If he won’t stop her disrespectful behavior 5en you do it.
Well, my immediate question is, if he’s only 32 and you’ve been married 3 years, when did they divorce? How long between the divorce and you dating, did they divorce?
How old are the kids? Did he establish an independent relationship with them prior to you?
I’ve been married almost 10 years. My husband’s ex still calls him her husband and pretends she’s on the phone with him in front of others. For hours. It’s super weird. He’s told her it’s weird and to stop saying their married. I think she’s pathetic and a compulsive liar. He wouldn’t, even on his most patient day, allow that woman to kiss him even on the cheek. Or take a family picture. She wouldn’t ever be welcome in our home again. All of you can put the kids first without disrespecting you. I’m also strategically vicious with my words and I’d destroy her without her figuring it out until later so there’s that. No one mistakes my kindness for weakness twice.
Grow a spine OP. If your husband is confused about his loyalty you have bigger problems.
OP you remind him once more and tell him if he doesn’t then You have some decisions to make. When he asks you what that means you ask him what does it mean when a persons ex wife looks at his current wife and straight up insults her and their marriage and the husband does nothing, says nothing. Let him know this is twice you have asked nicely. There won’t be a third and that Jolene won’t be back on your property even to drop off and pick up until he stands up and you get an apology and that’s final and won’t be discussed again. There is no excuse for him not lighting her up like a Roman candle. Coparenting is important but you have to grow a pair at some point. !update me
Lord have mercy. I’ve been reading about husbands like this all week.. it’s exhausting to read. I can only imagine how exhausting it is to live with a man who gives that kind of response and credibility to your dismays and grievances.. you need to put your foot down about how serious you consider this disrespect. And also know what path you’re going to take depending on the response you get..
The fact that she feels comfortable enough to say this to you tells me their relationship is too close. Does he like the attention of 2 women fighting over him? They don’t need to be close.
Nah. Got to have separate shit. You No contact with her. Him little as possible. She’s fucked up.
Girl you should have laughed in her face and said bring it, if he still wants you you can have him.
Why would you stand there and let her play in your face? Get your cutting remarks ready for the next time. And if your husband doesn’t put her in her place I’d divorce him.
I think her motive is not to get him back, but to make your life as miserable as she is.
She is clearly unhappy to be single and wants you to join in her misery.
He is likely obtuse to the situation because he’s used to her drama, and she’s probably telling him different things than she is saying to you.
Nevertheless, he needs to stand up and put a stop to the drama.
The sad part is that the kids are caught in the middle. He has to keep a certain level of peace for their sake, but not at the sacrifice of you.
It’s not Jolene problem, it’s husband problem. He sees what’s happening and does nothing. Because he doesn’t want to do anything, he enjoys himself. Or just a coward,choose your option. anyway, whatever you do, don’t have kids with him. You deserve better.
Big fat NO. You need to stand up for yourself especially if your husband isn’t
As a stepmom and wife my husband and I would be having some serious conversations regarding his behavior in terms of his ex.
Sounds like some boundaries and rules are in order
I’m not telling you what to do but I would seriously be reconsidering the whole marriage
I’m pretty sure that you’re Jolene in this situation. Good luck. She sounds awful.
Why in the hell are you allowing this woman to make a fool out of you. She is disrespecting you with your man and rubbing it in your face while you pretend to not hear her. Why are you waiting for your husband to talk to her. He is loving the attention and you’re allowing it. He isn’t going to say shit to her. Put your foot down and stand your ground and put her in her place.
Next time she is over do the exact same… kiss your husband and be ridiculous about it.
“Why are you not saying anything to her about her crappy behaviour. Do you like the attention of two women? Because I don’t feel like I’m a priority to you and that isn’t a healthy marriage.”
By the way, if my husband pulled this shit he’d have to work really hard to even get my attention for awhile. Start going out and being busy.
If you’re not a priority, stop being around for awhile.
To her next time she pulls something: “Do you enjoy making things awkward for your kids?”
Sometimes just STARING at someone when they do something ridiculous works.
If you keep pretending not hearing or seeing what she does to “keep the peace” that’ll cost you your own peace at home. Stand up for yourself, call her non-sense out. It’s your family and your boundaries now. If she doesn’t know how to act, then she can sit at her own home and not be invited to be around your husband and your family. She can see her kids without your husband being present. Draw a line.
Get your boyfriend to do the exact same thing in front of your husband and he will understand how you feel. Simple as that
Honey, Jolene may be an issue, but YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM. None of this would be happening if he didn’t allow it. Make him fear upsetting you more than he fears upsetting her. Or dump his unworthy ass – you deserve a man who puts you first, not his ex-wife.
Why is she ever in your home? They are divorced, they should be celebrating separately. You have a major husband problem. Maybe you should send him back to her. It doesn’t seem like he fully left her.
A woman at work tried to say she was my husbands ‘Work wife’. I wasn’t even there and I heard from people after the fact how he tore her a new butt hole, telling her she was not anything to him, let alone his “Work Wife’. He only has one wife and that is Iamnoking!
You need to make it clear to your husband that the fact he is not standing up for you IN PUBLIC, means he is not only condoning this behavior, but also condoning that he is fine with her disrespecting you in your own home.
I would honestly pack my bags and let him know you weren’t coming back until he acted like a husband. And if he wasn’t going to be your husband and have your back, then there was no point in being married to him.
Holy crap, you’re a saint. I wouldn’t “nag”, I’d just tell him “listen, every time you allow her to get close to you, she’s taking the space I should have beside you. By giving her that space, you’re telling me where my place is, so don’t be surprised if at one point you push me far away enough for me to not be beside you anymore. Whatever you want to do with that is now your choice, act accordingly”. And then you act accordingly too. This is something he needs to fix for your marriage to work, and it’s not something you should need to push for.
You’re just there to make her jealous. As soon as you get fed up and leave she will fuck him over again. I’m so sorry, but he won’t regret losing you until he does. Don’t waste your time, energy and love on being someone’s second choice. I speak from experience and I am in tears for you.