A new woman I have been getting to know has been slow to talk about her relationship history. She revealed that she’s never been in a relationship and has just begun dating (minus physical romance) a year ago.
It didn’t present as a surprise because she’s been a world traveller and deeply involved in competition for much of her life – she’s an athlete. She’s a very emotional and introspective person which I love, and it appears that she feels rather intensely with all emotions that come up.
Yesterday we had our first date after communicating long distance for 2 months and we have a short trip planned in Europe (we both happen to be travelling in nearby countries at the same time).
Yesterday she slept over, we had kissed and been close but it’s wasn’t an overly sexual connection. I had this loose feeling she may have never had sex before but I wasn’t sure obviously, so I asked her, when we go to Europe soon, would you like to make love? It seemed like an appropriate ask because I was picking up on the general comfort in this area. She replied with a mumbled combo of words and so I said, you haven’t had sex before I’m feeling, to which she replied, no I haven’t. She then said the idea of having sex when we’re travelling is nice, but she may need a bit more time.
I’m not in a rush, I am horny and have casual fwb connections (won’t be partaking with those connections after this date), but I’m willing to abstain while me and this woman build our connection, comfort and trust.
With all this being said, what are some challenges or gifts I could uncover when starting and maintaining a relationship with a person with her experience or lack thereof? Her virginity isn’t guided by religion, she just says she hasn’t been connected to anyone who she wants to share that with yet. As for relationships, I believe her circumstances haven’t really allowed for a certain type of coupling.
TL;DR! My new love interest is non religious and is a virgin / never has been in a relationship before. She’s apprehensive to have sex but interested with me. What challenges or gifts could I uncover in starting and maintaining a relationship with her?
5 comments
Don’t rush it and try to make it as special and gentle for her as you can. But ask her what she wants and follow it to the letter
Just because someone isn’t religious doesn’t mean that they don’t want to save themselves for marriage. From what you described, this woman seems to naturally be very monogamous: she’s very emotional and introspective, she is nearly 30 and still a virgin, she dedicates herself to everything she pursues to the point where it has directly affected her potential love life. If you plan on just sleeping with her like you would any other person you are going to hurt her VERY deeply. It sounds like she is looking for a real connection and the fact that you’re already asking about sex after the first date (even if it’s about a future trip) tells me the two of you are very likely to be incompatible (especially considering you have MULTIPLE FWBs at the moment – you’re nearly opposites when it comes to sexual experiences). I would highly recommend you do some soul searching to figure out what you want out of this relationship cause if it was the same thing as her I highly doubt that it would even phase you that she was a virgin. If you realize that you do want the same thing as her I would be prepared to wait a LONG time for physical intimacy and expect the intimacy when it does happen to be much more about having a connection than physical pleasure
Talk a bit more about the mumbled combo words. It sounds like this woman is very very dedicated to her sports. Things like pregnancies and hormonal protection may have an impact on her fitness, so perhaps avoidance is the best strategy for her.
Writing this here as a F38 virgin: Try to find out a bit more.
Being a virgin doesn’t mean being religious, as you already said, but it also might or might not mean a lot of other things.
Some examples:
– There are virgins out there who are nevertheless very sex-positive. They masturbate, they watch porn and thus, they often have somewhat of an idea of what turns them on and what doesn’t – or things they want to (eventually) try. Their virginity truly is just because they didn’t have the right partner at the right time yet.
– Then there are virgins who have kept their virginity for so long that the idea of sex has become this really scary, big thing in their mind. With “scary”, I don’t just mean being scared of pain (though that can also be true), but more in a way of “I waited for so long now, now I need to make extra-sure I don’t have sex with the wrong person so that the wait wasn’t all for naught”. Someone like that might need a long, long, long time to be ready for sex and trust you completely before it’s an option.
– Then there are virgins who might not even have realized that they are virgins because they are on the asexuality spectrum or, at the very least, very low libido. After all, most people experience the desire to have sex during young adulthood. A lack of that desire might not even be registered as strange when your life is full, but the lack of wish to incorporate it or to make time for it somehow *could* point towards an indifference towards sex in general.
…And many more. Basically, I would say that communication is really big here. She’s obviously not super-comfortable with the topic, but communication is important *especially* if she’s a virgin. You two need to talk more about where she’s at, even if sex isn’t on the table yet. But just learning about how her libido and sexual desire is in general (does she masturbate, does she have things she would like to try eventually, does she percieve sex as something desireable?) will give you a good idea of what you are dealing with.
You listen to her and respect her wishes. It’s not rocket surgery. Don’t pressure her and be communicative.