I live in the UK and my girlfriend and I had planned a night away in a town we’ve always wanted to visit. There are a lot of nice bars that we had planned to check out and there’s a lot to see and do while we’re there.
My girlfriend was talking to her family and mentioned the trip. Her cousin, who is 15, said she has wanted to go to that place for ages and my girlfriend told her she could come along. Once we had left her family, I asked my gf why she decided to invite her cousin on our night away. My gf just said she thought it could be nice for her.
I pointed out it’ll change our trip now and that instead of a nice night away for just the two of us, we now have to make sure her cousin is having a good time and do things she wants etc. I mentioned that I’d sit this trip out and that we can go another time just the two of us.
My girlfriend asked if I was serious and I said yeah and that I was looking forward to a romantic night away and she’s turned it into a family trip without even asking me. I said I don’t mind doing it another time just the two of us but that I won’t be going on this trip.
She said I was being unfair and that I should be fine with her cousin coming with us. Does anyone have any other views of perspectives about this or any advice on how to handle it?
tl;dr my girlfriend invited her cousin on a trip we had planned. I dropped out and said we could go together another time instead but my girlfriend said I should be fine with her cousin joining us
21 comments
228 years old, the changes you must have seen. Congrats on figuring out how to use a computer.
You should compromise, maybe you can figure out a way for you guys to do your thing, visit the bars and everything and leave the cousin somewhere for a few hours. I agree tho she shouldn’t have invited someone along without asking you first, but it is what it is, don’t break the young cousin’s heart when she finds out you cancelled because she wanted to join, it’s something that’ll happen only once, you’ve all the time to do everything with your girlfriend later.
NTA – I loathe when people do stuff like this. You two had a plan and she drastically changed it without even talking to you. It’s inconsiderate.
So the main issue here appears to be that you and your girlfriend had a plan, but she has changed it without consulting you. You need to separate the issues here.
Your girlfriend doesn’t get to decide what you are fine with doing. Be open with her and calmly explain why you feel the way you do. That’s your own opinion which isn’t for her to agree or disagree with, just for her to show some understanding.
She will of course have her own views to respond with. We don’t always agree about everything with our partners – sometimes you can compromise, but there are somethings you will feel you are not willing to compromise on which could be a dealbreaker. In this specific scenario, set some expectations with her for the future i.e., agree plan changes together rather than unilaterally.
I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship with your girlfriend or her family. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind going with her cousin, but you feel frustrated because the way your girlfriend handled the situation. And then with these emotions, you don’t want to go out of principle. Perhaps you wouldn’t have wanted to go even if your girlfriend asked you in private.
If you genuinely wouldn’t mind spending the time with her cousin, you could arrange a second trip. You and your girlfriend could decide which trip will be just the two of you and which trip with her cousin. I wouldn’t advise not going at all because you’re feeling frustrated and disrespected at this moment in time.
If you genuinely don’t want to do that kind of thing with her cousin, tell you girlfriend that and the reasons behind it.
I’ll give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t being malicious, but her behaviour here is not appropriate, and you should not tolerate it. You don’t need to have a heated argument, just a calm discussion about how you both feel about the situation and why.
It’s audacious for her to say you’re being unfair – unfair to whom exactly and why? She is the one that is being unfair…
Good luck OP and keep us posted!
You’ve already let your girlfriend know that you’re not happy and it was a mistake on her part, but I would just go on the night away and enjoy it. If you see this woman as someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with then the cousin will always be there and will always remember that you didn’t really want to go on the trip.
It sucks that she didn’t ask your opinion before asking her cousin, but what’s done is done and there’s no use crying over spilt milk. However, I also understand if you still don’t wanna go.
NTA she should have asked you first before inviting someone else.
Plan the next trip and invite your mum at the last minute. See how she likes it.
I’m sorry. Your feelings are not wrong. She should not have done it. I’m puzzled because I think almost anyone would expect your trip to be a romantic getaway. Did anyone, such as the cousin’s parents, even consider declining or suggesting another time or a group trip after you two check it out? I find this aspect strange. I guess the concern is how the family will react now. It could get blown way out of proportion. It stinks but you can go along and make a great impression or you can decline and possibly make things pretty awkward. At your age, I don’t know why anyone would not assume your trip is romantic in nature. While I get your gf likely wouldn’t want to disappoint the 15yo, why can’t she just say she wasn’t thinking and it’s not best to take her.. It’s a more adult trip and you two will be going to bars and such and plan a different trip for the 15yo? This is the truth isn’t it? I know it’s not the best, but she should be able fix this pretty easily if her family is even a little reasonable. I’m sorry..
I am rather concerened about the slight difference bwetween your age 228m and 25f
It sounds to me that that the reason for inviting the cousin WAS to turn the trip into a “G” rated outing. I don’t think that you have a girl friend. You just have another friend.
Here’s some advice, stick to your decision.
You told her why. If she can’t see how she ruined the trip, then she’ll need to spend a few days trying to figure it out.
Her inviting another, especially a 15 year old, was thoughtless. Tell’s me how little consideration she has for you.
Bro that age gap! No wonder she invited her cousin to have a conversation. /s
I think the age gap is a bit problematic tbh.
But seriously, NTA. Decisions like this should be made as a couple in private.
You’re too old for her mate (228m)
No no that was a dick move. Plus if my bf planned a trip, I’m going to want that romantic getaway. I’d need to really get her to understand and it’s concerning she doesn’t
Red flag, especially her reaction to your concerns. This is the type of person to invite her family to live in your house without even talking to you first. “They’re family!”
Steer clear.
How long have you guys been together? I had a GF do this as a way to specifically avoid the romance on a romantic get away. The whole trip for us was to get out of a rut we were in. She invited her sister and got absolutely pissed when I canceled. I ultimately canceled her shortly after since I realized she didn’t care enough to invest in us.
The age gap is icky to me. 203 years are too much
Your girlfriend needs to not sign you up for things without asking you about it first. She also doesnt have any right to unilaterally change a getaway, without accepting that you might not want to come then.
This is a good time to talk about respect, boundaries and expectations. And how you both want to be treated by the other when it comes to joint activities and time spent together. – Do you have the right to just invite people and family along on holidays, weekends away and get togethers, or is that an area where you consult eachothers expectations and make sure you both agree before changing dynamics and setups around social time together?
You should absolutely not have a dynamic where you dont get to feel exited about a weekend away because she might invite a kid along at the last minute without even asking you about it first. If your gf feels that “family” trumps your boundaries and respecting your needs and wants, DO NOT PROCEED with this person. Its only gonna get worse.
The age gap in this relationship is fucking insane
Whatever she says do not go. It’s gone from an adult romantic weekend to a no drinking no sex no late night weekend of babysitting tourism.