How do I date/moving on after indirectly causing the death of my ex?

30 comments

1. Memories never fade and you will always love her. Try taking things slow with this new woman. Go out for dinner a couple of times and try to be honest when you think you are comfortable. If she’s comfortable she will stay if not then you tell yourself it wasn’t meant to be and keep looking for someone. I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone. Hope you find the answers you are looking for

2. >How do I date/moving on **after indirectly causing the death of my ex?**

   How in the name of god do you figure you were in ANY way responsible for any part of this?

   >I bet my ex would still be here/alive if she didn’t get to be in relationship with me and didn’t attend my convocation party.

   This is not logical. Why not blame the person that designed the car that hit her? Why not blame the miner that dug up the iron ore that became the steel in the engine of the car that hit her? Why not blame her parents for having her in the correct location and time period for the two of you to eventually meet and date, *just* so she could end up in the right place and time to be hit by that car? Why not blame *your* parents for the same thing?

   You need to spend some time undoing this thought trap you’re in. I understand your feelings, it’s very normal (edit: and even *good*) for a conscientious person to ask themselves “what is my responsibility for this situation, if any?” but you then *must* remember to treat everyone else (the driver of the car, for example) in the situation the same way. If you question what you’re responsible for, you must question what everyone else is responsible for as well. And from my perspective, you’re not responsible for *any* of it. Again, I get it, a lot of people feel guilt in the face of a terrible loss, regardless of their actual culpability. But it’s not reality.

   **edit:**
   You also have to acknowledge the role of chance. People blame themselves or others for things that are no one’s fault because living with the reality that terrible things can happen to us through no fault of our own is too scary. This is the origin of something called the just world fallacy. We want the world to make sense, we want to believe in justice – we want to live in a world where bad things only happen to bad people. But that’s not real either, and it leads to shitty things, like blaming victims for their own abuse, or people like yourself taking on guilt that isn’t theirs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis

3. I’m so sorry that this happened. That said, you absolutely, 100% did not cause her death, either directly or indirectly.

   We don’t think about this on a day-to-day basis, but life is nothing but risk. Every single thing that we do involves risk, whether extremely minimal (opening an envelope and getting a paper cut) or great (skydiving).

   You happened to be in her life at the time. You happened to share that day and evening with her. But you did not cause her death. Existence caused her death. She got very unlucky in that moment.

   Eight years is long enough to grieve. Imagine what she would be thinking if she could see you right now. Would she want you to let your life go, and spend it in pain? Or would she want you to get the most you can out of your life, having already spent a large amount of your youth in grief?

   I don’t mean to diminish your loss in any way. To be honest i’m feeling this deeply and it makes me want to cry just writing this out.

   But you are alive. And tragically, she is not. While everything that you’re experiencing is understandable, it comes down to what you want to do now, going forward. What do you choose for you?

   I think it’s really great that you’re in therapy. I would also suggest maybe finding an online group (maybe a sub Reddit?) With people who have also experienced this type of loss. I think the kind of insight that would do you good is the kind that would come directly from someone who has worked through a lot of these feelings and found some level of peace, relief, happiness.

   **Edited to add:**

   Another way of looking at this is that by spending your life in pain… in a sense you are not honoring her loss of life.

   In other words… if she could see what you’re currently doing, might she think you’re wasting *your* opportunity to cultivate the precious gift that was taken from her? To **honor** her loss of life, why not channel your grief into living the best, fullest, most rewarding life that you possibly can?

   *huge hug*.

4. The only things people should blame themselves for are the actions they deliberately chose while knowing the likely outcome. For example, if you choose to drive while drunk, you know that you are more likely to cause a car accident and you can blame yourself for this if someone gets hurt or dies as a result.

   You did not do one single thing that day that you could have predicted would lead to the death of your girlfriend. You did not choose to take any excessive risk that caused the accident. You weren’t even driving. You were just living your life and so was she, and a terrible thing happened. You have to find a way to honor her memory without holding onto this misplaced sense of blame

5. First, I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this. Having your partner pass away is a major trauma, and the pain is brutal.

   Grief is a different animal for everyone. Its forms, the time it takes to process, all of it is unique. That said, at some point, you need to start processing through some of it. You are 8 years past that time, and by your own account, it doesn’t seem like you’ve been able to process much (if “every single piece of her memory is still lingering”, you haven’t processed it).

   So, how do you move on? You have to do the work. Meeting with a counsellor “from time to time” isn’t the work. Sitting down with a therapist, laying it out, and telling them “my goal is to no longer be trapped by this grief, and I want a counsellor who will help me make a plan to work through it, and continue to meet with me while I do so. I am hung up on her death being related to a moment where she came to see me, and I need to figure out how to forgive myself for that.” This has to be #1.

   (Please note: I do NOT at all think you caused her death. Her death was a random accident. Random accidents happen. I do understand that its easy to fixate your pain on any influence you had over it, but this is not healthy, and that’s why you need to be 100% with a therapist about your feelings.)

   Do NOT get into any other relationship yet. You might be a great person, but you are currently not in good working order. You need to fix yourself first. Find a therapist. Immediately. And not just for one or two sessions. This is the goal of your life for the next few months.

   One other suggestion: Find support groups of people who’s partners passed away. Don’t worry about going in there years afterwards, the people in those groups have seen it all, and just want to help others dealing with that pain. You’d be amazed what being in a room of people who have similar stories can do to help your perspective.

   Please, do the work. You lost a loved one. But she would want you to find yourself again and not spend your days weighted down by this 8 years later. Best of luck to you.

6. I re-read this a few times and either I skipped the part where you said how you caused her to die or you just didn’t tell us how you indirectly killed her. Either way, I would like to know how you caused it.

7. I know how you feel. Before advice let me tell you a story.

   When i was in late primary school some 25 years ago during the vacations my then best friend almost drowned in local pool after someone jumped on his head. He was underwater for few minutes and became basically for a lack of better word vegetable. I saw him that day while coming back from store from some distance. Far away so i was not sure if it’s him, but close enough that if i shouted he would hear. I decided to not scream because i was not sure if thats him. I came home and my mom told me he was there few minutes ago asking if i wanted to go to the pool. If i went he would probably be alive (he died few years ago). If i shouted he would be alive.

   But it’s not my fault he had accident. It was just that, an accident. Im not at fault for this on. You are not at fault for your late GF accident.

   What you suffer from is probably closest to a survivor guilt. Try reaching out to some counselor about it.

   Your late gf would like you to be happy. Don’t blame yourself for what you couldn’t control.

   Good luck.

8. You need to go to actual therapy over this, not just a grief councilor every once in awhile.
   Guilt and grief have controlled your thoughts for years and you’re going to need help to unlearn this way of thinking.

9. You go see a therapist.

10. It sounds like you were just so young when this happened that you didn’t know how to process the grief or how *one would even grieve properly.*

    Of course this could not have been your fault! But I do understand feeling the way you’re describing.

    Hell, even as an adult, we do weird mental gymnastics to try to process grief and the whole, “if I could go back in time and change this to change this,” so normal… even as an adult who knows all about grief.

    It’s a horrible thing to go through and our minds play many tricks on us.

    Edit- more stuff- I submitted my post too soon.

    If you haven’t already, I would truly look into grief or trauma therapy to process these feelings ♥️

11. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. This was a traumatic experience & you need to seek trauma-informed therapy for it. This is beyond any help redditors can provide. Healing IS possible! Good luck.

12. I mean for one thing you DIDNT cause her death, indirectly or otherwise. It was a terrible accident that happened while she was doing something totally normal, going somewhere. You should forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive in this case.

    It’s also ok to remember the good things and to feel your grief.

    Maybe you’re having trouble moving on because you’re grieving something that isn’t real. You aren’t grieving her death, which is a real tragedy. You’re grieving that you killed her, which did not happen as it was an accident. It’s harder to move on from something you yourself are constructing for your own reasons.

13. Reddit is not going to be able to help with this. You need to speak with a professional

14. This is rough bro my close friend just killed herself and I don’t know if I will ever get over it. I talk to her like if she was still there sometimes and am probably getting a tattoo one where she died which was her favorite beach.

15. I think you should continue to go to therapy on a regular basis. This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t hit her with your car. You weren’t even there. It was an accident that could have happened to any one of us. I know that’s a scary thought, but isn’t it better than blaming yourself for something you had no control over? Why do you deserve that? Do you think she’d be blaming you? Or do you think she’d be happy that she got to see you one more time before she died?

    I think it’s really great that you can acknowledge that you’ve idealized her in your mind. It’s very easy to do once someone is no longer with us. But notice when you’re doing that. Once you are able to notice it in the moment, it will become easier to stop yourself.

    If you don’t feel ready to ask someone new out, that’s ok. You don’t have to be ready yet. But remember that sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is step outside our comfort zone. This new woman won’t be like your ex. She’s a totally different person. A relationship with her will feel different from the relationship you had with your ex. It will also be different because your first love always hits different. But that doesn’t mean it will be worse.

    Keep your head up, OP. You’re gonna get through this.

16. Get thee to therapy. This is way above reddit’s pay grade.

17. You need to go into a real therapy program, like seeing a therapist regularly, making more appointments with your grief counselor, doing work outside of those two things as well. The fact that you still feel this way 8 years later, and are placing some blame of their death on your own head is completely unhealthy and you are not ready to move on to a new relationship yet. You need to do personal work before you bring someone new into your life

18. I’m sorry you had to go through this. However, you absolutely did not cause her death. Not directly. Not indirectly. Unfortunately, accidents happen. Each one is a tragedy that devastates so many people. But we don’t have to find the blame for each one of them. And in this case you are definitely not to blame in any way.

    It’s good that you have talked to a grief counselor, however you may need more in depth therapy. 8 years is a long time, and while she will always be in your memories, you deserve to move on and have a life and other relationships. Find a good therapist who you can see regularly.

19. This is above Reddit’s pay-grade.

20. First of all I’m so sorry this happened to you. That’s a severely traumatic event for someone so young to have gone through. I also completely understand. I had an ex recently die of a drug overdose, so I get it. It’s shocking. Especially because you were essentially the last person to have seen her alive.

    I will say this though. *You did not cause her death*. *At all*. It was an accident. You are not responsible for accidents that happen. You weren’t driving the car that hit her. You weren’t at fault at all. You cannot blame yourself for her death, so you have to absolve yourself of this so you can move on. If you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself “it’s not my fault _____ died.” then that may be what it takes until it sinks in and you can finally move on.

    You’re not cursed. Not every relationship will end up like that. Let it go so you can heal and find love again. <3

21. Sometimes you just have to try. Ask her out. If things move too fast, tell her this is the first time you’re dating since your previous relationship and want to take things slow.

    Separately, get professional therapy.

    You didn’t cause the death of your ex at all.

22. You move on by accepting that you didn’t cause her death… indirectly or otherwise… what happen to her was an accident and you had absolutely nothing to do with it. Once you accept that, then you can move on.

23. You’re getting a lot of good advice hear, mate. I want to add something though…

    Even though your time together was a brief one, how would *she* want you to feel right now? My guess is that she would want you to feel some happiness in your life. I know a part of the healing process with a sudden loss is the real yet irrational feeling that you are letting that person down by moving on. As if you are betraying them….

    But that isn’t the case. You didn’t commit a willful act that caused what happened. And it’s very possible that although certainly untimely, you may have made her last day on this Earth anyways, a very happy one.

24. Your reasoning that you caused her death has no logic. You need therapy.

25. There is no one to blame here in this situation. Unfortunately life has its way of giving life as well as taking it. Look for what you can learn from this experience. I’d say through all this you can see how precious life is and that you never know when you may see someone again. Making the most of your time with your loved ones is crucial. Hang in there my friend

26. In no way is it your fault . It’s clear that you do her great honour by remembering her so fondly and keeping the memory of her and your love together alive . As others have said get therapy if you can or some form of releasing your feelings through discussion and acknowledging them in ways that can help in your healing . What you do during and after that healing you can decide then as regards to dating . Becoming better is probably the best way to begin . Good luck !

27. You need consistent and long term therapy my dude.

28. You are responsible for precisely 2 things. Intentional choices and negligent choices, this was neither.

    Now that we’ve handled the logical, go handle the emotional in therapy. None of us here is qualified to address that

29. Therapy and don’t date someone you work with.

30. It sounds like you’re stuck in time, in a sense. Which is kinda what trauma feels like. It’s a wall you can’t move beyond. Trauma cripples people. It crippled me.

    Yes, there is a causal “but-for” logic that paints you as somewhat responsible for this—the thing you’ve been telling yourself. It’s the elephant in the room and there’s no point in denying that you can find responsibility there if you want to.

    BUT It is a perspective, only PART of the truth. Sometimes tragic shit just happens. Scratch that. Tragic shit happens all the time. That’s a part of the truth too.

    Taking responsibility for it in the way that you are makes sense—when you haven’t been able to process through what happened.

    It’s your way of controlling what you couldn’t. Think on that.

    You’re going to need a therapist to process this trauma. Regularly and for some time. It will not be easy—but if you throw yourself into it, you will change. You’ll grow. And as someone who was crippled by trauma, I’m telling you—it’s worth it.