(Tl:dr-My(27F) dying Mother (51F) won’t let me take a week or 2 break from her care to grieve the death of my baby after having to take in her disabled ex(70+M) as well as care for her and my 2 living children on my own. How do I convince her it’s for the best and to give me this time?)
Hello, this is my first post to this sub so stay with me here as I try to figure it out. I first posted to a different sub, but it was a judgment one and I didn’t get the advice I needed there. I am looking more for advice at this point. So please help me if you can. You are welcome to look through my history as the entire story is there, but you don’t have to as I have covered it mostly here.
Info On mother(51F): My mother has stage 4 COPD and other health issues. She is still able to bathe herself, walk medium distances (Bedroom to car in one go with no stops), use the bathroom, and can but usually doesn’t fetch herself drinks. She is also able to order food from the apps and get it from the door when delivered but usually has me do that. She does need help when visiting doctors. She refuses hospitals unless someone goes with her even when she needs to go. She is traumatized by her health and frequently panics over even a hiccup. She uses me as her emotional support and tells everyone including Doctors that I am pretty much her at home therapist and brags that I should go to school for it, she refuses to see a licensed therapist. I am "On Call" 24/7 to her, she literally calls me and wakes me up day or night and I go to her.
Info on Ex(70+M): I in the original post refused to take the ex in due to all the other stuff I had to manage between her care, mine, and my children. However, after the pregnancy ended very crazily and then the death of my infant 2 months later, I ended up allowing him shelter on a temporary basis. This did not go as planned and he has been a permanent resident since. He sleeps on the couch, and he is able to walk, slowly. He is able to heat food up, make coffee and even cook a little without much help but he is still in need of help and care. Our shower is not handicap accessible in the way he needs so he unfortunately takes rag baths, he never stinks though and shaves and cares for his own hygiene.
Info on me(27F): I am married, husband(28M) works as a truck driver currently. He is out for a week and home most weekends now though it used to be, gone about a month give or take to home 4 days. I had a difficult pregnancy at the end of last year that nearly killed me. She was born in November and died in January due to SIDS. There is more on it in my updates to the other post. I stay at home and care for our 9- and 4-year-old daughters as well as my mother and now her ex.
After the baby died my husband stayed home a few weeks. Originally, we planned that when he left to go back out again, I would send our kids to his aunts, and I would spend a week or two on the road with him. The reason was so I could grieve without anyone to interrupt or need me in any way. He would take care of himself, and I would do what I needed to get back in a good headspace to be able to be there for our kids and my mother. This did not happen because my mother ended up in the hospital and needed me to help her. So, I put it off and have been doing so since.
Every time I go to plan it, she ends up super sick and, in the hospital, or just so sick that she can’t be left alone to fetch her drinks or food herself. The ex could help her I know but if she’s that sick what if she needs to be in the hospital? With this last time, she had to have emergency surgery on her gallbladder and then a stint put in her bile duct 2 weeks later when she was still sick and went back to the hospital. She’s staying in pain, but they keep sending her home saying to wait the 8 weeks until they remove the stent and giving her stronger and stronger pain meds every time.
Now it’s the end of school and I had planned to send the girls to my husband's aunt for the 2 weeks. I told my mother and suggested letting her friend that recently lost their apartment stay temporarily while they look for a new place. She said no because Ex and her friend don’t get along and also told me that I shouldn’t be trying to leave her while she’s sick like this. I pointed out that she has only made it through 2 of the 8 weeks and the kids won’t be out of school for too long in “adult time”. I said there is nothing more I can do for her at this point the medical professionals have to handle it and as of now they say wait for 8 weeks. (Non-invasive surgeries, down the throat for stent and also 4 tiny incisions on stomach that are already pretty healed as the gallbladder happened 2 weeks prior to the stent, so 4 weeks ago now.)
She says if I leave her knowing that she needs me emotionally right now because she is panicked, I would be an AH and selfish. I understand she needs support; she is fully capable of taking care of her basics ordering food/drinks/shower/bathroom etc. though. Also, her friend has already said they would help even if they didn't stay in the home temporarily. I am just asking for a week or 2 to just exist and maybe actually grieve my baby dying rather than shove it away and focus on everything and everyone else. I need this and can feel it like an ache in my body. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my other option is just waiting for her to die which is awful and though I know it will happen sometime soonish in the future I don't want that, maybe a year, maybe 2 if lucky. I also don't want to have to wait and then end up grieving both my baby and mother at the same time. That will destroy me…. Any advice? I am at a loss now. What can I do to convince her to let me do this for myself so I can come back and do better with everyone’s care?
(Please keep in mind that I might just not be thinking clearly with all this stress and devastation. Yes, I am in therapy. The therapist agreed a week or two away would help me but didn't have much advice on my mother other than to make sure she had help.)