My wife cheated on me a year ago. It was with another married man she met through the kids activities. It lasted a few months before she broke it off, confessed and begged forgiveness.
She didn’t love him, but he was infatuated with her, pursued her hard and eventually she gave in. We have two young children and I couldn’t bear to not see them everyday so I told my wife I would stay in the marriage but it would be open from here on out. It was the only way in my mind I could maintain some dignity.
She agreed but she never saw anyone else or even pursue it. Her former lover tried to pursue her again but she just blocked him. I didn’t think I would see anyone either simply because I didn’t think anyone would want to be involved with me given my circumstances. But I ended up finding a woman in a similar situation. Her husband cheated and told her to cheat back to even things out. So she did with me. The whole thing didn’t last very long but my wife knew about it and just swallowed it. She would just cry and hold my hand when she knew I’d just been with her. It honestly made me feel like shit even though she cheated on me first.
I started talking to another woman a few months after my short fling ended but did not pursue it. I just couldn’t hurt my wife like that again. So last week I told her I would like to close the marriage and go to counseling. She cried again but this time it was happy tears and we have our first appointment next week.
Am I doing the right thing here? I do love her and she spent a year watching me talk to women and ultimately sleep with one and didn’t complain about it. I also don’t think I acted appropriately. I was hurt and wanted her to hurt like I did, but that’s not healthy and I ended up hurting myself in the process. I just need some advice.
TLDR: My wife cheated on me and we opened the marriage in response. Now we’ve closed to again and I am considering reconciling but I don’t know if it is the right thing to do.
EDIT:
Two common things have come up a lot in the comments so I will address them.
- Why she cheated: My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have young kids so with that the romance in our relationship took a hit, life was all about the kids. So then AP comes along. They become friends, then he tells her he has feelings for her. He tells her how stunning she is, that she is a goddess that deserves to be worshipped and that her husband doesn’t appreciate what he has. My wife told me all of this made her feel good and she let it get physical because in the moment she wanted to experience what it was like to be with someone who worshipped her like that. She eventually realized she didn’t have feelings for him and after the initial thrill wore off the sex wasn’t even good.
- After she cheated I felt so emasculated and disrespected I simply could not continue in the marriage unless we opened it. She did agree to this and she could see other people if she wanted as well. But at the time I just couldn’t let what she did to me go unanswered and feel any self respect. I ended up feeling like shit for hurting her but we have talked about it and she does get where I was coming from.