It's a new relationship, 3 months in.
One of the things that really holds me back from emotionally feeling what I expect I should be feeling, is her lack of confidence and low self esteem, despite that fact that she's going to be a resident doctor, she's very smart, attractive, plays games, cooks, sings and writes music that wins competitions… really just an extremely talented individual. She's got some major baggage and mental health issues from her childhood trauma and exes that treated her very poorly, and she lived in a world that negged her down so that people felt better about themselves because she was so talented. I help her through the her moments of insecurity and tears but I want her to be able to grow with my reassurance as I help her rewrite her narrative on what it means to be in a good and healthy relationship.
She doesn't handle frustration well and becomes very short, and any time I call her out, calmly, on it and any other feedback that could be misconstrued as criticism, she immediately starts crying, apologizes, asks if I'm mad at her, and asks if I'm going to break up with her. And yes, she says its her issue, I'm not being mean about it, and all my previous partners and friends will also attest to that. For example, I introduced her to one of my hobbies because I want her to be part of my world! I was teaching her, and told her its okay to be frustrated, its new and a lot to learn and just tried to lighten the mood by laughing it off and saying it's okay, but she interpreted it as me laughing at her for being bad so she was getting frustrated. As we started talking about it, the crying, apologizing, fearing the relationship loss, came through, so I reassured her and didn't validate her fears. I can see this constant need for reassurance getting tiring over the years. David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men subject #11 basically. The irony is if I do break up with her, she's going to feel validated that her fears were right. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, almost.
I am pretty sure she wants to tell me she loves me, as she's opened up that discussion a few times, implying but never being direct. I am not ready to say it to her, and I reflected on why and came up with the above. There's also my concern that she has been previously suicidal and too casually brings up about wanting to kill herself in the past. It makes me uncomfortable and not want to be vulnerable and end up shattered and picking up the pieces of my life if she ever does that.
My previous two exes, I was the one who said it first and had the urge to say it within 2-3 months. But those situations were also unique that they started/were LDRs. There have been a handful of other women who said they loved me but I did not reciprocate.
I really want this to work, but I just notice I don't feel much anxiety around her. I take the steps to be a good partner, but I am not as enthusiastic as I was with my two LTRs. I don't feel much urge to be a better partner, because she is so in love with me that I feel I could do no wrong. I've been told by many women that I am leagues above the other men they've dated but I still want someone who encourages me to be better and step out of my comfort zone. I spoke about it with a friend and they said they had similar feelings of inequality in their relationship and it led to resentment because the person in the position of my partner is infantilized a bit.
I'm not sure what to do and am trying to understand my feelings. She's great on paper, and I do have feelings for her, but just not quite the same as my two LTRs (and the only two people I chose to say I love to, first, and they reciprocated). But I was also younger, and I've often thought whether the roller coaster of emotions and anxiety is even good for me. For my first ex, ex-fiancee, it wasn't, because I lost myself and my identity. I was much younger then, so I had a lot to learn and grow from. 2nd ex, less so, but I did have periods of anxiety during rough periods in which I felt I was losing her, but I learned to calm and cope myself.
edit: I do want to note, she has been in therapy for years, but initially it was due to PTSD from an accident. She doesn't expect me to be the solution to her issues and gives me the boundaries that I ask for.