Me (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for 3.5 years and I have a conundrum that's scrambled my brain!
About a year ago, I got myself in a bit of a tizz. I have a higher libido than my boyfriend, and while we'd previously got along quite fine with this, during that time frame I got really in my own head about him no longer finding me attractive, struggled for a while by myself and ended up in a very emotional conversation where he reassured me he still found me as attractive as he ever had, but he simply didn't always want sex as much as I did.
I did a lot of soul searching, and acknowledged to myself that I was seeking validation through sex. I did a lot of rationalising with myself, looked at his behaviour and what it displayed to me, and I realised what he was saying was true. I felt for the benefit of the relationship that the best thing was for me to wait for him to initiate, and we talked about this. This didn't come naturally for me but I didn't want him to feel smothered or bad in any way for us not aligning.
It was difficult for a while, but eventually things settled, and apart from the very odd instance where I'd suggest things, he was the initiator and that was how we were.
So… A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about our sex life, and had the "is there anything you'd like?" conversation where we check in. Me, suggested a position I'd like to try and he was up for that. When he answered, he suggested something he'd like me to wear… and that he'd like me to initiate more.
My brain ground to a halt. Er, what? I asked what that looked like for him, he said he'd like for me to start things sometimes. I said sure, but I've been thinking about this since and realised I feel super confused and honestly a little upset. I spent a lot of time feeling rejected prior to our chat a year ago, and I spent a lot of time not ever wanting him to feel pressure and modifying my behaviour, and now he's decided that actually he likes me initiating more?
I don't assign him any ill feeling simply because he's not a malicious person. He's very frank in a kind way, but I just feel so confused and tangled up. The thought of me initiating now is no longer something that flows naturally and I feel so awkward and have lost my confidence.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can approach this healthily so we're both comfortable with the situation?
1 comment
First and foremost there is nothing wrong with either of you and what your dealing with is miscommunication or not clear enough communication. He still desires you and evidently enjoys sex with you so please don’t get in your head about it. Just to be clear in the facts you went from initiating all the time to none? Or you scaled back? If it was to none then theirs the issue. He communicated he wanted you to initiate less but not to never initiate. I think this deserves more of an in depth conversation. You had a higher libido and he was overwhelmed with it but trudged through until he couldn’t. Now the sex life lays solely on him and that’s is a lot of pressure especially since he knows you have a higher libido. It is okay to discuss what amount of sex you want, if you want to have cue words that says I’m in the mood today, or whatever works for your relationship. I speak from experience that being the one keeping the sex life going is stressful. I’m very HL and my wife is very LL to the point that if we never had sex she would be fine with that. I have a mental checklist I go through to try to decipher if she’s in the mood or not because we have shitty sex communication mainly revolving around her religious “sex is a no no topic” upbringing. So I get the pressure he feels just from a different perspective. Have another talk, lay out details, take turns initiating. He did it last week now you do
It , then he can. Be vocal and let each other know what’s on your mind. I would say 90% of issues in any relationship would be moot if we all communicated like we should and we were open to that communication. Best of luck