Both in our early 30s. I'll be the first to admit we don't have a lot of sex, or rather that our sex is really inconsistent. I don't have much of a libido, and I don't get that 'itch' to have sex like he does. It's likely my birth control, but I need that to control my period (I have PMDD). That said, there are infrequent periods where I do get the urge or need for sex, and we'll have a lot of sex for a week or so, and then it'll be a month or two until that happens again. I know his sex drive is really high and I know he masturbates a lot, but when he does ask for sex and I'm not in the mood, I'll hold him and kiss him while he masturbates (we probably do this more than we have sex if I'm being honest).
This week has been one of those weeks where I've been really wanting him. I've let him know if he wants to have sex, we can before we sleep, or after he finishes work, or whenever. He's said "I'll keep that in mind" then doesn't follow up. I'll ask again and he'll either say he's tired or he already masturbated. I asked why he would masturbate if he knew I wanted to have sex and he got kind of annoyed and said "I've brought this up before – we only have sex when you want to. It doesn't make me feel particularly good that I'm expected to just take what I can get but you're free to turn me down when I initiate." I tried explaining that it should be mutual and that it felt like he wanted me to have sex when I didn't want to, and he just replied by saying "that's exactly what you're doing right now". He offered to hold me like I do for him and I said "no that isn't what I wanted with you tonight" and he just laughed and said "yeah it feels like a consolation prize, doesn't it?" and rolled over to sleep. I know he probably just said that because he was hurt but it hurt knowing something intimate we do felt like a 'consolation prize' to him.
I recognize it must be frustrating for him but if he has a high sex drive and I wanted to have sex, I don't understand why he'd pull away. Maybe this sticks out as obvious for some, I'll admit I have autism so sometimes stuff like this doesn't immediately make sense to me, so any insight would be greatly appreciated.