Flair is not 100% but best I could find.
The facts: I am female, straight, early 30's, and generally very happy and in a loving relationship for 7 years. I do not live in a country where sex therapy or even just normal therapy is a usual thing and easy to get. I started to be sexually active in my later teens and basically it's the same story since then.
And so it goes: I really like pleasuring my man with blowjobs, handjobs and by fucking him. It also turns me on, it's not like I am asexual or anything. I DO get horny. I am all good as long as the focus is on me pleasuring him.
For some reasons though I have extreme difficulties as soon as the focus shifts on my pleasure. As long as my partner touches me to turn himself on (e.g. kneading my tits or fingering me while I do stuff to him) I am all fine. The moment he touches me thought with the goal to arouse me or get me off I feel this heavy pressure and almost panic and I need him to stop immediately. Basically all my life I tried to "endure" it long enough until my body would naturally react to the act by orgasming but it's not a good feeling at all, it's very forced. Plus usually I don't succeed with that in maybe 90% of the cases, usually I have to ask my partner to please stop because I can't take it anymore.
I also find the thought of receiving oral hot but I can't for the life of me relax and receive it. When my partner went down on me in the past I either clenched every muscle in my lower body and focussed very hard to come asap to get over with it or I couldn't endure it any longer and had to ask him to stop.
When we have sex and e.g. I blow him while he fingers me and I get too aroused I start to get a panicky feeling and have to ask him to please stop. Feels like I choke (not in a good way), anxiety (for what ever) through the roof.
I usually orgasm by going to the bathroom after we're finished and do it myself which works without any panic, anxiety, whatever.
TLDR: I feel pleasure and joy about getting my man off. But as soon as my pleasure is the focus I start to clench up and panic to a point I have to ask my partner to stop.
Any ideas wtf is wrong with me?