I’m 30F Filipina and in a LDR with my Am boyfriend 38M, whom I met on a dating app. Initially, it was just casual talks and sharing of n*des, until it developed into something deeper. We got to know each other, shared our problems about life. We had a talk and decided that we’ll take it seriously, plan the date we’ll fly to each other countries. The only rule we have is to never cheat on each other because we both have trust issues.
At first, he was the perfect guy. He would shower me time, attention and affirmations. Until I started seeing some inconsistencies e.g. he would plan a virtual date and then he would cancel them to hang out with his friends. Until I started to bring it up and all he said was that everything he does is just not enough for me and that I’m always asking for more. And then he would just find the smallest reasons to create fights and things that I do that apparently annoy him. Everytime we would fight, he would always dare to break up.
And then we had a big fight again and then he gave me the silent treatment and said he wanted space. Then my gay BFF knew that I was down and said, I was investing too much in a virtual relationship so I should just create a profile in that app again so I can already move on. But not even after 2 days that I created that account, my BF called me and caught me there. He sent me screenshots of my new profile there. He said he had a feeling I was there and so he broke up with me and we didn’t talk for 2 weeks. But then I knew it was my fault so I said sorry and he forgave me after.
After a few months, one day, for some reason, I don’t know why but I had the urge to create a profile again on that app. I got a premium account so I can tweak my location, and lo and behold, he was there. I was fuming with anger. And the funny thing is that, it doesn’t say there it’s a new account. I noticed that the bio and photos I saw when I swiped right on him before, were just the same. And then it made sense. I remembered after we matched on that app before, he already messaged me on Whatsapp and unmatched me after since I couldn’t see his profile anymore. So I came up to the conclusion that he never deleted his profile ever since we met. And the fact that he punished me for 2 weeks of not talking and insisting that I betrayed him by creating a new profile there, when he was there and never deleted his profile the entire time. But then I forgave him and we got back together.
A few months later, we’re still together and the same thing happened. I had a gut feeling again coz he was acting the same like he did before. Distant, cold, always irritated. And so I created a fake profile, and he swiped right on that fake account. He created a new account. He says on that profile that he’s not looking for anything serious. I couldn’t believe it. But, I forgave him. I know. This is stupid. But he begged and promised me he would change. And so we worked things out.
It’s over a year and we still haven’t met.
After everything that has happened, I feel like I’m always on the lookout. I’m always paranoid. And so, I suddenly made a big issue on his IG following. Coz for some reason, he follows women who don’t even follow him back. So I called him, and said I know he’s cheating again. But this time around, I had no hard evidence. I sent him screenshots of the profiles of these women. The worst thing is I did those screenshots while we were on Facetime, watching a movie together.
He showed me his activities on his phone and on his IG and there was nothing. Now he said, he can’t trust me the same. He said he has been trying hard to correct his mistakes and I just didn’t trust him at all.
I really feel guilty. We’re still trying to work it out but he just doesn’t treat me the same. We were supposed to meet this July.
TL;DR
I know my insecurities are rooting from what he did to me and I saw his efforts to regain my trust. But I am still healing. How do I repair this and regain his trust?