I was talking with my Brazillian flatmate and German boyfriend about how I feel in British culture its socially unacceptable to cry at a funeral.
I have not been to lots of funerals thankfully but every time I was one of the only ones crying (like not shedding a tear, properly crying) and every time I felt selfish and embarrassed to be doing so. My Brazillian flatmate, on the other hand, says that in her experience its very common for everyone to be crying and crying together. Similarly my boyfriend said that at his aunt’s funeral him and his brother were the only family members not crying.
I hypothesise that for us it contravenes the British stiff upper lip mentality and is seen as slightly self-indulgent. On the other hand, maybe I’m just in very emotionally repressed circles?
20 comments
Totally reasonable. It’s part of the grieving process for some surely?
Of course it’s socially acceptable to cry at a funeral I’m a guy in my 30s and its usually one of the only times I do cry. The only time it might be seen as unacceptable is if someone that hardly knows the deceased is being so dramatic that it’s upsetting/distracting the immediate family.
Am British, and always stifle emotions at any funeral I’ve been to. I’ve even left feeling embarrassed by my own repression.
I’m classically repressed middle class English. I never saw my dad cry, so I think subconsciously I try and act similarly
What? *What?*
You’ve over-thought this to the point you’ve somehow arrived at the opposite of the logical conclusion with some kind of horseshoe-theory thought process.
Sure, some people might be stoic & not cry in instances where you’d expect one to do so, but everyone has varying ways of grieving that present differently.
Now, in terms of *social acceptability*?
Of course it’s acceptable – there’s absolutely nothing ‘self-indulgent’ about it, nothing inappropriate at all. It’s a basic function that’s venue-appropriate.
This is akin to asking if you can pee in a toilet, throw rubbish in a public bin, or eat in a café.
No offense intended, but now I’m waiting for someone to post *’Is it socially acceptable to call the fire brigade in the event of a fire?’*
Of course you can cry. Who said that?? Are they human?!
No one has ever said you can not cry at a funeral.
You must have a very stoic family and friend group. I’ve been to a fair few funerals and there’s always been a lot of tears.
I wept like a little girl at my sister’s funeral and I didn’t feel the slightest bit embarrassed for doing so. Stiff upper lip can go and do one as far as I’m concerned.
If you can’t cry at a funeral, when can you cry?
I recently went to a close relatives funeral, I didn’t cry because I got there late and missed the service. Wake was good though.
Of course it’s acceptable. I’ve never been to a funeral where people didn’t cry. It’s a sad occasion, crying is normal and expected.
The only time that I could see anyone having a problem with it is if you’re full-on screaming and it’s interrupting the service. For anything else, of course you can cry at a funeral. It’s a sad event and you’re there to mourn the person.
I’ve been to more than my fair share of funerals and I think someone has cried at all of them and some of those people were me. One of my oldest mates died a few years back and me and my other old buddy were making the oddest of noises during the ceremony – blubbing all over the place. If you can’t cry at a funeral then where are you going to?
People react differently, I know that at some funerals those who are closest have already gone through an extensive grieving process and may not during the actual day cry but this is just based on my personal experience and it’s totally acceptable to get upset.
I’ve only been to a couple of funerals and wouldn’t judge anyone who cried.
There’s always people crying at Funerals and wakes
You feeling selfish and embarrassed is more a reflection on you. Don’t confuse it for others judging you. It’s perfectly normal toncry at s funeral and people have at every one I’ve ever been to.
Whaaaaat? Yeah no sack that off, crying is certainly a thing. There have been people crying at all the funerals I’ve been to, I think if I went to one and people didn’t cry I’d be like ????
Me personally, I was sobbing so much at my grandma and grandpas, a bit at my granddad’s, I was okay at my best mates but a bit sniffy is all, same at a family friends
It isn’t something people really have a lot of control over. I believe in some countries the done thing can to make a very dramatic emotional reaction, as a deliberate thing to show grief and some kind of respect. Crying is absolutely fine as long as people don’t make it about themselves or roll around on the floor or anything, sure.
Lol you must live in some weird corner of the Uk
It’s totally normal and expected and OK to cry, even if you’re not that close to the deceased.
The only caveat is that it’d probably be a good idea to try to wipe your tears and hold it together when talking to the parents/partner, etc, so they don’t feel obliged to try to comfort you at a ceremony when they’re the ones with the bigger loss.
Weirdly I’ve noticed that the ones very close to the deceased often don’t cry that much at the funeral – I think the arrangements must distract them, and maybe they’ve either already done all their crying or they’re still at the shocked disbelief stage. It doesn’t mean they’re not upset, and doesn’t mean they don’t want anyone else to be upset.