burner acct for obvious reasons but my boyfriend & i have been together for a little more than a year at this point & we live together. when i first met him, i thought it was going to be a one time hookup thing so i never planned on talking to him again after the first night but he called me a few days after & asked to see me again & told me how much he liked my vibes, etc. i wasn’t interested in a relationship at first but obviously the more time we spent together, the more attracted & attached i became to him. he is an alcoholic (although a lot better now vs when i first met him) & used to have a coke problem. i believe he still does coke every now & then & just lies to me about it when i ask. & also to add, i had a lot of childhood trauma & i think that’s where a lot of this stems from. both of my parents were addicted to drugs & my dad was/is an alcoholic.
my boyfriend has hurt me a lot. he’s said awful things to me (all when he is drunk) like he doesn’t care about me, he can replace me in a second but i could never find someone like him, im a bitch, im stupid, im weird & crazy, etc etc. he has also broken up with me idk how many times & has gone as far as actually packing his stuff & leaving for the night & id hear from him the next evening about how he doesn’t actually want to break up & if he can come back over. i’ve caught him messaging other girls multiple times, sending dick pics, asking girls with boyfriends for threesomes, just some really nasty grimy things. there’s so many other disgusting & extremely disrespectful things he’s done to me but you get the point. i’m not perfect by any means but i will say, ive never done anything even remotely this disrespectful to him. & actually now that im thinking about it, all of this happened when he was drunk. he’s a great boyfriend when he’s sober. i’ve seen the potential he has & the person he is 100% sober.
despite all i’ve been through in just one single year with this man, i still love him. i am just SO tired of constantly being disrespected. he thinks the next day a little “im sorry. i shouldn’t have done that” makes everything okay?? i genuinely don’t think he understands how bad his actions & words hurt me. & i’ve tried over & over & over to talk to him about how his drinking affects not only our relationship but his relationships with other people & his own physical health (when i met him, he was drinking over a fifth a day & now drinks roughly a pint everyday). i’ve tried telling him how much he hurts me when he says & does things like this. i’m tired of repeating myself & getting nowhere. i just feel like what’s the point in talking anymore because he obviously doesn’t listen! he even pointed out the other day how we haven’t been fighting as much lately & i just smiled & agreed but it’s really because i stopped bringing things up that bothered me because he turns it into an argument.
i know this isn’t normal? im constantly exhausted from this relationship. i have no trust for him & don’t believe anything he says. he has no respect for me & obviously doesn’t care for me. why am i still so in love with a guy who has made it so obvious he doesn’t want me? how do i find the strength to walk away from this? right now, it feels impossible.