I f(24) think I have a pattern in dating that I’m not proud of. I always end up dating someone to not feel anything like 3 months in. I begin to nitpick and find some reason for why the relationship HAS to end. This has happened with probably the last 2-3 guys I’ve dated and it’s starting to happen again. The first guy it happened with when we broke up, I absolutely regretted it. I hated myself for months. I stopped eating, I got on antidepressants, I couldn’t sleep, it was this way for about 8 months before I stopped crying everyday and even now 2 years later I think about it all the time. The other breakups I haven’t felt near that level of sadness with. My mind switched from wanting to leave (I thought I had sound reasons at the time) to wanting him back and wanting to do anything to fix the problem and bring things back to the way they were. He wasn’t abusive by any means, he was a kind, fun, smart, loving person. We were basically engaged (though way too quickly) partly due to the social pressure there is in my culture to get married young. Things happened so fast (3 months he wanted to get engaged, in 4 he wanted to be married), I was stressed out of my mind and getting a lot of criticism from friends and family. I called off the engagement, told him I wanted to date longer (awful process) and then 2 months later I called it off. We dated for 6 months total. The reason I ended up leaving was that I just didn’t feel excited to be married to him.
I just struggle because now I’m dating someone (m24) and I’ve been trying to search for reasons to break up with him. I’m the worst kind of person. I feel like I have some sort of attachment issue. I can’t tell if it’s that or the person just isn’t right for me.
I’ve just always thought that when you fall in love you’re excited, that the positive outweighs the negative, that you want to spend all your time with them. This hasn’t been my experience. It’s hard for me to make decisions because idk how to trust myself. I want to break the cycle and yet it’s almost already made up in my mind I don’t want to be with this person.
I’ve told my boyfriend about this (I’m working through these patterns), he is very understanding, I think maybe due to the fact that he told me he has anxious attachment. He is kind to basically a fault but is also very high stress.
Reasons I’ve wanted to break up have just been over things like quirks. Nothing major. I don’t feel like I’m able to joke with him a lot, that we have a different sense of humor.
I have a million more problems than he does and I hate that I hang these kinds of things over his head in my mind. I don’t feel any attraction but I’m not sure if it’s because of my own issues or if the relationship is wrong.