I am 30F, and been in a relationship with my partner 30M for over 10 years.
I have spent a lot of time growing in myself and doing a couple of things, on my own in the last 6 months, that I have never done but wanted to do, because I cannot wait for someone to do these things with me.
My relationship is not terrible in comparison to others at all and do think some of these things are extremely minor and I appreciate I will sound very spoilt, but I am wondering if I have sadly outgrown my relationship.
I long for a partner that cooks for me, he doesn’t, infact he can’t, he doesn’t know how, he was never taught and was always waited on hand and foot by his mother. He doesn’t offer to make me a cup of coffee, get me a drink. We don’t go out unless it’s something he wants to do. He doesn’t dress nicely, and sometimes I feel embarrassed to be around him. He’s booked holidays for us but he hasn’t considered my wants or needs in these, again it’s been because he wants to go. One of my absolute favourite things is live music. He never wants to go to concerts with me, but has booked to go to a concert with his friends. Naturally I was quite upset by this. He is also very immature.
There is no intimacy, there hasn’t ever been really except in the very beginning. He has always been interested in himself and his own enjoyments as opposed to what I want. He’s always said he never really liked sex, whereas I do. When we do, he is lazy. In all these years, he’s never made me climax. One time, he just lay there, sleeping, whilst playing with me. There was no other engagement. I do not enjoy what he does for sexual enjoyment, I have tried numerous times over the years but I cannot enjoy it at all. I have spoken to him about all of these things but he doesn’t change.
I will say things in jest infront of his family that I am unhappy with to see their reaction but they encourage it by laughing and saying ‘what is he like? He’s so funny!’ They can’t see any wrong especially his mother.
There are good things, he has always been a fantastic support, I’ve never faulted that. I am actually the bread winner in the relationship and probably wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for him. He cleans and does the housework, but only because he suffers with OCD and doesn’t trust me to do it to his standards. He does the gardening but again, this is because he enjoys it. And he does care for me.
And of course there are things that I do wrong, I work long hours, I am building a business, these long hours, to add are mainly out of choice because I don’t have anything else to do. I can be lazy and sometimes a little bit selfish and as previously mentioned I am not interested in his fantasies.
I think I will get responses to say, I am unhappy in myself, which I have identified and I am doing a lot to find happiness in myself but feeling I need a better connection? I keep wondering what if? One of my friends, did say I deserve more but I’m not sure I believe them and should just suck it up and accept this is life and relationships?
I am starting to think about babies, he says he doesn’t want them, but I am unsure if I would even want children with him.
I am so unsure about where to go with this and really unsure why I am asking people on the internet. Unbiased perspective I suppose.
I am surrounded by people in broken families and I know the impact it has had on me so my relationship was always the one thing I was proud of, but I also do not want regrets.
So I suppose my question is, have I outgrown my relationship? And what other experiences people have had in just outgrowing their relationship?
TL;DR: 30F in long term relationship with 30M. 30M doesn’t seem to be satisfying 30F wants and needs. Has the relationship been outgrown and now to deal with it?