I should preface this by saying this is probably going to rub people the wrong way (pun intended?) as this is pretty against the norm. I’ve been married for 8 years, we both hold a the same set of values and consider porn to be a form of adultery. (Not shaming anyone who uses porn, you do what you and your partner are okay with, this is just our agreed upon understanding). After we got married, like 2 weeks after, my husband tearfully confessed to me that he was addicted to porn, but has stopped since we got married. He kept this from me our entire relationship/engagement and felt he could tell me after we got married because biblically I was stuck with him now (his words). We are christians if you haven’t caught on by now. I forgave him and moved on right away the first time because I didn’t want to shame him for his struggle.
Here we are 8 years later and wouldn’t you know it, this is still an ongoing issue. I’ve caught him time and time again. He can’t stop betraying my trust and I can’t get a divorce. I basically have to just grin and bear this, forgiving him over and over. It’s extremely hurtful and it doesn’t get easier.
We started going to therapy for many issues but this was the biggest one. Over the years I have come to basically have no desire to have sex with him at all, but I still made efforts despite that. Initially we had sex a lot, but it has always been very one sided. I have probably “finished” 5 times total in our 10 year relationship, the constant betrayal doesn’t help with the desire to have sex either. Before anyone says that this is because we arent having sex enough, I have caught him with it when we were having sex 4-5 times a week sometimes multiple times a day. ANYWAYS, our physical intimacy has been next to nothing since we had our daughter a year ago up until 5 months ago when we started therapy. I’ve been initiating in sex 2-3 times a week because physical touch is my husband’s love language and our therapist recommended making an effort for sexual intimacy again. Only I have been initiating sex though, mind you. 2 weeks ago I told my husband it would make me feel good if he could tell me he loved me every once in awhile (hasn’t said it for years), or tell me I’m pretty, ask me how I’m doing, hug and kiss me, or offer a backrub… ANYTHING. I said it would help with my desire for physical intimacy because I feel so disconnected from him right now. He threw a whole fit about it and how I’m not even trying to meet HIS needs so why should he do that. That just pisses me off and now every time I initiate in this very one sided sex for him, I feel more and more resentful and have even more negative feelings surrounding it. I’m not asking for a lot here!!! I should be pursued every once in awhile. I’m not a roommate/sex buddy. I don’t know how to make him see my POV, if possible. He just seems so selfish. I have contemplated divorce a few times, but it just feels more real now. I never ever feel good in this relationship. I have brought up divorce once to my husband not as a threat but a strong genuine thought I was having, and he weaponized our faith and made me feel bad for even letting the thought cross my mind, even though he’s been consistently commiting his own sins this whole time. I’m just at a loss. I’ve come to a very dark place and I don’t know what to do.
6 comments
Please divorce this childish man
Yep divorce him and leave religion behind. You obviously see how it has caged you and forced you to be his sex doll. He certainly realizes what religion can do for HIM.
There’s a whole world out there where you can thrive and be a woman and mother *not* dependent on a man for your worth.
>I’ve come to a very dark place and I don’t know what to do.
Project forward 5 years… what do you want?
Once you have that in mind, moving forward looks clearer.
If divorce, fine.
If not…
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>I’ve been married for 8 years, **we both hold a the same set of values** and consider porn to be a form of adultery.
No, you don’t. Neither of you, but your husband far less so than you. But still, not even you.
Even saying “a form of adultery” alone tells the story. (As opposed to “and consider porn adultery”.)
If you had caught him in bed with 30 women over 8 years, you wouldn’t be here. Despite your no-divorce rule, you would’ve left him. (Or if he was sexting with 30 women over these 8 years. Or going out on romantic dates with 30 women over 8 years. Etc…) Right?
Porn is OBVIOUSLY a massive issue for you, so that’s where you’re going to need to explore and think and consider in a realistic way. Because if you can’t talk about it in a real way with yourself, you can’t ever bring it to him in an authentic way, either.
He lies and hides it from you (his religious, shaming wife) just like he lied and hid it from his religious, shaming mother. I’m not dogging your faith, you’re free to it, but I’m right about what he’s doing. You even use the same verb, “caught”, that his mother would use.
He hasn’t grown up… because he hasn’t been in any conditions under which to grow up.
Which is fine for you to hate, you can leave him and no one here (including me) will bat an eye at you, but if you want to still be in this marriage 5 years and not be resentful and miserable, you need to challenge yourself to question why you keep arriving in the same miserable place over and over.
Talk with him about it NOT from the perspective of a shaming mother, disappointed wife, or preacher.
You gotta leave
Plenty of Christians get divorced. No one even bats an eye at it anymore.
I’d strongly advise engaging a secular sex therapist and/or marriage counselor.
Believe it or not it may not be the porn that has killed the intimacy. It’s rarely one thing and most of the time it is a combination of variables.
Check out a book called “Rekindling Desire” by Barry McCarthy. There are usually 5 or more variables at play that kill intimacy. McCarthy respects all religions, faith, and cultures but also incorporates sciemce into how intimacy dies and how it can be rekindled.
At least give the book a try before you throw in the towel. You might be surprised.