This is a partial rant! I haven’t had the chance to talk about this, so some of this might be useless information that I’m just getting off my chest.
I met my best friend 5 years ago. He moved from California to New York, I was desperately trying to escape my family, we both needed roommates and we just became immediate friends. He recently decided he was going to move back to California, and I got talked into coming with him. We were going to be staying with his family until we found a place. We were going to be sleeping in their living room.
We didn’t have much stuff so we got it shipped and flew in. His sister picked us up at the airport, she yelled at him over the phone because he was giving bad directions. He made some joke about how I was about to meet his lovely sister, and then he said she’s kind of crazy. He told me I’ll like her, she’s cool and he hopes we’ll be friends, just not too close, not to date her or something. He says that he used to have a lot of friends that tried to get with his sister, and it always bothered him. I made a mental note and figured that was an easy enough boundary. Then she pulled up in her car with rust stains and a piece missing off the front and Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge playing loudly. She hugged my best friend and then waved at me, and she was easily the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. It was probably right then that I realized I liked her.
He actively encouraged us to talk, because she was a lot like me. We were polite with each other for a while, she inserted herself into hangouts a lot which I didn’t mind but my best friend hated. She followed him around like a puppy for the first few weeks and I thought it was cute. After a while we were more friendly, we’d smoke a lot of weed and watch anime, and that’s how we got close. Soon enough when my best friend was busy she was asking me to hang out. She takes me to the mall with her and makes me tell her what I think. She told me she doesn’t like shopping with me because I think everything is nice, even a sweater that made her look like the Lorax. She still invites me with her every time, and I still go.
Without fail, every single night, she gets water in the middle of the night. At first I’d wander in every once in a while as a “coincidence”, but it sort of became a routine eventually. I’d hear her shuffle into the kitchen, I’d get up, we’d talk for like 10 minutes and then go back to sleep. Last week we kissed, and almost had sex, but I had a panic attack and couldn’t go through with it and locked myself in the bathroom. She checked on me, gave me a popsicle, then went back to sleep.
My best friend has been trying to get me to go to bars with him to meet women, but I just haven’t wanted to. We used to do that all the time, but it doesn’t hit anymore. Honestly, I haven’t had sex since I’ve moved out here almost six months ago. I’ll go with him to bars, I’ll get hit on or be friendly, but I don’t want any other woman. I think it’s been subconscious because of how I feel about his sister, because honestly this is the first time I’m laying out my feelings. This could be lust, and part of me wants to see if it passes, but the feelings were always there anyway. Honestly, the thing that triggered me to not be able to stop thinking about her in a less than friendly way was about a month ago. We were in a hammock, smoking weed, everyone else was inside asleep, and she exhaled smoke in my mouth. It was the single most erotic moment of my life thus far. She sort of just laughed it off, but I was hooked immediately. Out of respect for my best friend, I went to bed after that. I already had feelings for her at that point, but that moment just sent me over the edge.
I’m down bad. BAD. Like never felt like this before bad. Her laugh is addictive. When she shows me her new nails I just want her to touch my chest. I’ve fully zoned out of conversations staring at her lips. My life has become gym, work, hanging out with her brother, and waiting to see her. We napped together in her bed yesterday; I bit her ear, and I groaned when I smelled her hair. Wtf is that? Who does that?? I don’t even realize what I’m doing when I’m doing it, she’s just a girl I’m really into, and then I realize she’s my best friend’s sister and I almost die on the spot. I literally have to run. The worst part is that I’m fairly certain she has feelings for me as well, but I can’t even talk to her about it without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt.
It’s been driving me crazy. My nails are bitten to the nub. Sneaking around is making me feel worse. My best friend and I have had passing conversations about people trying to get at his sister through him, and he seems genuinely upset about the concept. I love my best friend like a brother, and I’d never want to risk our friendship. I’m also completely crazy about his sister in a way that I have never felt before.
I really don’t know what to do, and I have no one to even talk about this with. I thought I’d ask why he doesn’t want people to date his sister but that seems obvious. She’s got it all, I’m sure she’s never lacked attention, and I’m also sure having your friends try to get at your little sister can be uncomfortable to say the least. I also wanted to see if there was another reason that I just didn’t know. I know he mentioned she was crazy, but I’ve only seen loud, sassy, argumentative, and bossy, none of which I hate. My best friend and I have good jobs and a good savings now, so we’ve been looking for places. I was also thinking wait until we move out and we’re away from his family to talk to him. With that being said the thought of not seeing her every day is making my stomach hurt. I kind of wanted to sit down with him and tell him I caught feelings for his sister, but I’m scared. I’ve never had a reason to believe he’ll pop off on me, and he and I have had plenty of less than pleasant conversations, so I would like to say I have no reason to be scared. This just feels different.
TL;DR
My best friend told me not to go after his little sister. Now I’m down bad for her. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him, but I can’t stop thinking about her.
Edit: clarity