So I (28F) been together in a relationship for a year with my boyfriend (30). For months I have been having serious doubts about whether to move forward with him. I find it hard to pinpoint what exactly makes me feel this way. I was wondering how people identify what their needs are in a relationship. Relevant background information I would like to add is that I have a combination of complex trauma and I’m on the autism spectrum, which makes me feel like I have a very wonky emotional compass. I have been going to therapy as well, but it is focused on childhood trauma’s not my relationship. I’ll add a list of reoccurring thoughts I struggle with in my mind:
– My partner has a long list of separate medical symptoms. It’s a tricky subject for us, because I feel very concerned that it might be connected together (I suspect ehlers danlos). My partner feels like I’m paranoid and has no intention to investigate the matter. Nor does he feels comfortable to talk about it.
– I want children, he doesn’t. We talked about it, and decided to give it some time. I don’t want to change his mind, nor have hope to do so, but I do want to give him some time to be sure.
– I feel like we have different perspective on what kind of lives we want to live. I find challenges myself intellectually and going outside (nature/culture) important. He’s very attached to staying inside. He enjoys reading and boardgames. Which I think are really nice hobbies, but if it was up to him we would be stuck to his couch every day. I feel like initiative to get away from the television, always comes from my side. I also feel intellectually lonely, if that makes sense.
– We both show signs of conflict avoidant behaviour. I have been working on my side together with a new therapist. I do notice that when I try to address issues with him, that it often feels like we get stuck in shallowness. I feel like he has a hard time identifying what he feels, and if he expresses any dissatisfaction, it usually is in the form of some sarcastic remark. I found the remarks funny in the beginning, but they’re concerning me currently.
– I do feel very emotionally supported by him, even spoiled, when I address certain external issues. He's an empathic person in that regard.
– He’s a physical beautiful man, but I haven’t felt comfortable being intimate with him for a long while. Even being kissed by him feels wrong for some reason. Any intimacy besides hugs or kisses I have denied for months. It just feels wrong.