I'm (25F) struggling to feel connected or feel anything towards my bf (24M) of 3 years. When we spend some good quality time, I feel close to him and loving. But otherwise, I struggle. I would say these are the main problems:

  1. Every couple of weeks, I have to urge him to search for jobs. He is currently unemployed, an aspiring big musical artist. He often begins thinking a job will be a waste of time for his ambitions. I also have artistic ambitions, but am more committed to being responsible for my livelihood. When we talk about this, he begins applying for some time, in a very committed way. He really believes in getting a job. But soon after, he gives up and stops.
  2. I feel like his mom trying to get him going again. This reduces my attraction for him.
  3. We come from very religious / strict backgrounds and live with our respective parents, who don't know about our relationship. This, plus a background of sexual abuse on my end, makes creating the appropriate space for physical intimacy very difficult.
  4. We struggle to find quality time. When we do, it's really really wonderful, but its lack really feels depriving. He cares enough about his ambitions that this doesn't bother him as much.
  5. He tells me he loves me all the time, but of the lack of physical intimacy, times he's spoken of finding certain other women extremely attractive, and my awareness that he watches a lot of porn, makes me feel like less than the object of his attraction. My insecurities become stronger.
  6. He's so focused on his art, he can be a bit absent minded about the relationship. For instance, not meeting or doing anything on my birthday, or planning any dates even though I've requested it.

Now, there are really good things as well. He really cares about other people. He really makes an effort to drive an hour each week to see me. When I bring up issues I see / changes I want to make in the relationship, he's amenable. He helped me prep for an interview for 2 hrs recently. Things like that. We're close friends along with being in a relationship.

I don't want to break up with him. I feel like Redditors say that so casually. I know that emotions are fickle. My love and apathy oscillate so hard that I lose sight of the other when experiencing one.

How can we improve our connection?

Tldr; My relationship with my bf has a lot of strengths, but unemployment, challenges with intimacy, low quality time, and some absent-mindedness has begun making me feel very apathetic towards him. What can we do about this to improve our connection?

Edit: I should say that there are moments I feel intensely loving as well, and I feel true romantic love from his end. Also I forgot to add that he did plan one date for me a few weeks ago after some requests and it was really nice. he said he has more on deck but idk when


Leave a Reply
You May Also Like