I (19M) have been dating my girlfriend (20F) for a little over a year. We actually don't really fight at all and we've never had an argument where we don't talk for days afterwards or something like that. I feel like we're an amazing fit for each other so this pattern of behavior isn't something that's an ongoing thing for her.
Long story short, I have an eating disorder. Many people don't know this, but guys can have eating disorders too and it sucks even more tbh. You don't get taken seriously, people tell you to just suck it up, etc. but I've been trying to get better. It doesn't help that I live in a country somewhat resistant to conventional medicine.
Anyways, these past few weeks every high school student here has been bombarded with exams, grades, worries about college, etc. including myself. I don't deal with stress very well and tend to relapse when it gets really bad, which it did. My girlfriend noticed a change in me, assumed it was because of the exams and was like, "Hey, you deserve a break, let's go out, I'll pay."
The bill came out somewhat expensive, especially for her since she's a college student from a household which already dealt with food insecurity throughout her childhood. She never really knew where her next meal was coming from during certain periods. Tbh I'm not exactly upper class either, but that was never a problem for me, so I offered to pay instead. She refused and said it would be rude to backtrack and I agreed.
The whole time, I felt like my head was going to explode because holy crap, the meal didn't look as big on the menu as it did in person. When it arrived I genuinely got scared, but since she already paid, I ate it. The whole time I had this horrible feeling everywhere, but tried to pretend like everything was fine.
I didn't look sick or anything and in hindsight I wish I would've faked food poisoning or something. I went to the bathroom, took too long and she ended up following me and opening up the door (the stalls weren't really stalls, more like smaller rooms if that makes any sense?). So, basically, she found me throwing up everything and trying to make myself throw up even more.
Her first reaction was that she was weirded out as hell. Like genuinely, the face of absolute disgust. She asked me what I was doing, why I was doing it, etc. and I tried to make up excuses about feeling sick and not being able to throw up on my own but she wasn't buying it.
I guess she put two and two together (my appearance, the fact that I don't seem to eat much of anything in front of her during certain periods, the fact that I go to therapy but just kept the reasons vague). I could tell she was somewhat mad but was basically like:
"So, you know you have a problem, you're going to therapy, but you still accepted the offer to go out and eat, picked an item that's not cheap and not small either, knew you were probably going to throw it up and still ate it, all while knowing where I grow up and what my childhood was like? You had this for a year and didn't even tell me? I would've understood if you took the time to tell me properly. I just wasted half a paycheck on this so you could throw it up? I could've given that to my parents." etc etc.
That made me feel like absolute crap. The rest of the night was complete silence, and I haven't been answering her calls for 2 days now. Idk I feel terrible because all of that was true. I feel like I should've insisted to pay. My attempt was half-hearted and I agreed that it would've been rude of her to backtrack then.
Maybe this is just messing with me but I feel like such a dishonest person. I knew if I told her at an appropriate time that she would've understood. I just couldn't bring myself to. I probably triggered her. She used to go hungry for days and wouldn't dream of not cleaning the plate, let alone throwing up food. Idk, I feel so guilty, and I'm ignoring her now out of my own shame. What should I even do in this situation?