Im very anxious and depressed because I'm worried about the idea of having crossed a boundary in my relationship with someone I really love. I need help working this situation out
I'm not exactly thrilled about sharing this but I have a thing for being watched when I'm "having fun". I have done this online in a chatroom which is made with this in mind, and it's not 1 on 1 for context. Its a place with mostly non sexual chat and people are free to cam nude or not. Back when I was single i was actively involved you could say, sexting on there and so on (not proud of it but I became addicted to sexting after a breakup, I find it cringe now as a result). Now that I'm in a relationship, my use was passive, I mostly didnt cam up and when I did I just thought of it as an outlet for this showing off kink I guess. No PMing interacting with anyone on cam, anything like that
While I was on cam people would sometimes PM me. I would somtimes passively reply, just saying thank you or a joke or whatever, paying it no mind honestly (it seemed harmless). I did sometimes answer questions but nothing I felt was crossing a line. I want to stress, I never initiated anything like asking anyone to get naked, never asked what they would do to me or any sexting just to be absolutely clear.
In my mind, what was happening sexually on the screen grid (multiple people streaming, not all sexual) was just porn. It felt passive. Last week, a person told me via pm she liked what she saw on my cam and she started flashing the room – I didn't encourage anything, I was passive like I said. They asked where I was from and stuff like that – I stupidly answered a question which was sexual in nature without thinking then immediately I was like 'no' and stopped what I was doing, it was like I 'woke up'. Should add I felt what they were saying was getting a bit much, telling that they were thinking about me doing things, so I ignored their PMs. She was clearly looking to have a sexy chat and asked me to do things on cam, and I chose not engage in it. I stopped replying, and I felt kinda weird so I turned off my camera. I obviously have no desire to go back to the site and I deleted my account entirely. I feel absolutely terrible. I will never, ever do something like this again, I have learned my lesson
I've had this on my mind and the anxiety and depression has just been getting worse, to the point now where it's pretty much debilitating and I just feel numb and exhausted, I'm not really living. I feel like I should bring this up to my girlfriend but I don't know how. Even thinking about what I'd say has been making me cry my eyes out. I value honesty over anything so I want to address this mistake with her. I have literally felt suicidal over this in the past week or so, worrying that I've ruined my relationship.
Please, I need advice on the best way to approach this
TLDR: I'm worried I crossed a relationship boundary while doing something I thought was harmless, I need advice on the next steps