I'm reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and I get to a chapter about Manson's Law of Avoidance;
“The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.”
And I'm suddenly more interested, then I read an example of his about an artist friend. This artist friend has dreams of putting their work online. They've been talking about it for years. The portfolio is there, the website is done, but it still hasn't launched. There's always some excuse about perfectionism. But the reality -probably- is that it's way scarier to be the Artist No One Likes than the Artist No One's Heard Of. And I realize how true that example is for me. I've been wanting to be a graphic designer for years, and I barely put in the work to practice. I practice some, but not seriously. And it dawns on me; I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of failure because I feel like I've failed at everything in life.
Then I think about my identity. Aren't I humble? Then I realize how sometimes I scared when I feel I'm losing a discussion that's more intellectual. Everybody thinks I'm cultured and well-read, but maybe I'm not. And I ask, so what if I'm not? And I realize maybe I have nothing going for me. I'm not social, I'm not particularily funny, people always mock me for not being social. I'm not particularily attractive or strong or tall. I've been having health issues recently which sometimes make my manners bad. So, what if I'm not cultured either?
And I'm realizing that, maybe, I don't deserve to be loved. I know some things don't make sense if I heard them from someone else, but the feeling is real. If I'm nothing, if I'm neither smart nor social, then why would people want me? Or respect me? I've rarely succeeded in my life. I hated being awful at work, and there's no doubt the environment is shit, but what if I just got what I deserved and that I'm a failure, and it wasn't favoritism or helping the the people they liked.
I realize that maybe that's why I sometimes worry that my daughter might just not love me when she grows up. What is there's nothing to love? What if I'm just a lesser man? Maybe my kids only love me because they're young.
I don't know if this is too heavy. I just read the part and it made me think and I had to get it out. I think I realized my doubts about my identity a few years ago, but I wasn't very concious about something very simple. I don't think I can honestly say that I love myself.