My boyfriend (30m) and I (26f) were having a conversation last night about what husband and wife duties are and what we expect out of each other. We’ve been together for 3 years and have had the conversation of marriage. We want to be together and he works diligently daily trying to set us up for the next steps.
we are in a very traditional relationship and I want to end up being a stay at home mom and taking care of the house
I asked him last night if he could explain to me what he thought husbandly duties were. He said providing, security, and keeping me safe. I explained to him what I thought wife duties were. I told him cooking, cleaning, laundry, supporting his decisions, and satisfying his needs.
My mom had made a comment to me the other day about how I’m constantly doing wifely duties but he still hasn’t proposed. I explained to her that he is trying to secure us a loan for a house so he can propose. He has told me the house is part of the proposal. This is something he always wanted before proposing. I trust him and his process but my mom keeps saying he needs to put a ring on it.
He then asked me did I feel like I was not fulfilling husband duties. I explained to him that I am doing everything a wife would be doing but he isn’t doing everything a husband would be doing. I cook for him, I do his laundry, i support every decision he makes, I make sure my apartment is clean and comfortable for the both of us. (He still lives at home and doesn’t pay rent). I then explained to him that he doesn’t provide, there isn’t security and he can’t keep me safe because we don’t live together yet. I pay all of my bills, rent, car payment, gas etc. I have never had a problem with where we are and I still don’t. I enjoy doing every wifely duty for him because I love him and I want to spend my life with him. i also do these things because I see all of his efforts and I appreciate everything he does do for me. I also told him that we aren’t in the position for him to fulfill his husband duties yet. Yes I’m doing wifely duties but that’s because I want to.
I definitely hurt his feelings and made him feel like he isn’t doing enough but he truly cannot do anything more than what he is already doing. He cannot provide a place for us both to live because he is saving his money for a down payment on a house. It does not make sense for us to move in together and he pay half when he can take that money and save it especially since I have a roommate. He can’t provide 100% security because once again, we don’t have a place together. His husband duties right now are to set us up for life to get to a point where I don’t have to work and I can do exactly what I want- raise and love our babies and take care of a home.
He’s definitely been distant today in our communications and it’s my fault. I don’t know what to say to him to make him feel better. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. What do I do?
TL;DR – I hurt my boyfriend’s feelings and made him feel like he isn’t doing enough. He said I made him feel like I don’t believe in him. He’s been distant in our communications today and I don’t know what to say to him to mend this. What do I do?