Help me out people. My wife and I have sex often, like 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I love to give her a nice time and foreplay has become something we enjoy a lot and can last a while. Also I am thankful that she gives herself to me as often as she does and I make sure to express that. I also try never to make her feel bad or anything to the best of my ability.
But 9/10 times I'm left rock hard with her wanting to sleep and it's only 10PM! She won't help me out and if I convince her to then she will get irritated and start complaining how tired she is which totally makes me go soft.
I never heard of a woman doing this type of thing and can't find anyone asking a similar question anywhere.
I usually say it's ok (trying not to rock the boat and ruin the sex we do have by making a big deal) and end up quietly putting my clothes on and saying goodnight with this horrible feeling of still being super horny & unfulfilled. The feeling of shutting the bedroom door and standing there in the half-dark hallway feeling like I was betrayed and abandoned.
No little kids anymore and she loves her full time job which generally isn't that exhausting since she has time to be on Facebook a lot at work which is desk work. She gets 9.5 hours sleep from 9:30/10PM to 7:45AM alarm every single night so it's not like she is super tired. Weekends she sleeps 14hrs usually, having gone to bed same time but sleeping in til 11am/1pm.
We've talked about it and she feels really horrible she says, but me asking her to get me off after sex when she is finished is like pulling teeth. I've even said a few times something like, "Honey, I am still so horny and look at me how hard I am . . . . do you really want me to leave like this?". I try not to push things, though, during the moment because it can escalate into arguing about things.
I want to know if anyone else experiences this? Is this something in a relationship that is cruel and is she being super selfish? Or am I supposed to just act like I'm doing fine when I feel so horny on fire and want to find another woman to have sex with frankly; as fast as possible. We have talked about it together and she feels expresses she feels bad. She says, but I can't understand why a woman would let her man leave the bedroom so horny like that. I have not cheated on her and don't plan to, but I have started leaving the house; going out gambling at local bars and shaking it off that way, but it's also led to me often jacking off for hours into the night and building resentment inside. She has let me take videos of us so I can jerk off to her, which is kind of her since she hates being filmed naked.
Do men divorce their wife for stuff like this and it is that caliber of such a cruel thing that most men would? I mean having intercourse, rock hard, she is cumming and cumming and then suddenly full stop and "Leave me alone I want to sleep."
Take last night for example. Hot tub sex and she was sooo turned on! After 2 minutes she cums a few times. At 6 minutes I am over-exhausted due to hot water making me over-heating and so I come out for a little breather. I say, "Let's take this upstairs". She says, "Sorry, I'm too tired.".
Any advice for me?
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Day 2
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Gonna post more info. Started replying to someone and it turned into this:
And it’s Friday night again. 😔 9:45 PM I am in the backyard wrapping up and she text me: “Hey, I know it’s early or kind of late but I came in the garage. I wanted to say good night to you. I see you are in the garden shed?”
What a drag! &( Again like every Friday night and I just don’t get why she isn’t wanting to spent some time together.
Could be insanely tired I suppose
I just don’t get it. She IS probably really tired yet it’s almost like she wants to have her little Friday night party to herself and get as drunk as she likes, or something, without me “getting all mad” she has put it before, times in the past. And from the backyard, yup, the lights are still on up in the master bedroom and bathroom. So obviously she is just relaxing and saying goodnight is kinda her way of telling me she wants her space… I was just looking forward to spending a cuddle moment together today but I feel like she ducked out early and is either:
1) Truly exhausted and is in fact sleeping. It’s 10:39PM right now. I checked and her windows look dark.
2) Cheating again. She has scheduled like a pattern and has that time slot each evening in the week but doesn’t alter it for the weekend where she gets Saturday and Sunday to sleep in until noon or 1 and does almost every single weekend. That would be the perfect time to have a secret conversation right?
I mean there have been times recently when hanging out up there in the late evening kinda made her ansi and she tried to shoo me out it almost seemed like. She is super smart and the two cyber affairs she was caught having (by me) had some sneaky shit going on. But, she did things in the same time slots, but I don’t go to bed typically until 3 or 4am sometimes. Half the time I just simply can’t sleep horny next to someone who I was just fucking and didn’t cum fully functional and erect! It’s like agreeing to go playing golf with a boss who didn’t pay you your last paycheck. Or like sitting next to someone who just lied to you.
And she acts so tired and moans and shields her face when I am getting my clothes on from the little closet’s light, which I have mastered to slip in like a ninja and hit the outside light switch quietly with my hand just before the door silently closes encapsulating me in the tiny room with hanging clothing up against the wall in all sides making me feel like I’m in a separate world for a few seconds. Kinda safe and untouchable. Out of the office. Under the radar. Tucked away. But the clock ticks.
Sometimes I stand there in the little closet right after sudden stop mid thrust and rejected and I’m seconds from having one which seemed like seconds 3 minutes ago, but there in the closet I usually give it one last chance but the clock ticks and after 30 seconds or so I just cover my head with my hands, kneel down, saying, “fuuuuuuck!”, under my breath. I admit more than a few times I cried in that closet but couldn’t raise my voice to let the sobs come out because she would hear and the, “Thanks, that was so nice, babe” which I just bumbled out (in truth really because it was dang hot lmty!) would seem fake and she would ask what’s wrong and I would be like it able to keep it together and she would feel horrible and sex would be more awkward so I don’t let it be a thing but I know she feels it and she seems to really not be able to control it and sometimes I feel her sadness. So I usually am thankful for what I got. 43yrs is not young but not quite old and I have a lot of life left. But I got a super model and cute personality with these qwerks so it ain’t all bad. And sex is so enjoyable all the things we do.
But it just sorta hits raw spots inside and breaks those raw spots down over time. Like my self confidence. I begin to let it be accepted and normal and then it can be fine for a year, two, 5, but after 22 years married and feeling like my other half isn’t into me really, I gotta get that shit together and become more confident.
On the flip side I’m a romantic and optimistic …I’m the guy who just wrote a song for my girl, just a few weeks ago, lyrics and guitar, expressing being madly in love again. I need to sense that my woman loves me exclusively, faithfully and enjoyably where she wants to be together, be open, be creative, talk about things actually for a little while and not just a few main things until it touches certain areas where need to defend, deflect and blame arises. When I sense that she loves me that is enough for me. When I sense the opposite then I’m all messed up. When we get home from work it should be natural to have a nice long hug because it’s like a drink of water after tromping through the wilderness. When I hear some news that is sad or incredible then I’d want to go to her first and she to me be she we have this friendship and attraction and whole 2nd language that her and I only know is what it’s like. Rich and beautiful. Deep and wide. Years of molding into each other for the good and the bad.
So advice to just let it go and to leave her and stuff, yeah let me ask you if you really wish you had your first wife back and she and you had it pretty good. Wouldn’t you want that? Wouldn’t you compromise a bit? You wouldn’t duck out so quickly if you have what I have and feel the way I feel towards her I bet. So while I always know that is an option, unless she is betraying me then there is no way I would leave. TIL death do us part, remember?
I wish I could talk to her like an adult without her getting offended and become sulky and then ending with “I don’t want to talk about it any more”.
But I like my space too and hate being stifled and don’t want to be that guy to her.
Cheers to Friday night!
Oh by the way, if you reply and say you go to bed at 9:45PM Friday night too and Saturday night too as if to make it seem more normal, then I refuse to believe that you have a life. I mean people get tired like that usually when they are bored and repeat until it’s a cycle. But when I take my honey out then we usually end up back around 11:30 or midnight and my wife still wants to stay up and drink her wine and relax. Does going out make you able to stay up longer? Well yeah I think so.
But using logic, if she is simply utterly exhausted Friday and Saturday nights and needs to go to bed both days at 9:45PM or 10PM always….as a rule….and sleeps in until 1pm almost every single Saturday and Sunday (maybe 4/5th of the time) … and I come to bed later, wake earlier and often don’t make it at all if I’m upset, sad, too busy with work
… then could she be talking with someone she is in love with and I’m just a means for a roof and easy preparations comfortable transition? Like since it’s convenient to have me around, like, well today I spent 3 hrs outside working hard sweating doing yard work making the outside look decent and took our son to school and later on back (like I do everyday) , plus more, I mean things would get downright uncomfortable if anything shakes the roost so to speak. And that is precisely why it would be too inconvenient to be done yet??
Or she is a functioning alcoholic (500ml wine) on her “cutting down” days which I give her credit (1 bottle would be able normal each evening otherwise) maybe has depression so life is dull (maybe from her Effexor anti depressant) and she would rather sleep like depressed people like to do. But she says she is not depressed. She says, “I just don’t want to think about anything anymore and am going to go to bed.” That’s one of the things she says like exactly.
Sigh, last night we held each other and I know I wrote about it in the comments too, but thanks guys! Lots for sure and hard to get through, but some of your advice I tried and it worked like the edging suggestion and the refusing to let her get hers til I have mine mindset. It was a toss up though because though the pt sex lasted longer for about 20 minutes, I couldn’t really move much because I was having to slow it down and suddenly stop when she got that look, then continue and keep it that way. Super good suggestion though and super fun and then she just all of a sudden had to get up to pee and I looked down at the wet spot and saw that she actually did orgasm as I was a fraction of a second too late one of those times and we laughed about that. It was freakin awesome. Well when she came back and we started again and I was almost there with like goosebumps kinda feeling but dammit I just gave up after sweating on her and starting to get in my head about how she was not liking it.
You know when you can see those micro expressions and body language that’s says “I’m done this is taking too long”….well I got those signals and it was turning me off. But I did take your advice and tried various things after officially saying, “hey that was so great babe, let me stop though because this isn’t going anywhere.” And I can tell your at that point”, like her laying down on her back and face against my dick or suck my balls or dick and I was like at that point where you know it’s gonna be massive. I even went kinda wild and asked her if she liked my dick in her throat and she said she just had to gag reflex and can’t do that. I feel like that is what I wanted in that moment but her refusal which is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE it made it worse … and I did not push to make it happen like a jerk but just focused on the next thing and it was really really good sex even a little more longer with her having another o but after 5 minutes she was getting so tired and I get that. I mean when I cum then I’m legit not interested in sex at all but still find her body erotic and beautiful and don’t mind going down at all (if I get that chance where she wants more which has happened but very few times. )
Think about the fact that she actually did all that for me and tried. That is something not every guy gets to have.
I mean every guy doesn’t need to have an orgasm every time right?
I did blow my load easily right afterwards in my office, and pretty quick too like 7 minutes. Did that … by looking at porn and thinking about her and what we just did. So that kinda cancels out a lot of illness related reasons and maybe promotes the gut which tells me that she is hiding something.
Feel like a dumbass perusing through her phone or chats but fool me once, fool me twice … third time I couldn’t do it again I don’t think. I tried really hard to find something randomly a few times the last months and she was totally fine handing me her phone. Found nothing.
Apologies for my phone probably fucking some words grammar or whatever, and that is what the edit button is for later. It’s 11:42pm now shit. [edited version it’s freaking 12:52 right now]
I know I have a bunch of comments cuz I didn’t check Reddit today yet. It was a really busy day and when I got home after dinner we had a birthday party for my 14-year-old son. He enjoyed the cake and the trick candles that constantly came back to life but smoked out the dining room. She seems totally exhausted and I feel bad but I don’t feel right about it being all the time.
Ever have something done to you that at first is uncomfortable but then you grow into expecting it .. and then it’s just a normal after a while.
It’s like in a relationship we sorta build our own world around someone or some group or thing .. and then after we have “molded to it”, you could say, then to remove it would be very uncomfortable. I think it can be that way and that is why some people don’t leave, but I believe that my wife changed when she started taking antis (Effexor) and drinking. So I believe that is part of the reason for many things and therefore the reverse would be a fix for many things.
What do you think?