Editing to add ages since apparently I’m in violation of a rule despite providing most of this information in the body of the post: Me, 32F; Jane, 26F; Mom, 65F; Sarah, late fifties. Relationship length between me and Jane and our mom and Sarah is equivalent to our ages; relationship between my mom and Sarah is equal to Sarah’s age, which I do not know exactly.
My mom last updated her will in 2015 shortly after my father died, when I was fresh out of college and my younger sister (Jane) was a minor. Her current will names her youngest sister (Sarah) as her executor and medical decision-maker and grants significantly more money ($80K) to my sister to help her with school.
My mother has repeatedly indicated her current wishes are that I (now 32) act as executor and medical decision-maker and that her estate be split equally between Jane (now 26) and me, as Jane has now been in school for several years without graduating. Mom has been in several fights with Sarah and is barely on speaking terms with her.
The problem is that I cannot get my mom to update her will. She has several chronic health issues and while only in her mid-sixties, I do worry sometimes that she will die sooner rather than later. This woman has gone into surgery multiple times in the past five years and has refused to update her will at all. Jane is very “money grubby” with my mom and often makes financial requests. Jane also has OCD that manifests as hoarding so there would be no way for me to manage the estate without taking her to probate so I could sell the house, my mom’s vehicles, etc. My mom is also a hoarder so she hadn’t cleaned out the house at all. Basically most of her assets are tied up in physical goods.
An additional frustration is that my mom is very active — she volunteers a lot, takes her friends to medical appointments, etc. All she needs to do is set aside a couple hours with the same lawyer who wrote the will in the first place, but she won’t do it.
On top of all this, I’ve been waiting for a few years to legally change my first name because if I can’t get her to update her will to remove Sarah, how can I get her to update my name? (ETA: as in, update my name in her will — obviously I do not need her permission to change my name). This worries me because I’m scared I won’t have access to my mom or her accounts in a medical emergency where I’d need to visit her, pay her mortgage and bills, etc.
Any advice on getting through to my mom on these issues? I have told her that as her will stands Sarah will have all medical and financial power.
I have also considered telling her that I am no longer going to take her to medical appointments or surgeries and she will need to involve Sarah because she is the named medical decision-maker. Sarah is a six hour drive away and between that and not talking to Sarah it’s likely my mom would get her friends to take her instead but it is an option.
Editing to add: There seems to be a perception that my mother does not want me to have medical power of attorney or to act as an executor. I can see where you are coming from in thinking that might be the case with this post, so here are a few additional clarifying details:
- On my 25th birthday my mother handed me a folder with the passwords to her computer and bank accounts, copies of her vehicle titles and Social Security Card, etc. and told me she specifically changed passwords at all financial institutions so Sarah could no longer have access to those accounts. She felt that at 25 I was a more “settled” adult and could now execute her estate, and this was in line with family tradition — her father also changed his executor from his sister to his eldest child on that child’s 25th birthday. I was not the initial executor of her estate because she did not want to put me in the difficult position of saying “no” to my then-minor’s sister’s financial requests and wanted the estate executor and my sister’s guardian to be the same person. I never took issue with this and frankly appreciated it because my younger sister is a really difficult person.
- She has told her friends that she no longer wants Sarah to make financial or medical decisions on her behalf and would instead want that power to lie with me, her eldest daughter. She has also mentioned to them that she specifically does not want my sister involved in executing her estate because she imakes selfish financial requests.
- She’s looped me in on end-of-life care planning, her desired funeral arrangements, etc. She told her friends and me that she does not want my sister involved in medical decisions because my sister’s religious beliefs conflict with my mom’s desires to not be on life support for an extended period of time.
- After my sister’s education costs exceeded $80K, my mom told me she felt we’d been treated equally in terms of education costs and that she no longer wants any additional money from her estate to go to my sister. She specifically noted she was telling me this so I could execute her estate properly. At my request she sent this to her attorney in an email; her attorney responded with the note that they’d need to update her will to reflect this change and to list me as the executor. This is when I found out she hadn’t actually updated her legal documents to reflect the desires she expressed on my 25th birthday.
- Whenever something changes she gives me an updated copy of any related documents. When her credit card expired, she gave me the updated credit card number. When she paid off her car I received an updated copy of the vehicle title to reflect she owns it in full. When she bought a new lawn mower she gave me the receipt so I knew the value of the asset for the estate.
TL;DR: My mom cannot be assed to set aside two hours or less to change three sentences in her will that would reflect her current wishes, which she expresses frequently.