Me (21M) and my girlfriend (21F) just recently moved into our first apartment after a year and I’m running into an issue. I normally don’t get home from work until around 10:30pm every night. After I get home I like to eat and wind down for the night and fall asleep around 12 or so. My girlfriend by this time is usually asleep because she works early and wakes up at 5am every day.
The issue is that every morning when she gets up and does her morning routine she turns on all the lights and doesn’t make any attempt at being quiet at all. This results in me being waken up with at most 5 hours of sleep every morning and once I’m up I have a hard time going back to sleep. Once she’s all done she’ll come to me and ask me to make her breakfast and chill with her before she leaves for work. With the lack of sleep and also not really being a morning person this all just puts me in a bad mood and I’m not really sure how to deal with it.
Whenever I try to bring this issue up to her she complains that she has no where else to get ready in the morning and has to turn the lights on to see and that most of the breakfast foods I make for her she doesn’t know how to make. She also feels that we don’t spend enough time together so she wakes me up in order to get at least a little time together throughout the day. For context, I only work part time while going to school so any day I have off is spent with her after she gets off work and we spend weekends together as well. Am I being selfish/unreasonable for wanting to sleep in the morning without being woken up by her routine and need for a little time together?
TL;DR Girlfriends morning routine wakes me up every morning even when she knows I don’t get home until late every night and relies on me to make her breakfast afterwards, preventing me from getting the amount of sleep I need.
44 comments
If you have a 1 bedroom apt, she can get ready in the living room. If you have a studio, she can get ready in the bathroom with the door closed. She can’t make herself food? Is she a child? Waking someone up every morning when you know they need to sleep is cruel- it doesn’t sound like she cares very much about you.
Her intentionally waking you up is very messed up and you no need to put up a firm boundary that that is no longer tolerated.
The other part of this is simply you guys need to sleep in different rooms, your schedules are so far off that unless you want to be woken up everyday, you’ll need to make alternate sleep arranegments.
Either have separate bedrooms or get a different girlfriend who is not so inconsiderate
Your GF isn’t accidentally waking up while trying to get ready. She’s being purposefully selfish and forcing you to operate on five hours of sleep.
Which will, *literally*, drive you insane. It’s not enough sleep for the vast majority of humans.
Depending on the layout of your space, she may need some lights on, so get a sleep mask and let her know this has to stop. It’s not a conversation, it’s a clear boundary: You can’t be healthy in a relationship with someone who purposefully wakes you up at 5:30 am every day. You may consider, looking at your schedule and see if there is a day or two when you can wake up and have breakfast together, but if not, be clear about that. This needs to stop.
Your relationship won’t last if her behaviour doesn’t change. Really that simple. You’re not a saint. You’ll snap.
Sounds like there are two problems here: 1) getting your girlfriend to acknowledge that your sleep and time is as valuable as hers, and 2) the logistics of how to make early morning activities less bothersome to you.
You didn’t say what kind of apartment you had. I’m going to assume it’s a 1b/1b with the bathroom accessible from a hall or off a room that is not the bedroom.
I’ll take the 2nd issue first:
1. Ask your girlfriend to put her outfit + shoes together the night before, so she’s not creating a lot of noise in your bedroom or closet trying to get ready. Have her hang her outfit on the back of the bathroom door or literally anyplace that is not your bedroom where she can put a hook up.
2. You can buy plug-in, colored LED lights. I use these in my bathrooms and they last forever. I don’t like turning on bright lights when I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, so I turn these on and they’re very mild on my eyes, while still letting me see enough to do what I need to do. Get those for your bedroom.
3. Youre the one who gets in really late, so it’s your job to make the bed such that her moving the covers doesn’t disturb you. Figure out some options for how to fold sheets to be on half of the bed and a separate sheet on the other. You’ll need to play with this a bit.
4. Do you have carpeting? If not, put down some runners or area rugs to minimize noise from foot traffic. You can get this stuff cheap, sometimes for free if you’re willing to clean a used rug.
5. I don’t know what you’re cooking, but if it’s common western breakfast food your GF should be able to cook it herself. If it’s super unusual ethnic food, then take a Sunday and teach her how to cook a meal or two. I don’t like feigned helplessness in the kitchen from men, so your GF doesn’t get a pass here either. She’s an adult, and adults can cook their own food.
I get that your GF wants to spend more time with you, but letting you go to work on 5 hrs of sleep when you need more, especially when she gets a full night of sleep is unfair. You have some disjoint schedules right now but that will not be the case forever — unless one of you is planning to go into a career that requires odd working hours. You need to have another convo about how you’ll spend other time together and be present for each other during weekends. If your GF still does this passive-aggressive routine then don’t enable it. If she wakes you up at 5am, you do not get up and cook breakfast or do things to cater to this behavior. You stay in bed, even if you can’t fall back asleep. You have to assert some boundaries here.
Your girlfriend strikes me as someone who’s a bit immature and lazy. I doubt she’d like you waking her up at midnight, so she should be able to see how this behavior is unhelpful and needs to change. Good luck!
Myself and my partner are in similar routines. I get up at 5am most days – however I will get ready in the bathroom/spare room, and if I’m up earlier I will sleep in a separate room (my decision not his).
However I would never ever wake him for breakfast – this seems very inconsiderate, as does getting ready in the bedroom with all the lights on.
Relationships are about compromise but only getting 5 hours of good sleep will have a terrible effect on you long term. Seems like you need to have a conversation with her and if she cares about you I am sure she can get ready in the bathroom and not drag you out of bed for breakfast EVERY single day?
Oh man.. my wife and I have fairly opposite schedules too, and she used to do this as well (minus the waking me up to make her breakfast part.. that’s just ridiculous). I used to wear a sleep mask that also had built in headphones that would play white noise in my ears, and so it wasn’t much of a problem until I finally just got a little too annoyed by having that thing on my face all night.
So she finally discovered the magic of the iPhone flashlight at my behest. She also has learned the art of not stomping around on her heels, and I’m grateful for that.
But yeah that breakfast thing is absurd. She should definitely figure out how to make her own breakfast or just eat cereal or something. That’s some impressively entitled behavior. Just politely tell her this system isn’t working and at the very least, simply tell her “no” the next time she asks you to make her breakfast
She sounds inconsiderate. I could *maybe* understand waking you up as she’s moving about in the morning getting dressed but to ask you to wake up and make her breakfast…??? Absolutely not. She needs to watch a video/go to a cooking class/simply watch you next time you cook so she can learn. That’s wild to me. I love and need my sleep and I’d be furious if this was happening to me.
My husband and I had this issue. I plan my outfit the night before, leave makeup/hairbrush/everything I’ll need in the bathroom or hallway, make a quick cereal bowl or toast in the morning, and he never even notices that I’m gone until he wakes up.
Your girlfriend sounds unreasonable and selfish if she’s unwilling to accommodate your sleep needs.
Tell her to wait up for you in the evening when you get back from work if she wants to spend more time with you.
Ok so you could show her what it’s like for you by waking her up at midnight when you come to bed. Because you want to spend more time with her.
You could meal prep breakfast so she can just microwave things, breakfast burritos sounds like a good plan.
You could sleep in another room
You could unscrew all the lights and replace them with low watt lights.
You could move her stuff (work clothes) to the living room closet and buy a vanity for the living room so she has a place to get ready.
Work on changing shifts because this isn’t something that will ever go away.
Sleep in an eye mask but I’ve never been able to so good luck
Its going to one of two ways here.
Your girl friend is either going to take your complaint seriously of her waking you up unnecessarily (i.e. what everyone else has listed, get the clothes out the night before, using her phone light to navigate in the early morning) to do the things she needs to do in the room without waking you.
Or
She doesn’t take it seriously and you tell her that your not going to be with someone and deal with that the rest of your existence(which will extend far beyond just this issue, trust me) so your done with the relationship and your going to leave as her negligence shows a lack of empathy and is unhealthy for you.
If she doesn’t change her patterns it shows she doesn’t take you seriously or care and I’d dump her ass faster than i wrote this message.
Some of it can’t be helped without getting a second bedroom, but asking you to get up to make her breakfast is wild and incredibly selfish.
My boyfriend wakes up earlier than me for work and is quiet as a mouse so I can get my beauty sleep. Sometimes he’ll walk all three dogs in the morning so I can sleep in. That’s love. Your girlfriend sounds inconsiderate and selfish.
If you’ve already talked to her and she’s ignored you, my petty ass would make AS MUCH NOISE as possible to make damn sure she is awake from 10:30pm to midnight. You get no sleep in the mornings? She gets no sleep in the evenings. Ask her to make you a night snack. If she asks why, tell her you don’t think k you spend enough time together and you can’t make good snacks like she can.
Wow she’s horrible?? What a spoiled brat. I don’t know how you would “talk out” the fact that she is doing this on purpose and has no consideration for you.
I’m almost 20 years older than you.
it took me 10 more years than your age for me to realize that I quite simply will not be in a relationship with, nor live with, folks who cannot respect my sleep hygiene.
And I don’t have unreasonable requests, it’s quite simple really.
IF you see me sleeping, LEAVE me alone.
surprisingly, that is a tall order for a lot of potential dating partners.
I’m happily married today, my wife sleeps and I leave her alone, I sleep and she leave me alone. It’s a simple thing really, but younger me would beg/plead/try so hard to get a partner that refused to understand, to understand.
Somewhere in my 30’s I just decided to stop being around folks, or dating folks who didn’t give basic body autonomy respect towards me.
IF she can’t respect your sleep, it’s absolutely a good reason for you to respect yourself and break up with her.
I know that might sound drastic, but is it really such a hard thing to ask someone to let a sleeping dog lie? if they refuse that basic level of respect to another, why are you fucking bothering with them?
This is very unfair on you, she can always make a small space to get ready in the morning outside of the room, used to share a room with my older sister when we were kids and I would always leave my uniform in our living room and got ready there.
All she has to do is fold her clothes the night before and get ready in the bathroom?I’m sure you guys have somewhere else to watch tv she could use the plugs there if she needs to do her hair, bathroom would also have a mirror for her to use. This can easily be done by her without any fuss.
>she has no where else to get ready in the morning and has to turn the lights on to see
What, you don’t have a separate bathroom with a door?
>
most of the breakfast foods I make for her she doesn’t know how to make
What, she’s never heard of YouTube?
She sounds supremely selfish. She’s depriving YOU of sleep so SHE gets what she wants. She also has the option to deprive herself of sleep, except for the fact that she’s a spoiled princess. Good luck with remediating that.
Very selfish on her part. I had a job where I had to get ready at 3:30am for a 5 am start time and I was always cautious to not disturb my partner. I would put out my clothes and bring everything into the bathroom to change with the door closed so the light wouldn’t bug him. If in needed to see around the room I’d use the flashlight on my phone, the max a lamp. Waking you up to chat and make her breakfast is insanely selfish. She needs to grow up and learn to cook for herself.
My husband is awake at 4am and asleep by 830pm. I’m awake at 7am and asleep between 11pm-1am depending on paperwork backlog. We are considerate of one another when someone is asleep. We have a child and I try to be considerate of his sleep as well. When we first moved in with one another I had 3 jobs and worked long hours every day- my husband (then boyfriend) sometimes worked overnights and overtime so we hardly ever had time together. He never woke me for silly things, though. He can cook, he can amuse himself. I can’t imagine my husband waking me up to “spend time” with me or cook him breakfast. I don’t think your girlfriend is ready for living with a partner TBH.
There are things like overnight oats, meal planning, and frozen meals for a reason. I cannot emphasize enough that *she should be meal planning* and prepping her food and clothing the night before. She can get ready in the bathroom. You’d do best to invest in earplugs and an eye mask.
Your girlfriend should learn to feed herself. My teenager has been doing this for years. If she’s 21 and can’t figure out toast and eggs, you have worse trouble than her being an oblivious brat.
Time to kick her out, school and work is more important and you can’t do any of those right unless you get a good nights sleep! Tell er to start packing!
You need sleep. Plain and simple. Have to rework the schedule so it works for both of you, thru the art of compromise.
> most of the breakfast foods I make for her she doesn’t know how to make
She’s 21. Can she not pour herself a bowl of cereal?
Jeez, how selfish of her. How is this any different than if you woke her up at night to cook dinner for you?
My bf and I only have a bedroom to get ready in and I still find a way to get ready without waking him up. I use a small light to do my make up and I go in the walk in closet to blow dry my hair 🤣 she’s just being inconsiderate and I would never purposely wake him up to spend time with me ..so strange. I’m also 12 years older than yall so it just be a maturity thing.
She makes you make her breakfast? So what did y’all do before you moved in together? Did you have to commute to her place to make her food every morning?
She dismisses the main issue with every single argument…. She doesnt care to ruin your day as long as she has company before leaving for work.
– “She needs to look for things”, which can easily be resolved by placing things in a certain place the night before.
– “She doesnt know how to make that breakfast”, she expects you to cook for her every single day? Why she doesnt learn?
– “She wants to spent time with you” Which is fine, but 5am everyday? Maybe an hour before leaving at least?
Stop this because she is not considering your time at all.
Wow this is insanely inconsiderate, I wake up at 5 am most days sometimes 4 because I work early mornings and I never turn on any lights unless it’s the bathroom light and I be sure the door is completely closed before I do, I also only turn the small kitchen light on after I close the bedroom door. I am sometimes clumsy and i’m not always the quietest (not on purpose) but I try my hardest to be super quiet because messing with someone’s sleep like that is a form of abuse
She’s not your GF, OP. She’s your teenager. You need to level some harsh truths at her pronto:
– being able to feed herself is just adulting 101
– sleep is basically the single most important thing for your health
– she’s incredibly selfish and deserves to be single if she can’t figure out these basics
I think I’ve been single too long if I find behavior that most people deem unacceptable as entirely endearing. Although I’m sure after a few times I’d be just as grumpy as OP.
Wake her up when you get home from work. Ask her to come out to the living room and hang out. Keep turning on the lights until you get to your bedtime. I think she’ll get the idea
I think that she wants to feel your presence. She wants to feel your love/attention. Is she going about doing this the right way? Perhaps not. But I’ve made this mistake before – when I got mad at a gf for essentially wanting my attention and my reassurances that I care about her. Perhaps you can have a conversation about how you can build some time into both of your schedules in a way that doesn’t impact your sleep schedule.
Have her lay out her clothes somewhere other than the bedroom, doing makeup and hair in bathroom w door closed, she can make her own breakfast( what did she do before you lived together?). Spend QUALITY time together which isn’t when you are trying to sleep. (You live together for fucks sake, you are alway around each other). Make sure you respect her sleep when you come in late
I dealt with almost 2 years of pretty severe sleep deprivation cuz of my ex doing this exact shit right here. I tried bringing it up multiple times & was told to deal with it cuz “you dont need that much sleep”. My sleep rhythm is still fucked up over a year later. Now I know that treatment like this, a complete disregard for my own personal health and well-being, is a no go in the future. I would 100% break up with someone for pulling this again.
Also just a heads up, intentional sleep deprivation like this is an abuse tactic by narcissists to keep their target constantly stressed and near their breaking point. Once target hits that breaking point it’s spun against them to make them look reactive and horrible. Not saying that’s exactly what’s happening here but please keep an eye open for and DONT IGNORE other red flags in conjunction with this
The gf had me until you said she “doesn’t know how to make breakfast”. Girl, learn then? Also assuming you all have a door to the bathroom, why isn’t she able to get ready with the door closed and lights on in bathroom and keep the door shut to bedroom so you can still have darkness to sleep? This seems weird
IDK, it sounds like you just shouldn’t be living together if you can’t respect each others schedules.
Before she lived with you, did someone else make her breakfast for her??? …Can that person move in with you and be her personal chef again? ANd if she feels like you don’t spend enough time together, why don’t you wake her up at 11pm so you two can hang before you go to sleep? /s
She’s being unreasonable, inconsiderate, and immature. Her wants (breakfast someone else makes for her, time spent together that revolves around her schedule) are more important than your needs (sleep).
The mature way about this is to tell her you need to be able to sleep in so you’re a functional human being, and ask her to help you come up with solutions together. Tell her how her waking you up in the morning makes you feel, and how you do value your time together and enjoy cooking for her, but between working/school/taking care of yourself so that you can function, you’re going to have to make some compromises.
She’s kind of a bad roommate, and kind of a bad girlfriend.
Your gf is being selfish. My bf works crazy hours, I try to quietly bring my makeup into my living room (the lighting is better anyways.) also she has you make her breakfast on 5 hours of sleep?? Are you dating a toddler?
She won’t change. She’s completely willing to be completely disrespectful and unreasonably demanding of you.
She already knows the problem and hasn’t adjusted her behaviour.
By all means give it one last go but don’t let yourself get manipulated any longer. This is awful, selfish behaviour on her part and she refuses to acknowledge that she is in the wrong. It is very unlikely that she will stop this sort of bullshit.
She doesn’t care that she is degrading your life.
Depriving someone of sleep is serious abuse. It will cause worse and worse friction.
Don’t keep sticking around if this doesn’t improve immediately. She doesn’t even have an argument or a leg to stand on if this were two reasonable people in a sustainable situation, having a healthy relationship.
She is waking you up too early, on purpose, every day and demanding you cook for her. Even when shown that this is not reasonable behaviour.
She’s really inconsiderate. I wake up before my husband. Get up and bring my phone, water bottle, and Apple Watch into the bathroom and close the door so the light doesn’t bother him. I shower and get ready (I work from home). Then I turn the lights off before I leave the bathroom and walk downstairs to get my coffee and breakfast. Then I head to my office and start work. Nowhere in me getting ready do I need to turn on all the lights. If I need light to see in the room, I’ll turn on my flashlight on my phone and isolate it where I need to see. It really sounds like she’s purposely trying to wake you up the whole time. UPDATEME
My husband leaves before me and has no problems getting ready without turning on lights and waking me up. In previous years, it was vice versa and I was able to accomplish the same. I would simply put together my outfit the night before and have it ready in the bathroom to get dressed. The bathroom door can close, right? There’s no reason for her to wake you up. I don’t know the right advice for her to actually empathize with you over this, but her actions are super selfish.
When you get home at midnight, turn on the lights and rummage around to wake her up before you go to bed. When she wakes up, say that now is a good time to spend time together and ask her to make you dinner. This way she gets the extra time that she needs with you, and she won’t have to wake you up at 5 AM for time together!
But really, your girlfriend is incredibly selfish.