Where do I go from here? I am a terrible person

Looking for advice on what I can do to seriously change and never fear of hurting someone again

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For context, I have never had a serious relationship before, my so M(23) and myself F(22) in college together, both almost graduated. We met through friends and eventually had a falling out with them due to social isolation and some strange group behaviour. I have no family because I went NC with my parents which I know some may disagree with that but it is for the best due to narcissistic behaviour and abuse. But before you feel bad I need to tell someone that I have adopted many of the traits I swore I never would do because I know how much it hurts. My partner at first was an angel and would go above and beyond for helping me, I have adhd which makes me forgetful and often struggling with social anxiety. But he always helped. Fast forward to 6 months in the relationship, we had our first fight. I noticed that my attachment to him became more dependent because of my fears of losing my closest friend, in addition to our friendgroup becoming socially isolating to us, believed it was due to us being uninterested in drinking and smoking weed. Whatever the reason we were alone but it was fine because we loved eachother. My personal mistakes are endless but the main thing I will say is Im not healthy mentally. I struggle with anger issues and without blaming the reason where it us likely derived, I have emotional dysregulation (an adhd symptom but not sure if it is really all that) in addition to ptsd from my parents and step parents. Largely I know im not ready for a relationship, but I didnt know it or have anyone to confide in when things got bad.

I should just say it, I am not asking for sympathy or anything of the sort, I wish to make it clear that I need help but I am not sure what to do anymore. We had goals and ambitions together, but eventually after the fighting and yelling he started to become more tired, he told me that he considered leaving me but felt it put me in a precarious position and that I shouldnt be so isolated. Keep in mind with covid he was no longer able to talk to people as much and build new friendships outside of the relationship, and neither could I. I have fear of abandonment and yet I have told him i needed to leave because it is a fear of mine to hurt someone so much, which is just terrible considering its what im doing.

We ended up deciding that while I worked on my anger issues and mental health, we would stay friends and set boundaries. This worked for me and I felt that I would be happy again because I could forgive myself for what I put him through and potentially was what was a large isolator to him from friendships. He told me though that this friendship dynamic between us was confusing for him, and left him feeling he was always being watched such that I would expect more from him on his own improvements. Though I am the abusive one, he says that he is responsible for putting less effort into the relationship, so much so that he would miss spending planned time with me during important milestones, one time during our dating period, he played videogames after my birthday dinner because he thought we were done. He missed our anniversary of two years and would always intend to make it up, but never would make it up. I know its wrong for someone to constantly feel the pressure to improve and put more effort into the relationship, i wanted things to be like how they were in the beginning, but i know now that it was too much for him. 

Anyways, after more thoughts came up I tried my best to listen to what he was saying about his feeling down, and I tried to realize that it was my fault, but he said it wasnt. I tried to help him and offer advice and told him its important to seek counselling, make friends, and try new hobbies, but for 12 months he never did progress on that. He is depressed I think, and I cant help feeling or well actually I know that it is because of me and that makes me feel a lot of pain that i shouldnt even have a right to feel, since he was a victim of all this. I want him to get better but he continues to put me first, he cant leave when im crying though I ask him too and he is not good at boundaries because at the time he still loved me and would find it hard to stop hugging me etc. I told him it was not a good time for that but I feel like i put too much pressure on defining facts on how we should be acting because i needed control over myself to stop myself from lashing out.

To list the things i did so you can all stop having sympathy for me,

I yell at him and remind him he cant listen and call him names that reflect on how im feeling and not how he actually is

Threaten to leave the relationship because ‘this’ is too toxic, but we all know who is actually the toxic one here

Interrupt him when hes working to ask him about uninportant things

When things started to get really bad and I lost trust in him because of my own personal issues with his changes in mood, i would scare him by hitting his harm or grabbing him. Im not proud of this i know Im just trying to explain

When things felt really bad inside my head i couldnt handle it and i would hit myself like my leg or scratch or dig my nails into myself, have panic attacks, and he would always try to intervene and end up getting hurt because the effort of him touching me or trying to move my hands away frim myself i would hurt him more.

I would get up close to him and yell at him but then he would push me away so i would throw his arms back.

I also wanted to add that sometimes he now says things that hurt me and I take offence to them because during arguments or conflict(which start out as communicating) get out of control because a lot of the old fights weve had have a pattern of him being upset (crying) and not getting to the point when I would have to consol him because of the pain he was going through. Im hyper aware of when someone is acting or pretending to cry brcause of my family, so when he would do that even if it would start out as a concern i had he would insist he didnt want to talk about it or say how much he was hurting. I should have read between the lines to learn that he was hurting because of me

He allows me too much freedom i think to make decisions for both of us, i try to tell him to leave me to make it forced so we can stop being together, but he can always tell what im feeling and still wants the best for me in some fucked up way. I dont want the best for me it doesnt seem fair after what hes gone through. I know that i can no longer help him but i dont know when or how i can change, since he has hurt me really badly despite me being the aggressive one. He does act childishly on occassion by not making plans with me and making me decide things for him, making me consol him during our simplest fights and i have to control my feelings to allow him to grieve, and not do the things he is supposed to do for his academics or mental health, like staying organized to ensure he doesnt miss a deadline, never reaching out for help despite me giving him the number and days and information and websites he can use, not cleaning up after himself and leaving things like laundry and dishes piled up for weeks until they smell. I know depression can do this but i would really try to help but i think helping made things worse for me.

I want to seek help and ive been since taking medication for adhd even though i am afraid to be on it because i thought it would improve my emotional dysregulation (it hasnt). I am on the waiting list for therapy but it may take up to two years before i can speaj to someone, and I am a student with a budget so I am not sure how much i can spend out of pocket.

Tldr: i am an abusive partner due to my deranged childhood and met the perfect guy who I likely gave depression due to consistent emotional abuse, he is not willing to give up on me which makes it harder for me to distance myself so i can recover and not be like this anymore. Its my fault and I dont know who to talk too (im on the waiting list for therapy)