I am a 32F and a pretty “normal,” high-functioning member of society.
I have a specific problem with asserting myself however, and it’s a trait that causes me a lot of stress. For example, I have an autoimmune disease which I control in part by eating a very specific diet. It’s something I need to be mindful of when going into a new environment. I recently started a new job and I noticed how anxious I was about the food I would be bringing into work, the comments I would get (which I have indeed had from coworkers in the past), etc. I actually ended up not eating lunch on many days, or brining in food that would draw the least attention, but was not most appropriate for what I wanted to eat. I was previously in a short-lived relationship where I made myself unwell because I was too scared to mention during the early dating period my food intolerances, and I didn’t want them to judge me.
Another example is that I am about to resign from said job, and I will need to request a copy of my pay slip to check its accuracy, as I will not be able to access it online after I have resigned and no longer have access to the online system. I already have a lot of anxiety about how I will need to asset myself over this issue.
It would seem I have a lot of problems advocating for myself and what I think is right in the face of criticism. Part of me wonders if I have problems establishing boundaries from other people, where I am able to feel confident and safe from their opinions. I believe I grew up with quite a harsh and judgemental mother, who frequently violated boundaries through physical abuse, excessive shouting for long periods of time, oversharing adult information (like financial or work stress) and snooped through my diaries all throughout my life. I am just wondering if anyone with a knowledge of psychology might he be able to tell me if this sounds correct? I’m not trying to blame my mother or childhood, just gain a better understanding of myself.
1 comment
Uh, yes.
I don’t even need knowledge of psychology to tell you that if every time you voiced a need or had to make yourself visible as a child you were met with abuse, that will absolutely permanently make you anxious about having to ask for things or put yourself in a position to be seen.
Abuse teaches children how to be invisible. If I’m invisible, I don’t get hurt. That’s what you were conditioned to. That makes it very hard to volunteer to be seen by anyone else, ever. Your assumption will always be im going to get hurt by this somehow. It’s called CPTSD. Every time you need to make a demand, your brain and body re-live all your mother’s abuse as if it were happening now.
100%
Therapy can help decondition you though. Please go get help. You’ll lead a much happier life.
I’m sorry you had to live like that. Good luck to you.