I know what my problem is and I'm not proud of it: I compare my accomplishments to that of my spouse and as my career has stagnated and personal entrepreneurial ventures have fizzled, she seems to be met with unbridled success and awards and kudos and lifelong friends at every corner. I know it's petty of me and I should be happy for her success, but it makes me feel like a failure and like I'm starting to become not good enough for her. This makes me resentful and I express it poorly and now we are looking at a potential separation because she just can't handle my ups and downs and lack of support. I do support her, but I just get jealous sometimes. I feel like I've defaulted to becoming a stay at home dad when she's out wheeling and dealing and saving the world, and I don't feel like that was the trajectory my life was supposed to take.
My wife and I were just starting out in our careers when we met at 25. I was in grad school waiting tables and she was a teacher. As time progressed my career didn't take off like I had imagined and hers kept chugging along. I became a teacher at her encouragement and I did a good job at that, although my passion for it waned over the years. Still she thrived and became an assistant principal. I went back to grad school and got a degree for corporate training principles, something I'm very proud of, and quickly landed a job at a good company, doubling my salary. We moved across the country for it and she found a job as a district level employee, making significantly more than me. Then a year ago I took a job that doubled my salary again, but it was the wrong job for me. Long story short they didn't vet me well enough nor explain the technical aspects of the role, I didn't have the technical background or know-how they needed (were talking intense coding and backend system knowledge background which I don't have), and while I tried to learn I struggled and questions of my technical proficiency were called into question. The job left me feeling unconfident, a year of serious imposter syndrome, brought about panic attacks and severe anxiety and depression, and truly was a major hit on my mental health, so I quit. Unfortunately the market the way it is I have had many final rounds of interviews but haven't landed anything new. So now I'm terrified. Meanwhile in the last 5 months my wife has gotten a promotion, was nominated and won an award, will be featured on an education podcast, and has started a side consultation company and has already had her first keynote conference speaking engagement where she kicked ass.
Look, I am not saying I'm not proud of her. Of course I am. She IS fucking amazing and I feel lucky to be with her. But I am just struggling with my own self worth and still figuring out what I want to do in life and I'm almost 40, and she's literally kicking ass and taking names. I feel like I missed the boat somewhere and i want to know how to get back on track. I want to know how I can be supportive without turning her success into some kind of threat onto me. Maybe I feel like she married a loser? Maybe I feel resentful of her success and wish she would slow down so I could catch up? I know this is all really shitty of me but it's not something I feel like I can control right now. I feel triggered when she talks about all the opportunities and helping people and speaking engagements and I'm like "yeah I took the kids to the park today," or even when I had a job it was "yeah we fixed that bug in the system. Wooopteedoo."
Meanwhile I have a million fun things about me that make me unique, but my creative pursuits that just don't go anywhere. Why do I feel so shitty about all this. I'm normally a nice, supportive husband who is always there for her. But maybe I only feel there for her when she's struggling, not when she's succeeding? And I know, her success is my success…but I sometimes think that's just something we say. If I was feeling at all successful right now I would agree, but right now her success makes me feel like a failure. Ugh….I don't like being this person. Help give me perspective.